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I leaned down, placing my elbows on my legs. “I think I screwed up.”
She stood up to start the bonfire. “I have no doubts about it. Nothing that can’t be fixed, though, I’m sure.”
I hoped she was right. But after what had just happened, I didn’t want to sadden her more with my drama. “It’s okay. I’ll figure it out.”
She pursed her lips. “If I can’t handle hearing about your problems, what kind of friend am I? We’re not friends only when things are good and pretty.”
“I know,cariño. But you have so much on your plate right now.” I didn’t want to be a burden for her when she was dealing with so much already.
“We all do. And mine aren’t the kinds of problems that’ll go away anytime soon.” She finished arranging the wood into the fire pit and lit it. “Some of them don’t even have a solution. Yours do.” She sat next to me as we waited for the fire to thicken. “You’ve always been here for me when things got rough. Always patient and supportive. I have the utmost gratitude for you. And if I can help in any way, even if just by listening to you, it’d be a pleasure.”
We remained silent for a few minutes, while I pondered her words and organized my thoughts. I should be the one thanking her. She paved my way into the DEA. She stood up for me when I decided to marry Andrea, even if they all hated her. Mia, Zach, and Ben welcomed me into their company and their lives with arms wide open. They saved my life more times than I could count, and Mia and Ben helped me save my baby as well. I trusted her with my life. It was only fitting that I trusted her with my truth.
“I’m afraid I’m not good enough for Lisa,” I blurted. She raised her scarred brow in confusion and waited for me to elaborate. “My job was always important to me, I enjoy what we do, and I believe we’re doing something good for our community. But I think I let it get in the way of my marriage, and I’m afraid it might get in our way—Lisa’s and mine.” I leaned forward, bracing my forearms on my knees. “I have a daughter to care for, a sometimes dangerous job, and I’m significantly older than her. She’s starting her life now, while I’ve already lived through a lot. How is that fair to her? I’m only holding her back. How can I, in good conscience, insist on building a relationship with her, knowing I’ve already put her in danger once? My job is once again marring my relationship, and I’m afraid it can’t survive the many issues surrounding us.” I sighed, thrusting my hands into my hair, and admitted quietly, “I’m also not sure I could survive if she resented me.”
Mia didn’t say a word for a while. She poked the wood in the fire pit to let the air meander between the logs, the crackling sound somewhatcomforting me. After a few minutes with only the flames pronouncing, she leaned back, staring at the fire. She snatched a marshmallow from the packet nearby and placed it on a stick before giving it to me and preparing another one for herself.
“When I was a kid, it always drove me crazy the way people started bonfires. Either in real life or in cartoons. It seemed so magical that Bugs Bunny could...blowon a stack of wood, and it lit up.” She shook her head in awe. “On the other hand, if you want to turn off a match, all you have to do is blow on it, and the flame ispuff,” she blew, closing her free hand and then spreading her fingers, emphasizing the witchcraft she was describing, “gone.”
I’d yet to understand what she was getting at. Keeping up with her line of thinking was a challenge sometimes.
“It took me a while to understand some flames weren’t strong enough to endure a little whiff. Whereas others thrived under the wind. Do you know what I’m talking about?”
“Absolutely not.”
She turned her marshmallow over in the fire until it was the shade of golden she wanted. “The same breath that extinguishes a flame can ignite the fire that’s supposed to thrive. You’re so worried that your life, your job, your responsibilities may have jeopardized your marriage. Yes, you need two people to make a relationship work. More, if that’s your thing...but that’s not the point.” She shook her head to recover her reasoning. “Andrea cheated of her own volition, and that’s not on you. You made every decision you could to be there for her and Sofia, yet shechoseto throw it all away. It was hurtful, but let’s face it, she was just a match. You can throw it out now.”
She fished some crackers from the bag beside her and handed some to me. “Lisa, on the other hand, is supportive of you. Just like you are of her. I heard you talking at AIO the other night, about her business idea. She doesn’t resent you for your job, she actually admires you for it. Meanwhile, you’re looking for ways to make her dreams happen. You’re both breathing life into your bonfire, the flames are alive. Because you’re both making sure of it.”
I was starting to get where she was headed, but I was still afraid. “We lead such dangerous lives sometimes. Isn’t it selfish to impose that on her? She has so much to live. Her life is just starting.”
“Life isn’t a guarantee.” She took in a pained breath and whispered, “We experienced that firsthand.” Shaking her head again, as if to throw the intrusive thoughts away, she continued. “And selfish is to take away her decision. Yes, she’s young, and with a lot to live for. But it’sherlife. It’s only fair that she’s the one to decide how to live it. Building a relationship with anyof us might be a gamble, but it’s her prerogative to take it. I’d be pissed as hell if any man tried to make such an important decision for me just because he thinks he knows what’s best for me.”
Was that what I was doing? Taking away her choices? I was so afraid I was limiting her life, when in hindsight I might’ve been limiting her decisions.
“Who knows?” Mia went on. “She might indeed decide it’s too much for her and end everything between you. She also might think she’d rather have you for as long as she can, even if she loses you because of your job, than step away now, living a risk-free life, but without your love.”
A memory of Haley crying into my chest came to mind. She wasn’t crying for loving Zach. She wasn’t lamenting for having to know him, only to say goodbye too soon. She was distraught over not having admitted to the whole world that they loved each other—even if we all knew it already.
“Thank you,” I choked out.
“So, you get it now?”
“I do.”
“Andrea is the shameful match.” She waved her hand. “Throw it away.”
“I got that.”
“The bonfire is you and Lisa. You can blow each other to ignite the flames.”
“That’s very descriptive.”
“I’m the s’more.”
“Now you’ve lost me.”
“But it makes so much sense.”
