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Malice broke me open, and it took hours before I was able to come down from the astral plane he sent me to, spiraling until all I could see washimand the care he took of me.
Sitting down for dinner in a baggy sweater and shorts, nobody has much to say.I realize it’s because I’m here.Dad and Uncle Jermaine never talk shop when I’m around, which sadly doesn’t leave a lot for them to talk about.
I pick at my food, having no appetite, until Malice clears his throat.Glancing up at him from his seat across from me, his stare bores through my being, demanding without words that I eat.Forcing a piece of chicken past my lips, I chew slowly before swallowing.
“I heard from Aura tonight,” I say, finally gazing down the table at my father.That gets his attention.“She’s arrived in Amsterdam for a few days before she’ll make her way to Berlin.I have pictures.”He nods his head, so I pull out my phone and hand it to him with the photos pulled up.
I wait as he scrolls through them.“She’s enjoying it, then?”They had a massive fight before Aura left.Father didn’t want her to go, and she refused to stay.She’s already wandered her way through Greece, Italy, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, England, and France.
“She is.She found that scotch you like so much.There’s a case on the way here now, probably held up at customs by now.”He grunts at this.
“Does she need more money?”Despite their fight, he gave her as much as she would need and then some.His gruff demeanor is a cover; we girls know that.Mostly.Though sometimes, he seems so closed off that we can doubt it.
“I don’t think so.”I don’t dare tell him she hasn’t been staying in fancy hotels but rather in hostels and shared rooms to keep costs low so she can travel even further.I also don’t mention her plans to go to Africa, despite my fears.
He grunts again and continues to eat.He appears weathered, aged, since Aura left.I want to be angry with him, but I feel sorry for him.
“How’s school, Odette?”Jermaine asks, his own expression frowning at my father.
Pushing my food around once again, I shrug.“It’s school, I guess.”
“Any more issues?”Glancing down the table at him, I attempt to read his face.He’s always been good at wearing a mask.
“Not really, no.Exams are soon.”Which means a lot of studying in my future.
“Have you begun applying to colleges?”I’m confused by his line of questioning.
I don’t look up when I answer, anticipating the censure that’s sure to follow.“Yes.I’ve received some acceptance letters already.”Not that I want to go.I don’t know what I want to do once I’ve finished high school.I could travel like Aura or go to college like CJ.
Neither appeals to me.
“Really?”He sounds surprised.“Where?”
“Somewhere smart, I bet.”Holy speaks up this time.
Clearing my throat, my eyes roam around the table quickly.“Harvard, Yale, Notre Dame, Cal Tech, Oxford.”
“Oxford?”my father snaps.“In England?”
“Yes.”I hesitate as I peer up at Malice.He’s more furious than my father.
“Who the fuck said you could go abroad?”Dad’s hands clench his silverware so tight his knuckles are white.
None of this is what I want, so I don’t know why I blurt out, “Who said I couldn’t?”In a rare show of defiance, I push away my uneaten plate of food and excuse myself from the table, storming up to my room.I close and lock the door because I know, given the chance, Malice will come barreling in.
None of them, not a single one of those men, has any idea how much I don’t care about attending college.How much I want to find my own path.
CJ is the brainiac, always wanting to learn more.
Aura is as free as the day is long.She’s like a gypsy, never happy in one place.
But me?I have no idea what I am.
Who I am.
And I want the time to figure that out without the pressure of needing to perform like some kind of athlete or actor.I want the freedom to explore the world around me.To discover where my skills lie.
Opening the balcony doors off my room, I sit in one of the chairs at the bistro table and stare out over the lake at the back of our house.There is so much life surrounding me, but I feel stifled.Sheltered.
