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“Funeral… spray?” he repeated, looking at the flowers and then back at her in alarm. He stared in disbelief, looking between her and the flowers, putting it all together, and pointed at her.
“You didn’t think… wait… oh, man. Um, that’s not what it looks like or how it was intended to be. The woman at the florist shop said she had a last-minute cancellation and didn’t know what to do with all the pink and white roses. I said I was there to get a dozen pink roses for my girlfriend, and she offered me three dozen for the price of one. I swear, Elana. I’m cheap and stupid, but not that stupid.”
“And the chocolate poop?” she snapped tearfully. “You literally gave me a funeral arrangement and chocolate poop – you realize that, right?”
“Oh my gosh,” he sagged, falling into one of the chairs and staring at her. “I was trying to give you something with meaning and something sweet. I wanted to clear the air, get all of the stuff out between us, so we could start out fresh… and I thought it would be funny.”
“It’s not funny.”
“No, this isn’t – at all.”
“What’s that?” she asked warily, looking at the package in his hands.
“My death warrant,” he blurted out, not hesitating. “My sister-in-law said to get you something sweet to win you over. That girls like chocolate, flowers, and something to make them feel special. Do you know how much junk there is out there for husbands and wives? I mean, we aren’t there yet or anytime soon, and I don’t want to give you the wrong idea…”
“Oh, trust me - you are not!” she interjected bluntly – and saw him flinch.
“But I’ve butchered everything else…” his voice trailed off.
“So what is it?” she asked. “What other ‘pearl of wisdom’ do you have to bestow upon me that will eviscerate my mental well-being or self-esteem…”
“Oh man, Elana…” Max began. “I’m so sorry.”
“Hand it over, and let’s see the proverbial nail in the coffin…”
“It’s nothing, and I can take it back.”
“Nope. You are here, and you’ve already destroyed my day, so let’s have it,” she waved at him. “What else could it be? Exploding dye for my face? Flaming dog poop? Itching powder that will go everywhere? A tarantula or some other creature?”
Max set the box down on her desk, backed away, and collapsed in a nearby chair, putting his head down in his hands – making her pause. He looked defeated. Didn’t he want to see this whole debacle? Was he actually feeling bad about this and having regrets?
Opening the wrapping paper, she paused and looked at him again. His entire form was unmoving, and his fingers were buried in his hair, his face hidden. Pulling the box from the paper, she paused and braced herself… and pulled out a velvet bag.
“What’s this?”
“I can take it back,” he muttered, unmoving. “Just put the roses on my coffin and be done with me.”
Elana looked in the velvet drawstring bag and paused, disbelieving. A small paranoid and nervous giggle escaped her, and Max looked up. She met his eyes, his scared, beautiful brown eyes, and looked back at the bag, unsure if she should laugh… or sob.
He genuinely was funny, clueless, and trying so hard to impress her.
“You gave me… a pearl necklace?”
Inside the black velvet bag was the most gorgeous strand of black pearls she’d ever seen. They were a deep gray, iridescent, with a large gold clasp that looked exceedingly expensive. She’d priced out pearls before and even owned a pair of white pearl bob earrings – her prized possession… but this strand alone had to be thousands of dollars. Some of the pearls were the size of marbles, and some were the size of peas.
“You know, I actually meant well,” he muttered, dropping his face back in his hands. “This is a freaking nightmare because I’m sure you are thinking the worst right now.”
“Max… I, ah, I don’t know what to say.”
He obviously intended to impress her and had no clue any of this was going to be taken this way. She stared at the strand of pearls in her hand – and then looked at the man before her.
No one had ever gone so far as to buy her anything like this – nor tried so hard and failed. She’d been on dates, sure. One guy had given her a keychain. Another had given her a gift card for car washes. Practical, thoughtful, casual gifts, but this was an expensive gift a man gave to someone he cared for – an investment and showed that he was serious, even if the double entendre was there.
“They kept pushing diamond rings and earrings at me,” Max began, his head hanging as he spoke. “But I wanted something special, something classy for you. When you never texted me back, I figured you were still mad at me about yesterday…”
“You asked me what my size is,” she interrupted in disbelief. “You don’t ask a woman her size, her weight, or anything like that.”
“You do if you want to treat them right, spoil them, or get them something they’ll be proud to wear from you,” he replied, looking up at her. “I swear, Elana, I didn’t mean any of this. I just wanted to impress you, reach you, and tell you that I still want all of this with everything in me. I thought those black pearls would look amazing against your soft skin. I was not being gross or implying anything.”
