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Nick wiped his eyes. “I don’t deserve that, Mel.”
“Can we forget about who deserves what?”
He looked at her for a long moment, then nodded.
“There have been times when I depended on you too much,” she said. “Everything would go crazy, but I knew Gavin would always be here, and you’d always be Nicky Freeman. I wanted you to be the same, even when things changed. That wasn’t fair.”
“I’ll be that guy again.”
“Don’t,” she said.
“But you said—”
“I like you better now.” Mel had never lied to him, not even when it probably would’ve been better for both of them, and he could tell she wasn’t starting now.
“I was talking to Linda Brandazzio this morning, and it turns out I’m a pretty good teacher.”
Mel smiled. “I’m glad you heard it when she told you.”
“It’s like everybody gives me glimpses of who I am,” he said. “And that should be good news. All I’d have to do is just believe you or the Vivez crew, and then people like Kevin wouldn’t matter, because I would know I was better than he thought I was. But it’s Kevin’s opinion that sticks with me. I’ve known you for years, I trust you with my life, but somehow it’s easier to see myself as he sees me.”
“If you expect the worst,” Mel said, “at least you can be ready for it.”
“Fortune cookie?”
“That’s a Mel Beckett original.” She stood up and headed for the refrigerator. “You’d think it’d be the other way around, wouldn’t you? Like we’d be so eager to believe we’re great thatwe’d ignore anyone who didn’t confirm it. But if you start expecting good things, you can be disappointed.”
“Like if you care about it too much, it might not happen.”
“Exactly.” Mel brought milk to the table. “Rose has me bargaining for each day. I’ll start thinking about her prom or her wedding, and I’ll cut it off. I’ll remind myself she may not be around then, so I should be grateful for today.”
The thought of Rosie dying nearly undid him. “If I had known …”
“What?” she asked. “You’d pull your punches? I can’t write or try to book a gig without feeling like I’m betraying her by loving something else. It feels like I’m not grateful enough for her.” She got three glasses from a cabinet. “But what am I teaching Rose if I’m too afraid to livemylife?”
“Rose will always know you love her more than music.”
“I know.” Mel grinned. “So I should show her how much I love music.”
Nick took a shaky breath. “Mel, I’m really scared I’m going to keep hurting people.”
“People hurt each other all the time.”
“Mel.”
Mel set down the glasses. “You’re not mad at Hayley anymore, and you’re not mad at me, so now you think you have to punish yourself.”
“I can’t just—”
“Yes, you can.” She set a cookie jar on the table. “Make your apologies, but if you’re really worried about doing more damage, you need to forgive yourself and move the hell on.” She sat next to him. “Your problem,” she said, “is that you’re too smart.”
Nick laughed. “Is that it?”
“You know people,” she said. “And you’re right about people often enough that you expect to be right about them all the time. If Vicki didn’t love you, you figured no one could, so you thoughtyou’d turn yourself into someone people would like. Except you might hate lying more than anything in the world, Nicky. So you don’t trust the people whodolike you, because you think you’ve tricked them, and you hate yourself for pretending. You’re never more miserable than when you’re bringing home those poor girls you think you want.”
You’re clearly miserable. What’re you doing here?
“I can’t just stop being nice to people.”
