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“You make it sound so easy,” I say with a wry smile.
“It’s not,” Kaiden agrees. “But we’re not alone in this, you know? We have each other, and Odi, and Zie. And I’m sure we’ll figure it out together. If you’ll share some of the burden, we can shoulder some of the responsibility. Just because you’re the face of things, doesn’t mean you have to do it alone.”
I nod, feeling a glimmer of hope amidst the chaos of my thoughts. Maybe we can make this work. Maybe we can find a way to keep everyone safe and still come out on top. Maybe we can finally find some peace amidst the bloodshed and violence – once our fathers are taken care of.
But for now, all I can do is accept Kaiden’s advice and take it one step at a time. One day at a time, one problem at a time. And maybe, just maybe, we’ll find our way to some semblance of normalcy in this fucked up life we’ve been living.
As we sit there, finishing off the bottle of whiskey, the tension in my shoulders eases ever so slightly. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the company, but I know that I’m not alone. And for the first time in a long time, that thought brings me some measure of comfort…and with that comfort, I manage to claw back a little of the control I lost today.
Father says at the end of this school year, Zie is going to skip a grade and be in mine and Kaiden’s class. I’m really happy. I like Zie. He’s a real friend now, almost as good as Kaiden.
I like Odile too.
She’s good at running and swimming and she always beats Zie in races, sometimes even Kaiden too. She can’t beat me though.
I wouldn’t mind if she came into our class too. It would be nice to spend more time with her. But when I suggested this to my father, he slapped the side of my head and told me off for thinking ‘too much with my dick’.
I’m not quite sure what he means.
I love Axel, I really do, but if he doesn’t start to share some of his burdens with the rest of us, he’s going to crumble and break.
He’s always been our self-appointed leader, but it’s time to step up and remind him that we’re a trinity. An unbroken circle of strength. He can lean on us. Me especially.
He won’t talk about it, but it’s clear we’ve shared some similar traumatic experiences. My stomach churns every timeI think about the times our fathers made me have sex with the women in the boxes, a gun pressed to my temple and my brothers’ lives on the line. To know that Odi was one of them…
It’s destroyed me.
I don’t even know where to begin explaining anything to her. Can’t find the words to make amends. There’s no way to fix this. An apology is too insignificant to soothe her trauma.
As much as I’ve tried to bury those past memories, they all rush to the surface now that I know Odi was involved. I have so many questions. How many times? Why? Why did they make me do it? Did they always know it was Odi they were making me fuck? Did they care? And the questions haunting me most of all: How did Odi become embroiled in all of this? And why didn’t Iknowit was her inside the box.
I would have sworn that in any life I would know her. That my soul would recognise and be drawn to hers – she saved my life after all – but no. She was locked in a box and given to me, and I never even knew. What does that mean for us?
The answers will haunt me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. Not now. I’ll find a way to make it right with Odi, I promise.
Axel won’t say anything, but I can see he’s hurting too. Not just from the shit with Odi, either. Whenever he looks at me, there’s a sadness in his eyes. Pity. Because now he knows what we share and he thought he’d shouldered that burden alone. Knowing him, probably to save Zie and myself from having to.
There’s a special kind of agony reserved for when you willingly put yourself through hell to save others, only to find it was all for nothing. Pointless. Futile. Senseless. In vain. It leaves scars that no amount of physical suffering can match.
We don’t talk about it, but maybe we should. I thought it was easier for me to forget than to dwell, but that’s not done me any good. And by the looks of it, it’s not working for Axel either.The hurt is still inside us, gnawing at our insides and making us doubt everything we’ve strived for.
I think it’s time we all came clean. Lay all our cards on the table and stop keeping secrets. Because our friendships are hanging on by a thread, and I’m worried that one more surprise will cause us all to snap.
Deciding to make the first move, I take another long drink and turn to Axel with a sigh.
“What?”
“I’m sorry you had to go through…that,” I say, alluding to the horrors we werebothforced to endure.
“I said I didn’t want to talk about it,” he snaps.
“I think we’re going to have to soon enough. I just wanted you to know you weren’t alone.”
“Is that meant to make me feel better? Everything I’ve ever done, every sacrifice I’ve made, every time I’ve been the bad guy, it’s been to protect you. You and Zie and Odi. And now I find out it was all for nothing.”
Shit. I should have known he’d blames himself rather than the fuckers who did this to us. Unsure what to say, I change the conversation.
“I can’t believe Odi has a kid.”
