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“Mason, stop. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I can’t.” She puts her hand over her mouth to stop a sob as tears spill over her eyes. My heart shatters into a million pieces and I feel tears prick at the back of my eyes. I’ve never seen her like this before and to know that I was the one who caused it decimates me.
"Did you listen to my voicemails?” My voice is strained as I try to talk over the lump lodged in my throat. She gives me a tiny shake of her head.
“Julia kissed me before I knew what was happening. As soon as she did I stopped her and told her that we were never going to happen. I swear. I don’t want her. I have always been in love with you, always. I was just too blind or stupid, or maybe both, to see the truth. Please don’t push me away, Emily, please. I need you.”
I didn’t realize until this very moment how much Emily means to me and how losing her would affect me. I never let myself go here because I didn’t think being with her was possible.
The moment I gave myself permission to fully feel the love I have for her was just scratching the surface. My emotions run so deep that they are part of my entire being. She has always been my touchstone. The person I could talk to about anything without fear of judgment.
I am realizing now that if she doesn’t forgive me I will never be the Mason I was before. There will always be me before Emily and me after Emily. This thought shakes me to the core.
Emily still hasn’t said a word but her body is wracked with sobs. I move toward her and put my arms around her. There’s a moment where I think she’ll pull away but instead she fists my shirt and sobs into my chest allowing herself to lean into me. My arms wrap around her, pulling her close and holding her tight. I kiss the top of her head and mumble words of comfort.
I rest my face on the crown of her head, hating that I am the one to cause her this much pain. When I feel wetness on my face, I realize I’m crying too.
“Emily, I love you so much. I swear what you saw was Julia kissing me. I pushed her away as soon as it happened.” Her only response is a head shake that I feel against my chest.
I don’t know how long we stand like this before I feel Emily take a deep breath and push away from me. I don’t drop my arms from around her but I give her space. She looks up with those big blue eyes of hers and I see doubt. Then her expression turns hard.
My stomach flips and I realize there might not be anything I can say or do to get her to understand. Her next words send a chill through my bones.
“Mason,” she starts as she’s shaking her head. “I can’t do this. I’m not the one for you. It’s just better to let things go back to the way they were and be friends. We will never work as anything else.”
“That’s not true. Emily, please listen—” she puts her hand to my lips to stop what I was going to say.
“Mason, please. This is for the best. It would never work for us, you know that. Please go and let me have this time,” her eyes beseech me. Every particle in my body rebels and yet the firmness of her expression lets me know there is no getting through to her right now.
“Okay,” I whisper. “If that’s what you really want?”
She nods but doesn’t meet my eyes. I turn to head back to the door but my feet are like lead and won’t move. I’m frozen. I know that walking out of the lake house will change the rest of my life completely and I don't want to go. I want to convince her of my feelings, make her believe that I would die before I hurt her like this ever again. That I want to spend the rest of my days waking up next to her and falling asleep with her beside me.
Yet I can’t make myself turn around. I try walking to the door again and this time my feet move. I put my hand on the doorknob and start to turn it then stop. I don’t turn to look at her, but I can’t leave things without saying this.
“I know I hurt you. Not just today but over the years and I’m sorry for all of it. Especially for the times I didn’t know I was hurting you. But I want you to know that I was hurting too. The last thing I ever wanted to do, Emily Stewart, was break your heart.” I hear a slight gasp but I continue. “What you don’t know, and I need you to, is that every time I pulled away from you my heart broke too.”
I open the door and stand there with it wide open, not even feeling the cold from the air outside. I’m too numb.
“You’vealwaysbeen my heart, Emily.”
I step into the night and close the door on the only woman I’ve ever really loved. For the first time in my entire life I know what heartbreak feels like. I didn’t experience it when Julia left me. I didn’t experience it when my career ended, but I am a broken man as I drive away from the lake house.
I have no clue how I will ever recover from this.
Chapter Nineteen
Mason
The pounding in myhead won’t stop.
“Mason!” Why is Jack in my dream? More pounding ensues. “Mason, come on man! Open the door.”
“Go away!”
“I’m not leaving, so get up and open the door.” I snarl, but get up. Anything to stop the pounding. I open the door and put my hand up. Who turned the sun up?
It’s been over a week since Emily rejected me and I haven’t left the house since I dragged myself back from the lake house. I’ve never felt this empty before and I’m a complete and utter mess. That being said, the look on Jack’s face terrifies me a bit.
“That’s enough, Mason. This pity party is officially over. Have you looked at yourself in a mirror?” He asks as he pushes his way past me into my house. He abruptly stops and gives me a lookof pure disgust. “You look like Tom Hanks inCastawayand you smell like a dumpster. Go take a shower. Now!”
