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In the dark, I try to remain calm, try to fight off the overwhelm of the day. But it’s hard. Laying it all out like that for someone else to hear was a lot. If it were in a movie, critics would say it’s unbelievable, too much, over the top. And it is. But it’s also real. It’s my life, my pain. The crushing weight pressing down on my chest that I can’t seem to lift up and shrug off on my own, but that I also have no idea who to ask to help me with, is also all mine.
The burning urge to grab a blade and release the pressure building inside of me is too much. I clearly need therapy for the things I’ve been through. What judge in their right mind would let me have custody of my own daughter when I’m such a fucking wreck. But again, with no funds, no support network, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
I pull the covers closer around me, feeling grateful for the support of Lou but knowing it won’t be enough, and drift into a restless sleep, hoping that tomorrow might bring some clarity and relief to the storm that now rages within me.
Some of the big kids were picking on Zie, so I threatened them with my knife. The school called my ‘new’ mother and she went mad. Then Father went to the school, and now I’m not in trouble anymore. The headmaster seems scared…of me?
It’s a powerful feeling.
My new mother is still scary-mad but she’s mostly muttering under her breath and staying out of my father’s way.
He asked me to show him the knife and when I did, he looked at the drop of blood I hadn’t cleaned off the blade properly, gave me one of his nicest smiles and said, “That’s my boy.”
I flushed with pride.
But then after school Odi shouted at me for bringing a knife to school and my skin got all hot and tingly and my stomach felt heavy and I was confused.
I am confused. Do I want to make my father proud, or Odi? And why can’t I seem to please them both?
I find myself sitting alone in the house I built for Odi. It’s off campus, in the woods, and in a remote, secure location with more security than The White House.
The campus flat is fucking destroyed thanks to the fire, and I wouldn’t deign to stay in one of the spare accommodations they offered us. Kaiden and Zie had no such qualms though, andfor the first time in what feels like forever, the three of us are separated.
Fitting, given the massive great chasm that’s sitting between us right now.
Odi would love this house. I had it built with all of her favourite things in mind, imagining a life together at the top of the empire once my father was taken down once and for all.
Now, looking around the place as I drink whiskey straight from the bottle, all I can think is that it’s no place to raise a fucking kid. All shiny polished wooden floors, floor to ceiling glass windows and bloody cosy rugs before open fireplaces that I once imagined fucking Odi on, that will now just be a fucking hazard with a kid around.
Finding out the child is mine was a double-edged sword. And despite my falsified confidence at the ceremony declaring that I was Rose’s father, I still had my doubts. There were no guarantees. Even more so when Kaiden stepped forward to be tested.
Fuck. That threw me.
For someone who lives and breathes control in all things, I have to admit that things are spiralling. We’ve created a mess between us that I don’t think can ever come clean, and I’m not even sure where to start trying.
Everything I did, every order, every threat of my father’s I gave in to, was to keep my brothers and Odi safe. I slept with every woman he thrust at me, killed every mark he gave me, did everything he told me, all to keep Odi from being one of his women inside that box, and my brothers from being one of the pawns fucking the women inside the box.
And it was all for nothing. Because they got their hands on Odi anyway, and Kaiden was forced to endure the same atrocities as me.
And now there’s a child involved.
I don’t know how or why Zie escaped, but it’s one small mercy that he did. Especially because it means Odi will still have an ally. Someone to stand in her corner and fight. It’s just shit that it’s our weakest link. He won’t be able to protect her…but then again, he can probably do a better job than I managed.
Not against me though. Because, selfish cunt that I am, I still want Odi. She’s still mine. There’s still the ceremony to complete to bind her to me forever. Yes, I’ve irrevocably fucked her life up and it would probably be a kindness to let her go. But I can’t. No more than I can quit breathing, could I give Odile Kemp up. Not now. Not ever.
With the revelation that Rose is my daughter, everything just got a lot more complicated. Before Odi turned up at Trinity, I never thought I’d have another child, never mind one with Odi. Not after what happened with Ms Smith. Rose changes everything. How can I continue to be the head of The Holy Trinity and the empire we’re creating when I have a responsibility to my own flesh and blood? How will I keep Rose safe? Or Odi?
And how can I ever look at Odi and not feel the weight of our past mistakes bearing down on us? How am I going to get her to agree to the other terms of the hunting games now that there’s a child between us? Because I know without a shadow of a doubt that Odi will put that child first. Just like I should be doing.
But my father’s glee at the whole situation has me on high alert. Anything that makes him this happy does not spell good news for the rest of us.
Maybe there’s a way I can make this work for all of us. Make the most out of a fucking horrific situation, and still spin it in my favour. Find a way to keep both of them safe, keep the keys to my empire, take my father down, enact revenge on The General, get the girl and still live happily ever after.
“You’re fucking deluded, mate, if you think that’s ever going to happen.”
I’m startled by the sound of Kaiden’s voice. I thought I was alone and didn’t realise I was speaking my thoughts out loud.
“Yeah, well, you’re not alone. And youaresaying all this shit out loud, so you sound like a fucking loon. So share the goddamn booze and let’s drink until we forget this day ever happened.”
