AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The noise at the nurses’ station distracts me, so I make my way down the hall to the dictation room to dictate my chart notes. The room is tiny, barely enough space for a single desk and computer, but the walls are soundproofed and it’s the best place I’ve found to get work done.
I close the door, immediately blocking out all the noise outside, and release an aggravated groan as I sit in the too-small computer chair. One of these days, I’m going to steal the chair from the Unit Manager’s office and leave it in here. Let her sit her ass in this busted one for a week to see how it feels.
Logging into the system, I open the chart from this morning’s admission and start dictating notes when my mind begins to wander.
I know Lainey was referencing coffee, maybe a little bit of our back-and-forth relationship, but she had no clue her advicealso applies to my relationship with my mom. Indecisiveness continues to eat away at me as I weigh my options.
Do I owe my mom anything? Is itmyresponsibility to be the one to reach out toher? If she wanted to have a relationship with me now that I’m an adult, I would have imagined she’d call at some point. I can’t even recall the last time I spoke to her. My grandparents convinced me to send her an invite to my undergrad graduation, but as far as I know, she didn’t make the effort to show.
Contacting her after all these years might not change anything, but it pisses me off knowing Corey isn’t pushing our mom in the same way she pushes me. Hell, I’m not even sure if our mom is asking to see me or if it’s Corey’s desperate attempt to reconnect us.
A hesitant knock on the door snaps me from my thoughts, and I can tell by the gentle rap it’s Lainey. I lean back in the chair to reach for the handle, cracking the door open.
The smell of freshly roasted coffee beans hits me first. Something almost caramelly, and rich. Lainey stands shyly, a cup of coffee from the shop downstairs in her hand. She hands it to me without saying anything, and I pause, warmed by her gesture. I’m capable of getting my own quality cup of coffee but knowing that it bothered her enough to do it herself does something to the inside of my chest.
“Just hear me out,” she whispers, “give it a shot. Nothing fancy. I kept it a simple black coffee just like the whole black persona you try to give off.”
I take the coffee from her outstretched hand, our fingers brushing against each other. “My black persona?”
“When I met you, you were wearing a black sweatshirt over a black tee. Your dark hair is nearly black. You wear black scrubs and black shoes every day to work. You drink black coffee.”
“Black like my soul.”
Her face breaks out in a smile as she giggles, my heart thudding at the sight of it. “We can pretend that’s true if you want.” She lowers her voice as she continues, “But I’m starting to think that’s not the case at all.” She smiles softly at me then reaches for the handle to turn and close the door behind her.
“Sorry if I had an attitude to you earlier,” I blurt it as the door is about to close.
Lainey reappears in the crack of the wood, her body remaining in the hall but leaning into the room.
“I have this personal thing—this family thing—it's been bothering me.”
She takes my words as an invitation into the room, opening the door further. “Anything you feel like talking about? Sometimes it's nice to have a third-party listening ear.”
“I’m not exactly the type to talk.”
She nods once, reading the vibes I’m putting out that I don’t do heavy conversation. She goes to leave again, and every atom in my body begs her to stay. Even if she just stayed and stood next to me, both of us quiet in this small room, I know it’d make me feel better.
“My sister,” I start, reaching to open the door, inviting her to come into the room, but she stays planted in the hall, leaning against the frame. “She wants me to do this thing. It's not a bad thing or anything like that …” I trail off, surely not making any fucking sense right now. I don't want to unload my thirty years of family drama on this girl, so I keep it vague. “It's nothing bad, I just don't know if I want to do what she's asking.” But not doing that then comes the guilt of not listening to my sister, who has been the only constant support in my life.
“This thing she's asking you to do, will it harm anyone?”
“Only myself, possibly.” I chuckle awkwardly, meaning it to be a sort of joke, but there is enough truth behind it that it comes out wrong.
“Well,” she eases into the room and slides her back against the wall, gently shutting the door, “without knowing exactly what's going on or what she's asking you to do, take my advice as is. You're a smart guy. I think you have a good head on your shoulders. If she's asking you to do something, or wanting you to do something and it's not feeling right to you, I think you should listen to that. It’s hard when you're close with someone, or have a history with someone, and you want to do what’s expected of you, but you have to sacrifice yourself in the process.”
I nod along, using my thumbnail to pick at the cardboard wrap surrounding the cup.
“Is there any part of you that wants to do what she’s asking, and maybe you’re just being stubborn? Or do you think if you didn’t follow through, you wouldn’t have a single regret?”
I let her question sink in for a moment. From what Corey’s told me, my mom’s twenty or so years of intense alcoholism and self-neglect have caught up with her. She’s now facing a slew of doctor’s appointments and a daily barrage of orange bottles to keep her body functioning. She might not have a long life ahead of her; it won’t be a comfortable one, anyway.
Sometimes I feel like a monster for not caring. Maybe not caring isn’t the right term, but even though I believe my calling is being a doctor and practicing medicine, I don’t feel any pull to reconnect with her or to help her with her newfound health problems.
“I don’t think I would.” I finally answer her, and saying my truth out loud pulls the weight from my chest. There's been so much pressure from Corey to reconnect with our mom so we can have this cohesive family unit that she's always dreamed about. I've thought about doing it just for Corey, but I can't imagine warm family gatherings with the three of us.
Lainey smiles a hint of a sad smile before answering, “I think you have your answer then. If it won't affect you, and you won't have regrets, don’t do something just to pacify someone else.”
“How do you know so much about this?”
