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19
Betty
After I told him what I wanted to keep a secret, he had this blank look on his face. I guess that might have been the worst part. His eyes lost some of the twinkle and his face relaxed. He just kept looking at me like he didn't know what to say and after a few moments, it became even more awkward. I didn't know what to say either.
When I tried to get some words out, nothing was able to come forth. My throat was dry, and I think that the words were actually getting caught there. Was I supposed to apologize? It felt like I was. He was looking at me like I was some perpetrator that had lied and said I was one thing, when I really wasn't. Maybe that was the case. Was I supposed to tell everyone that I got close to that I was a virgin? None of it made any sense, and finally I turned back and started walking the way we came. The cave had lost some of its grandeur, as well as the man that had talked me into going here.
He caught up with me after a moment and asked me to wait up.
“I think it would be better if we just get out of here. Maybe you can take me back home.”
“Take you back home? There is still half of a cave to look at. You haven’t even seen the best part yet.”
“It would appear that you are not very comfortable in my presence, and I don’t think I’m very comfortable in yours.”
“I wouldn't say that.”
“Then what would you say? I told you that I hadn't been with somebody before and you're now looking at me like I have snakes coming out of my head. What am I supposed to think?”
He apologized, but he still didn't give a reason. Finally, he just said that he didn't know what to say.
“You really put me at a loss of words. It’s a surprise.”
I didn't see how. It wasn't like I had told him the secret to living forever. It was just one little thing. Sometimes it felt like a big thing, a huge thing at the moment, but it was one tiny aspect of my life. There was a little less desire in his eyes, and I hated to see the change. The light feeling between us was gone. He was definitely not looking at me the same way.
Turning away because I didn't want to see Nick’s face like that, I felt his hand on my arm, trying to stop me. I pulled it back without even looking at him and kept walking. It had taken us awhile to get down here and now I was wishing that the entrance was closer. I just needed to get out of here and away from him. I felt so embarrassed, so betrayed. I'm not even really sure what all I was feeling, just that I knew I had to get some distance between me and Nick.
I just wanted to cry when I got out of the cave. He was behind me and it was then that I realized that not only was I in the middle of nowhere, but that he was going to have to take me home because I’d ridden with him.
When he caught up, he was confused and wanted to know what was going on. I wish I could have told him. The truth was that I wasn't sure. I just knew that I was extremely embarrassed, and I wanted to get away from him.
“Can you just please take me home?”
“Can we talk about this for a minute? I really think that you took this all the wrong way.”
“I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go. Why can't you see that?”
“Yeah, sure, if that's what you want. I feel like there's a lot of miscommunication going on right now. I wasn't trying to upset you.”
I waved him off and said that it didn't matter, but I could tell that it did. It mattered to me, too, but I couldn’t have this conversation right now.
He agreed to take me home. It was obvious that he didn't understand what was going on and I really didn't either. All I knew was I did not want to have the conversation about it. His reaction to me telling him that I was a virgin was something that I was never going to forget. It hurt me because I really wanted him to be different. He had seemed different to me, but I guess I’d been wrong.
“At least let me try to explain myself. I know that I was probably looking at you like an idiot, but it just threw me off. You don't hear about people waiting that long anymore. After what we did the other day, I don't know, I just never would have thought that. You seemed quite ripe.”
It really wasn't hard to imagine his confusion. What we had done the other day was something that I’d never done before and even that had brought me some guilt and confusion. When I wanted to take him up on his words and not be upset about it, I couldn’t pretend that I wasn’t. I was so embarrassed, and having a conversation about it was surely only going to make it worse. Couldn’t he see that I just wanted to go hide my face for a little while?
We got in the car and we didn't say anything for several moments. I was ever so thankful for that because anything said would have made matters worse. It didn't last long, though. We were about ten minutes from our houses when he tried to apologize again. I told him that again, I didn't want to talk about it, and he seemed to have something on his mind that he wanted to talk about. Whether I wanted to have a discussion or not, obviously didn't matter to him.
“I'm not really sure what happened today, but I had a good time with you. I didn’t expect anything. I’m not mad. It just threw me off, and I’m sorry that I couldn't pull myself together quick enough. I was really just in shock. I never would have guessed that.”
“Can we really just not talk about it? I don't want what is going on between us to be ruined because of it. I just want you to understand that. It’s a weird subject for me, and people usually change. I don’t want you to change, too.”
The more we talked, the worse it got. I wanted to tell him just to stop, but he didn't seem to get it
When we got back to his place, I got out of the car pretty quickly and went into my house. Whatever conversation we were supposed to have, I was dropping out of. My face was on fire, and I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts and my humiliation.
Mom was there when I opened the door, and she told me that dad was mad that I took off this morning, instead of going to the meetings that he had set up.
