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"Hm? Yes, why?"
"You were frowning."
Was I?
"I was thinking about...how I got here. All those bad decisions I made..."
"What bad decisions?" He seemed concerned about it.
"I don't know, but I know there's been a lot of them before you."
We looked at each other, none of us saying anything, Chelsea's sounds the only thing that crack the silence.
"You'll remember in time," he said, but his voice was dry.
Eager to move on from this awkward moment, I turned my attention to the baby and brought my hand to her chubby cheek. Her skin was soft like a rose petal, and she turned to look at me.
"Hello, Chelsea!" She answered with a smile and a happy squeak, and my heart exploded with joy. "Hey, bebe, I'm happy to see you too."
Soon she got excited about all the attention and started wiggling in James' arms, reaching for me.My heart threatened to beat its way straight through my ribcage. When I got closer, her right hand went straight to my hair, and she tangled herself, tugging gently. Huh, so that's why moms keep their hair in a bun all the time. Lesson learned, little one.
"Oh, careful. I forgot to tell you she just developed a passion for helping people to achieve a state of baldness."
And she was very good at it.
Our laughs were cut short by the sound of a phone ringing in another room.
"Shit, that's mine. I need to take it, love. Can you hold her for a sec?"
"Sure."
He handed me the baby and ran to answer it, and suddenly, I was left in the middle of a boring-colored kitchen with my daughter in my arms. For a couple of seconds, I didn’t know what to do, but Chelsea was quick to get comfortable with me, feeling my hands with her palm, trying to tug or bite everything in sight.
I was ashamed of how strange it felt to hold her. I was expecting to see her and find all my memories, recognize her smell, her feel. That was what I felt a decent mother would do, but...no reaction kicked in. I fell in love with her as soon as those green eyes hit mine, but there was no recognition.
"What are we gonna do, bebe?" She looked at me and made a soft sound, like she was willing to give me some time to adjust.
Or this was what I thought, but apparently, I was wrong. Chelsea starts to become agitated, and I started walking around in the hope that movement would calm her down, but it only made it worse.
When the first cry escaped her mouth, I was in full panic mode. I just didn’t know how to distract her.
"Oh, baby, don't cry." In my desperation, I grabbed an apple from a fruit bowl on the counter and handed it to her. She took the apple and threw it on the floor, looking angrier than before.
She was kicking and screaming, and I didn’t know what to do. Afraid that she might hurt herself, I placed one of my hands on her back and kept her body as close to my chest as I could. This only made her cry louder and my tears start flowing too.
Why was I so bad at this?
" It's ok, Chelsea." I said in between sobs. "Everything will be ok, bebe, please don't be mad."
James found me bouncing his daughter up and down franticly and crying like a fucking wimp.
"And what is going on here?" He spoke softly, like he was trying to calm down a cornered animal, and I didn’t know if that was for Chelsea or for me.
"I... I don't know what to do, James."
"Looks like baby Chelsea needs to take that nap. Rita, breathe. Let me take her upstairs and put her down while you take a moment to gather your thoughts, ok?"
I nodded and handed him the girl. He kept smiling, but I had a bitter taste in my mouth, failure. He left me for five minutes with our daughter, and I almost had a panic attack.
