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“I don’t want to go with you. At least Mom doesn’t pretend to like us. You don’t care about us. You don’t even want us!” Roman shocked the hell out of me by unlocking his door and throwing it open.
I barely managed to slam on the breaks in time to keep him from tumbling out of the truck and to his death. Fear and fury created an energy in me that I’d never felt before. Before I knew it, I was out of the truck and blocking Roman from getting out. Leaning down so we were face to face, I snapped at him. “If you ever open your door like that again, putting your life in danger, I’ll make sure you walk everywhere for the next ten years. I could’ve run you over, Roman.
“Contrary to what you think, I love you. I love you and I want you. I miss you when I don’t see you because you’re my son. Both of you are. I care about you and your happiness more than either of you will ever be able to understand until you have kids of your own. I fuck up. I get busy and shit slips my mind. That doesn’t mean I don’t love you. It means that I need to do better at showing up when you need me and when I’m supposed to.” I took a deep breath. “Now, I don’t really want to talk about my relationship with my pre-teen kids, but here it is. Things in life don’t always work out the way we want them to.”
Roman’s scowl had lessened but it was still there. “Things never work out the way I want them to.”
“They will someday. When you’re making your own choices and learning from them. Things will still get fucked up at times, though. I didn’t want my marriage to your mother to go bad. I loved your mother and we made you two boys. I don’t regret any of it. We stopped caring about each other, though, and it was becoming harmful. Neither of us were happy. I’m sorry that it hurt you boys. I’m sorry that you’re so angry, Roman. I’m not sorry that your mom and I have a chance for happiness again, though.”
In his infinite ability to cut deep, Roman met my gaze and frowned. “How’s that going?”
“You know, Roman? Not great.” I ran my hands over my head and gripped the back of my neck. “Things are hard sometimes.”
“Don’t you like Fiona?” Racey had unbuckled himself and snuck onto the console behind Roman. “I thought you liked her and that she made you happy.”
“I did. I mean, I do. Someone told me that she wasn’t a nice person, though, and I don’t really know what to do about it.” I swallowed a bitter laugh and looked around. “Guys, this isn’t anything you need to worry about.”
“They told you that she’s not a nice person? You know her, though. Do you think she’s mean?” Roman made it sound so simple. “She didn’t seem mean to me.”
“I didn’t think she was mean.”
“Then why did you believe that person?” Racey studied me with a frown on his face. “You’re the one who told us that we can’t believe everything we hear.”
Maybe that was why Roman made it sound so simple. I’d taught them to trust their own opinions and guts more than what someone else said. Yet, when it came time to Fiona, I’d trusted Sara. Sara, who’d spent years lying to the tabloids to hurt me. Sara, who lied to our sons to hurt me all the time. Sara, who’d become nothing more than a caricature of an angry ex.
“Shit.”
Roman shook his head. “Just take us home, Dad.”
“Roman…”
“No, Dad.” He sighed. “I just want to crawl into bed and be a normal kid.”
Even though it hurt to know that it was my fault he felt the way he felt I was having a hard time getting past the fact that maybe I’d been wrong. I still had a lot of work to handle but I was going to take them to get ice cream and then home. I could only fix what I could until I sorted out my feelings.
“Ice cream it is.” Ice cream and then a phone call to Jake and Seb to tell them that I felt like we’d fucked up.
47
***Fiona***
Itook the bus to Dr. Ruth’s office. Maybe it was stubborn, maybe I just didn’t care. It was time for another checkup and my entire demeanor was different from how I’d shown up the time before. I hadn’t talked to the fathers of my children in days and I was a strange mix of hurt and angry enough to fight a bear.
I’d already reached out to my old landlord to see if I could have the space back but I hadn’t heard from him yet. I just wanted out of the guys’ lives since they were so willing to leave mine. I didn’t want to exist in their space. It hurt too much.
I walked into the doctor’s office and stopped short. Already sitting in the office and waiting were the guys. Sebastian, Jake, and Ryder, all wedged into a small corner with four chairs. Of course, they knew about the appointment because it was programmed into each of our phones but I’d assumed they wouldn’t show up. It felt like a pretty safe assumption. Seeing felt almost like being slapped awake. I jerked my eyes away from them as fast as possible and moved to the front desk. I suddenly felt bloated and disgusting. I was jobless, boyfriendless, and the babies growing inside me were very active during the night, which meant I got no sleep.
Checking in went too quickly and then I was standing there, in a room full of pregnant women and their friends/ partners. I felt so bitter. I was staring at the men who so easily had tossed me aside. I didn’t want to sit next to them and have their legs touch mine or their arms brushed against mine. I never wanted to see them again.
Instead of sitting in the chair meant for me, I squeezed in between a couple of women on the other side of the waiting room. Time stretched on and I kept my eyes on my lap until my name was called. The same moment I stood up, they stood up. They were going into the back with me. I wondered if they were going to accuse Dr. Ruth of going along with my scheme to fake that I was having twins. I didn’t know what to expect from them. Especially when they were staring at me like lost little puppies.
A nurse I’d never seen welcomed us to a room and followed us in. She was wildly professional and didn’t even glance twice at the fact that three men came into the room with me. She sat on the spinning stool and turned to face me with my chart in her hand. “Ms. Carter. How are you doing? How’s this pregnancy going?”
I cleared my throat and fought like hell to keep my eyes on her and away from the men. “Um… Fine I guess.”
“Just fine? Are you feeling okay?”
I looked down at my lap and slowly nodded. “Sure. I’m fine. I’m just tired. It goes with the territory, though, doesn’t it?”
