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“So, this is the second dream in three weeks?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah. The first one about when he was diagnosed, and the second was the overdose.” I never told Oliver about the first dream, and I could tell it annoyed him a little.
He nods and writes on his pad. “We’ll circle back around to that,” he tells me. “How is your relationship with Bliss going?”
“Great.” And that’s the truth, she is absolutely perfect. Other than the little argument we had a few weeks ago over Ryan, the asshole, it has been great. “We’re going to her mom’s for dinner this weekend.” And I’m nervous again. Her dad, Keith, is cool, but I don’t know her mom yet.
“That’s great.” He smiles. “Has she met your parents yet? You seem to be getting serious.”
My stomach drops at the mention of my parents. I haven’t seen them in months. We talk a lot, and they are happy I’m back on the team, but I have been quiet about Bliss. Does that make me a shitty boyfriend?
Rubbing the back of my neck, I wince. “I haven’t told them about her yet, actually.”
His eye widen in surprise. “Care to explain?” he asks. “You’ve been with her for about awhile.”
He doesn’t need to remind me how long we’ve been together. “Just hasn’t come up.” But it will. I already met her dad and now I’m meeting her mom. Yet, I haven’t mentioned her meeting my parents.
“I see.” He writes on the pad and I get annoyed. “How is the basketball going, you have your first game coming up, right?”
“Yeah, we have an away game to kick the season off.” It sucks because Bliss won’t be able to make it, but she said she’ll be there for the next game that’s at home, and I’m excited for that.
Oliver looks at his pad for a moment, then looks up at me. “So, about these dreams,” he starts. ”Have you visit Jackson’s grave yet?”
I shake my head, I haven’t. I still haven’t been able to get myself there. I have the directions put away in the glove compartment of my car, just haven’t used them yet.
“Maybe these dreams are a sign that you need to face him.” He gives a small shrug. “The time is here.”
That’s what I was thinking when I woke up again this morning. Maybe it is time that I finally face him and say my peace, so I can go. I think about this the rest of our session. Flopping back and forth between going and not going. Oliver keeps circling back to Bliss meeting my parents and my mind can’t handle it all.
After I make my next appointment, I head out, texting my girlfriend to let her know I’ll pick her up at the library after practice. She texts me back quickly, asking if I’m okay. I lie and tell her I’m fine when I’m not, but I don’t want to worry her. I know she knows I had another dream, but she hasn’t brought it up and I’m glad.
It doesn’t take me long to navigate through the cemetery and park along the curb. I never thought I’d be here, outside his grave. He was too fucking young to be in a damn grave but here we are. I could have easily been right next to him last year.
Pushing my door open, I step out, shutting it behind me. My feet feel heavy, and it’s hard to move them forward but I have to. I need to do this. Oliver is right, it’s time. I have to face Jackson.
It takes me a few minutes to find his headstone, and I’m embarrassed. I should have been there at his funeral, but I was too busy killing myself instead of living for him. I don’t think twice before sitting on the ground in front of him, there’s more dirt then grass, but fuck it. Pulling my knees to my chest, I rock back.
I don’t know where to start but I take a deep breath. “Sorry it took me so long, J. I should have been here a long time ago.”
I don’t know why I expect to hear his goofy ass voice, but I wait, listening to the wind whip through the trees.
“I miss you man,” I start again. “The team misses you too. We talk about you a lot at practice. And Bliss would have loved you,” I say thoughtfully. “Hell, you would have loved her too. I told her about you, and it wasn’t easy.”
“Do you think our moms would freak out if I bring a girl home?” I laugh at the thought of their reaction. “Hell, if I bring a girl I’m falling in love with home?”
Shit. Do I love her? Fuck yeah, I do. I could deny it until I’mblue in the face, but Arrow is my fucking heart. Maybe that’s why I haven’t told my parents about her. I have never brought any girl home, now I’m supposed to walk in with my girlfriend that I’m crazy about, who, by the way, they have no idea about. They would probably die of shock.
I laugh again. “Yeah, I can definitely see it going down.” My laugh dies. “I don’t deserve her though, she deserves the best. I just hope I can give her that.”
I talk to Jackson a long time. I talk about everything I can think of, mostly about our times together. We had some good times since we were two-years-old. How girls at school would dub us Milk and Chocolate, and at times Chocolate Milk… they all wanted a taste. But Jackson wasn’t a man whore like me. He actually liked to be with one girl, even if they weren’t official.
My phone vibrates in my pocket and I pull it out. Shit, it’s my alarm for practice. I have twenty minutes to get to the gym, with maybe five minutes to spare. Pushing up on my feet, I tap his headstone.
“I’ll see you later, man.” It takes me a moment to pull my hand away. It’s like losing him all over again, but I’m glad I came. I’m glad I finally faced him and said I was sorry.
This was better than writing him letters even though they help. But sitting here is like he’s with me and I can feel him. I miss him, but I have to live for him now. I have to do what he will never be able. There’s our dream to accomplish, there’s the girl I love, there’s a future for me. I have to make him proud, and I hope like hell not to let him down.
Walking away from his grave lifted a weight from my shoulders, it’s been there for so long I forgot how heavy it was. It just feels good to be able to fully breathe again.
