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Stupid, stupid, stupid.
She wanted to slide down to the floor and sob like a child. Instead, she forced herself upstairs and into the living area, demanding control of her senses for a few moments more. The fruit and baguette were abandoned on the coffee table. Standing to the side of the window, she peered out through the sheer curtains. The street was empty but the sense of vulnerability was overwhelming.
The stairs creaked as she pounded her way to the bedroom. Her desperate need to feel safe robbed her of air. Her gun was in the drawer next to the bed. So sure, she wouldn’t need it, she hadn’t even brought it down stairs. With the cool steel in her hands, she inhaled a ragged breath. Hot tears streamed silently down her face.
Voices echoed in the distance, jerking Sarah to her feet and towards the window. She studied the street below, taking care to stay out of sight. In the distance she could see people walking past the entrance of the street. An elderly woman that lived a few doors up was shuffling towards the main road. Sarah watched her progress until she turned out of view. She remained vigilant for a few moments more to be sure no one else was lurking.
This time she did slide to the floor, elbows leaning on knees, hands clasped around the gun and resting against her forehead. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. She stayed like this until the bile that had threatened to erupt settled.
How could I have been so clueless? To let myself get surrounded by those idiots.
The sobs came slowly, a low wail.
Useless, Sarah. That’s what you are. He’s barely gone and you almost get yourself… what? Attacked, raped?
Her hands fell to the side and she eyed the gun lying loosely in her right hand. What would she have done with this? Shoot five idiot tourists?
She pushed the gun away. Her body swayed back and forth, in time with her keening.
I can’t do this. I don’t know how. Please come back, Alex. Don’t leave me.
She curled herself into a ball, hugging her knees to her chest. Her tears made the timber floor wet beneath her hot cheek. Eventually the sobs reduced to whimpers. Then silence as her thoughts circled around, never fully forming. Afraid of what else they might reveal. The shadows grew longer across the room. The light of day soon replaced by the artificial glow of the street lights shining through the window. The pocket of her jeans started to vibrate. Her body ached as she struggled to sit up. ‘Liam calling’ flashed across the screen.
‘Hello?’ she croaked.
‘Are you okay? What’s wrong?’
She took a breath.
‘Nothing. I must have dozed off. I’m okay.’ She straightened and pulled back her shoulders. ‘Tell me about you.’
ChapterTwenty-Five
Dread descended like a fist to the jaw the moment the doors to the train closed behind Alex. Nothing about this felt right. Leaving Sarah alone, tracking down Jizzy after he swore, he would never share the truth of that night. Yet here he was, making his way back to the Netherlands in search of a man that no one knew was alive.
He was so out of his depth, with no grasp on what was right or wrong, which way he should turn. Was Sarah right? Could Jizzy hold the key to their survival? His head said no but his heart… his heart ached for peace.
He looked across the aisle and noticed a young boy watching him. He looked no more than ten or eleven years old, although his solemn brown eyes suggested his soul had traveled further. The boy didn’t look away when Alex caught his eye and raised the corner of his mouth in acknowledgement. The boy remained unmoved. A woman Alex presumed was his mother was speaking in rapid French to an older girl, maybe fourteen years old. They paid no attention to the boy and his fixation with the weary biker.
Alex wondered what the boy saw when he looked at him. His fear, exhaustion, anger, confusion? A man out of place and out of time? That’s how he felt, he realized. He’d lost his place in the world and he was clutching at rocks and falling debris as he hurtled head first over the cliff that was his messed-up life. Although he couldn’t claim to wish to trade places with the boy. When he was ten years old his life was just as pathetic as it was now. Both parents dead and him bouncing from foster home to foster home. Until he came back to The Devils.
The boy’s mother noticed her son staring at the stranger and shook his shoulder, whispering admonishments in his ear.
‘Je suis désolé pour mon fils, il voulait dire aucun manque de respect,’ she said to Alex.
He had no idea what she was saying, but suspected it was an apology on behalf of her son. Alex raised his hand in acknowledgement. ‘No harm done.’
The boy held Alex’s gaze for another moment before turning to stare out the window. His mother and sister had returned to their conversation, ignoring both him and the boy.
The couple opposite him looked about the same age as he and Sarah. They wore wedding bands and the woman was heavily pregnant. He watched as she took her husband’s hand and placed it on her belly, they both exclaimed with joy as they felt their baby move. Alex had never considered a life like that - married, a child on the way. He had no role models that suggested family life was anything but misery. He’d never sought it out, and he and Sarah had certainly never discussed it.
For a moment he allowed himself to picture Sarah in the place of the woman who sat opposite him. His child growing in her belly while she smiled radiantly back at him. The picture was beautiful.
He realized he was smiling when he noticed the couple watching him, smiling back. He nodded and turned his attention to the window, shaking the image from his mind. He could barely keep Sarah alive, let alone a child. Alex would never bring children into the world he inhabited. They were a liability, a weapon to easily take and use against you. There were supposed to be rules, but there were always those who didn’t care if the rules got in the way of revenge or furthering their own prospects.
That was, after all, the main reason Jizzy had left. With his girlfriend pregnant, he wanted a chance to live a normal life as a family. Alex hoped he was succeeding with his plan. He also hoped he had some magic words of wisdom for him and Sarah.
Three more dayspassed before Alex returned with John ‘Jizzy’ Isobel as their reluctant guest. Sarah didn’t care to think what tactics Alex might have used to get him to come to speak with her. She felt a little hypocritical in her deliberate ignorance, but she needed to know how he’d left the life behind so completely.
