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“Nad, you were right,” I said breathlessly. “Dean’s spirit was here this whole time. We can see him now because we’re on the astral plane.”
Tears of joy streamed down Nadine’s cheeks. “Come here, baby boy.”
She reached for him, and her hands went straight through the incubator. She lifted Dean’s ethereal form and held him close to her chest. His cries halted, and he let out a blissful sigh.
Warmth filled my chest when I placed my hand on our son’s back. I leaned down to kiss his head, then whispered, “This is it, Nad. We get a second chance to tell him goodbye.”
She touched her nose to his head. “I never want to let you go. Not tonight, at least.”
“You don’t have to,” I told her gently. “We can take all the time we need.”
And we did. Hours passed as we comforted our baby boy. We told him stories about how we met and all the fun things we’d done together. We recounted details from Nadine’s pregnancy and told him the story of his birth.
“Your mama was so strong,” I said. “We got to hold you for just a little while, and it was the most beautiful thing in the world.”
“You’re going home very soon,” Nadine told him. “There, you won’t have to worry about anything. Your grandma and grandpa will be there, and they’ll make sure you’re always fed and you have as many blankets as you could ever need. You’re going to be so cozy, and everyone will love you.”
“We won’t be there with you,” I added. “But we’ll see you again. We promise.”
We took Dean’s spirit over to Marcus’s incubator and showed him his brother. Dean let out a tiny coo that I could only assume was the sound of joy.
The dark hours of the morning brightened as the sun began to rise. Nadine glanced at our sleeping bodies on the bed. “We’re going to wake up soon.”
I held out my hands. “Can I hold him again?”
“Of course.” Nadine placed the tiny little boy into my arms, and I swore, I never felt so alive than in that moment. Losing Dean was one of the most difficult things we’d ever endured, but being his dad was the absolute greatest blessing ever. I was absolutely smitten with these boys.
I had a realization then. “I was angry at Talia. She said she saw us holding our babies, and back then I thought that meant things would be okay. I felt like she’d lied to us. Now that I’m holding him, I realize this must be the future she saw, and maybe it will still be okay.”
Nadine’s features softened. “I think it will be. I understand now what my grief was trying to tell me.”
“Oh?” I asked curiously. “What was that?”
Nadine didn’t get a chance to answer before we witnessed two dark clouds swirl above our bodies, taking the shape of our forms. Images of our own selves stood before us, as if we were looking into a mirror. I hadn’t even tried to draw our grief out, but I must’ve been working my magic subconsciously, because we had manifested our grief into physical form together.
An image of myself stood across from me, his arm wrapped around the spitting image of Nadine. There was sadness in his eyes that I understood all too well, because he and I were one and the same. I didn’t have to think about it. I knew exactly what the two of them needed.
I stepped forward and placed Dean’s spirit into Grief Lucas’s arms.
Grief Nadine smiled, and the sadness in my grief’s eyes melted away. I stood back, holding my Nadine’s hand. Across from us stood an image of what could’ve been—a future holding our son that we would never have. Somehow, it didn’t tear me apart, but made me happy for these final moments we got to share with him.
“I don’t want to fight you anymore,” Nadine told her grief. “I understand now that you aren’t going anywhere. But I also know that your existence is not something I can blame myself for, because I’ll never be able to fix it.”
Grief Nadine looked up from Dean, wearing a soft expression. “I’m with you now, but we can work together.”
“I understand,” Nadine said. “I know it will take time, but I need to process this in a healthy way. Blaming myself is only going to destroy me. There is no fix or cure, because I can’t make you go away. But I can learn to live in harmony with you. You’re a piece of me now, and you will remind me every day of those I love, but I can use that love for good. Grief cannot come to an end, because it’s a process.”
“It’s okay to grieve,” Grief Nadine told her. “You don’t have to run from it out of shame.”
“I just thought I could change it,” Nadine replied. “But I see now what I need to change is myself. I was grieving for those I’d lost, including myself, because I didn’t know who to be without those people, or without my disability. It’s clear to me now that grief requires you to change. It isn’t something you get over. It’s something you grow through and learn to live with, and it’s something that changes your identity. You have to come out on the other side a new person. I can either let my grief consume me, or let it drive me forward, but I can’t move forward if I don’t give it a chance to move through me. Holding it back is only going to hurt more.”
Nadine drew a deep breath. “I tried to run from it because I didn’t want to change. My identity didn’t feel secure because I could lose someone I love or come out of remission at any time, but I can utilize these shifts to do good. I’m going to make our society accessible for everyone. People aren’t going to have to have this identity crisis, because even if they are disabled, they aren’t going to feel like they’re different in our society. And when people lose someone they love, they’re going to have the tools available to make these big shifts, and know their community will take care of them.”
Grief Nadine looked proud of her. “In grief, there is love, and I know you and I will do great things together.”
I turned to my grief. “I guess you and I have become well-acquainted these past few years.”
He chuckled lightly. “Indeed, we have. I know you want me to tell you the pain is going to go away someday, but you and I both know this is always going to hurt. It may not hurt as much, but you’re going to have to deal with it the rest of your life. But just because it hurts doesn’t mean it’s bad. Stand by Nadine, and work together to amplify your love and do good in the world.”
