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I could only assume she had so many of the same feelings I did. It was a relief to know I wasn’t alone in any of it. “Do you want to talk about those other things?”
She swallowed hard. “Guilt. God, Banks, there’s so much guilt I feel about moving on. It’s like, one minute I had my whole life figured out—engaged to a man I loved—and I was happy. In the next instant, as quickly as I couldsnap my fingers, it all changed, and Graham was gone. I was devastated, and I had to resolve myself to the new life I believed I was meant to have. But now? Now, after what we just shared, and truthfully, everything else I’ve been getting since I started working here as Rhys’s nanny, I’ve got something I didn’t think I’d ever have again. If I’m completely honest, I wasn’t sure I even wanted it again.”
As heavy as the conversation was between us, I only felt relief as I listened to Lamise speak. She was validating so many of the same concerns and worries I had about all of this.
“I understand exactly what you’re feeling, Lamise,” I assured her. “The guilt has been there for a long time. I mean, I feel it even in other areas of my life. When Rhys does something that makes me laugh or if he hits another milestone, I think about how I get to experience it, and Violet doesn’t. That’s hard enough. But this is something else, and I don’t think it’s easy at all to navigate.”
In an instant, I watched as some of the tension eased out of Lamise’s shoulders. “It’s such a relief to hear you say that. I love that you can understand exactly what I’m feeling and why.”
Reaching out, I curled my fingers around her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Whatever you decide you want to do here, I’m okay with it. If this is too much right now, I’ll be disappointed, but I promise I won’t push you for more than you can handle. And I will not allow things to get awkward, because I still believe you are the best person to be here with Rhys.”
Though I meant every word I said, I could admit none of them were easy to say.
Because I didn’t want this to end. I wanted the chanceto explore it. Yes, I felt the guilt and terror and sadness, but I also felt a renewed sense of hope and security and happiness. And it was much easier to lean into the positive feelings.
“What we had tonight—the dinner, conversation, and the kissing—was something I thought my future held,” she rasped. “Being here tonight with you and Rhys is a lot like how I’d imagined my life would be. That was the plan Graham and I had. I’d left my job not long before he died, because we’d decided I was going to be a homemaker. I was going to stay home and take care of the family we wanted to raise while Graham went to work and provided for us.”
I couldn’t stop a small laugh from escaping. Offering a sympathetic look, I revealed, “That is precisely the way it was going to be for us, too. Violet was going to be home with Rhys and any other kids we had while I went to work every day.”
“And now it’s all different,” Lamise murmured.
“And now it’s all different,” I repeated.
For a long time, the two of us sat there in silence, letting the weight of our conversation and the reality of our situations to settle heavy on our shoulders. As good as it was to get it out in the open, as much relief as it offered, the conversation and our reality still held an edge of despair.
Lamise was the one to break the silence. “I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.”
“Neither do I,” I revealed.
“I thought I did, then I met you and Rhys. I don’t want to be alone any longer, Banks.”
Seeing her emotions starting to get the best of her, I opened my arms and held them out to her. “Come here.”
Without hesitation, she curled her body into mine, andI wrapped my arms firmly around her. “It’s not wrong, is it? It’s okay to want this, right?”
“I think so,” I answered honestly.
Her cheek still pressed firmly against my chest, Lamise asked, “Do you worry?”
“About what, specifically?”
Tipping her head back, so she could look up at me, Lamise clarified, “That we’re just latching on because we’re lonely and can understand what each other’s been through. Do you worry that it’s not the real deal?”
My eyes roamed over her beautiful face. I believed I already knew the answer to that question, but I wanted to take a moment to consider it. Eventually, I said, “I believe we are latching on to one another because we’re lonely and have an appreciation and understanding for what each other has been through. But I don’t worry that it’s not the real deal because of that. If anything, I think it makes what we’re feeling for each other even more honest and sincere.”
Lamise dropped her chin down, burrowing herself closer to me and draping her arm across my abdomen. The silence stretched between us once again, and I was happy to sit with her in it. It was nice, comfortable. And it felt good to hold her in my arms, regardless of where this went from here.
“Graham would want me to be happy,” she finally shared.
My arms tightened around her, hope surging through me that she was drawing the conclusion I’d been hoping she would. At the same time, her words gave me reason for pause.
“I’m not sure I can say the same,” I confessed.
Her body tensed. “What?”
“I don’t know. I think I want to believe Violet would want me to be happy, too, but I had been happy with her. Graham died from a snake bite. He had no say in the matter. It was different with Violet. Sometimes, I still struggle, wondering how she could have left Rhys and me. At the same time, I know it’s not as simple as that. What she was going through… it kills me to think she suffered alone. Deep down, the woman she was, I want to believe she’d want the best for me. She’d want me happy. There are just times when I ask myself if she knew that I was deliriously happy with her.”
The tension ebbed out of Lamise’s body, and for a long time, she didn’t respond. I started to think I’d shared too much and was about to apologize when Lamise, without an ounce of malice, said, “I’m sure she knew how happy you were with her.”
