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“She boarded a flight to Heathrow thirty minutes ago. It's already taken off.”
I feel like all the air is taken out of my lungs. I fly into a fit of rage throwing the monitors to the floor with an almighty crash. I flip the desk over, throwing the chair against the wall so hard it rips through the drywall.
She fucking left me without a word.
She fucking abandoned me.
31
Casimira
Present-day
Brixton, London
-I found – amber run-
Everything's dark.
I'm not sure how I’m still functioning. I keep thinking I'll wake up and it'll all just be a nightmare, but it's not. Every time I open my eyes, nothing changes. I failed him and he left me. I let him give up and he ended his life.
I was the last person he called and I was so wrapped up in Enzo I didn’t answer. I could have stopped him. I could have done something, anything.
My mum had to identify him by his tattoos because his body was so messed up. I feel numb as if I'm not in my body, as if I'm watching my life play out in third person.
My mum won't get out of bed, she can't stop crying. Neither can Jack. Micheal’s been holding it together, although I'm not sure he's sleeping, just faffing around my mum and Jack. Steve won’t speak. I've locked myself in Alek's bedroom with Julius, he won’t eat but neither can I. All the days are blurring together. It's strange. Considering we're all in this grief together, it's a very solitary experience. I've never felt so alone. I feel like I'm a planet away from everyone.
I’m trying to wrap myself up in the last piece of him. He had to move back home into my room after he got released. It still has the mint green paint I chose on the walls although it's all him in here. His wardrobe overflowing with clothes he only wore once. His gold chains and watch set out neatly along his dresser next to his aftershave, all waiting to be put on.
Something about his watch sitting there and not on his wrist just feels so inherently wrong, I don't remember a time when he didn't have it on his wrist. It's a Rolex so it has a special mechanism: no tick but a constant sweeping motion. If you leave it sitting for a while, it eventually just stops. I stare at it from where I lay curled in his bed. I wonder if it stopped moving? I really hope it hasn't. That would feel permanent and right now it all just seems so temporary. I keep thinking he's going to walk through the door any minute now, but he doesn’t.
I can't bring myself to leave his room, his smell. I don’t know how I'm meant to carry on. He was everything to me. I didn't realise how much I relied on him and I underestimated how much he relied on me. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me the most. The signs were there and I keep asking myself why I didn’t take them more seriously. I should have gotten on a plane when he said to come home.
It's 4 a.m. in the morning when I remember his car is still parked outside the house. I pull myself out of his bed, leaving the only things of his I have left and go downstairs. I want to sit in his car for a while. Maybe I'll feel like he's still with me. His car is still pristine like it's just been washed. BMW E36, slammed to the floor, Nardo grey wrap. This was his prized possession, he worked on this car for years, stripping it back and replacing the engine, building it back up again. I open the door and the smell of him mixed with leather hits me immediately, giving me a split second of nostalgia before reality comes crashing down on me again like I’ve got rocks tied to my legs and I’m sinking to the bottom of the ocean.
I sit down in the driver's seat, pulling the door closed. His seat is pushed all the way back to allow for his long legs. On its lowest setting too because that’s how he loved to drive, so relaxed he was almost lying down. I don’t adjust anything, I just sit there, breathing him in. I start to rummage through his centre console to see if the picture of us he always kept there is still inside. I find it straight away, a tattered picture of us climbing a tree when we were about 10. We’re both dirty from playing in the backfields. Me on the top branch, him a few branches below, smiling up at me. I put my hand back inside the centre console looking for anything else of his. My fingers stop when I feel another piece of paper. It's an envelope with something heavy tucked inside and ‘Mira’ scrawled across the front.
I thought I was numb but a stab of pain hits me straight through the chest, cracking open the hole a little bit more. Since I’ve been back, I was wondering why there wasn’t a suicide note. I've been angry that he never left anything to explain but as I hold this, I know what it is. This is his last goodbye.
My hands shake as I tear it open. His gold signet ring tumbles into my lap. My head falls back against the headrest and fresh tears spill down my cheeks. He never, ever took it off. It was one of the first things he bought for himself when he started earning good money. It's chunky with a big onyx stone in the middle, his initials ‘AD’ carved on either side of the stone. I clasp it tight. The cold metal that shouldn't be cold bites into my palm. I exhale as I take the paper from the envelope and unfold it. Scribbled in blank ink is Alek's unmistakable messy handwriting.
You know I'm not good with my words, I've written this five times over. Fuck, I even tried to record it. Sorry isn't good enough so I won’t say it, just know that I am. I’m not a good person. I’m a disease that affects everyone around me and I can't stop it, I really fucking tried. All I ever feel anymore is nothingness and pain. I used to believe that we were born as twins because we couldn't do life alone but seeing how you’ve blossomed without me, I understand. It’s me. Even with you next to me before you left I felt alone in this world, like no one would see me if I dropped into the void and fucking hell I want to. I want the peace. I need the silence.
Words will never be enough but it's all I have. I get you and mum will be angry but that isn't enough to make me stay anymore. I’m done. Don’t show Mum this, I don't want her to think she failed me, she did her best. Tell her that I love her. Tell her I've left her money in a bank account, it should pay off the rest of the house. The details are in the safe upstairs along with another two accounts for Babcia and you. Tell Jack and Micheal to be better than me. Tell Steve thank you for trying so hard, tell him I may not have called him dad but he was. And Mira, Please don't let this break you. You are stronger than you know. Live your life and never change.
I love you so much.
I snap. That thread inside keeping me sane, it finally breaks.
I thrash my head against the steering wheel again and again. The pain shooting through my head doesn’t even come close to the anguish I feel in my heart. I’m sobbing like I never have before, I’m screaming my lungs raw.
The door flies open and I’m dragged out. I don't even see who it is but they carry me into the house and hold me until I stop screaming.
32
Enzo
Present-day
