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Because she was gone.
My boy’s mom, my wife.
Violet.
Fuck, I missed her. And every time I looked at our son, I saw her. It was just as one of my coworkers had said to me several months ago when I’d gone to him to vent myfrustrations and get some advice on how to cope with Violet’s death.
Before I’d walked out of Jax’s office that day, he told me to remember that the best parts of Violet were in my son. He wasn’t wrong, because Rhys had her smile, which had been my favorite of Violet’s features. I wondered how he’d change as he got older, and what other things I’d notice in his personality that reminded me of his mom.
As much as I wanted all of that I could get, I hoped it would get easier to cope with experiencing it. There was no question life had been particularly trying lately.
It was difficult not to feel like I was carrying the weight of the world around on my shoulders when I was the one responsible for my wife’s death. Doing what I did for a living, I should have known how much she was struggling. I should have noticed some signs.
But I didn’t.
I was so caught up in how great I felt, how exciting life had become for me, that I missed it all.
My wife suffered in silence after giving me not only her heart but the miracle of our child, and guilt ate away at me.
Rhys was six months old now, and his mother had been dead for half of his life.
God, if I allowed myself to think for too long about it, my day would quickly take a downward spiral into a pit of despair and hopelessness.
That was precisely the reason why I decided to focus on anything that prompted me to smile. It was far better than the alternative. And it was those things that helped me to get through each day.
Because they almost always started and ended with Rhys.
My eyes fell on the scene in front of me, and I gave myself a few moments to soak up the good vibes.
Rhys was happy as a clam as he listened intently to his grandmother talking to him, making a huge fuss over him as she always did.
My mother had been a godsend. I had no idea what I would have done without her. Really, it was both of my parents, but my mom stepped up to the plate to help me in a way nobody else had. I was beyond grateful for everything she’d done for us.
Though, I guess I could understand it.
Being a parent now, I understood that unconditional love. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my son if he needed my help. And I guess that’s how it was for my mom with me.
Or, that was what I had initially thought it was. But I soon realized that while my mom was doing what she was doing for me, it was more about Rhys. Not long after he was born, she’d shared her feelings and claimed that while a parent would always love their children, that love couldn’t even begin to come close to the way a grandparent felt about a grandchild.
Regardless of the reason, I was utterly grateful for everything my mom had done from the start.
She’d been there from the day we lost Violet until now. In the beginning, it had been about doing what she could to simply help us survive. I was distraught over losing my wife, being busy blaming myself, and Rhys was far too young to understand what was happening.
My mom made sure he was cared for during those moments of weakness when I needed to just curl up in my bed and let go of the emotions.
As time went on and I began to heal, my mom backedoff a bit. She knew how important it was for me to bond with Rhys on my own, and for months, I’d been doing that. It was always just the two of us—Rhys and me.
My mom came back into the picture on a more regular and planned basis now that I’d finally gone back to work.
I’d taken a substantial amount of time off from my job, because it was necessary. Not only did I need the time with Rhys to be able to bond with him, adjust to life as a single father, and grieve properly for my wife, but I wasn’t exactly in the line of work that allowed me to be distracted. I knew I couldn’t go back until my mind could handle being there.
Understandably, it took some time.
It had been a few weeks now, and I was feeling better and better with each day that went by. Obviously, I still missed Violet like crazy, but I was slowly learning I couldn’t allow my grief to consume me.
Rhys needed me, and I had no choice but to be the father he deserved, the father Violet would have wanted me to be to him.
Belatedly noticing I was standing there, my mom’s face lit up as she looked at her grandson in her arms. “Look who’s here, Rhys. Daddy’s over there, watching you.”
