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Jesscontinued to stroke his hand, keeping her gaze on his fingers.Shedidn’t want to spook him.
Aftera minute, he said, ‘Fatimawas fearless.Shehad a nose for a story like nothingI’veever seen and a great eye.Shewas also wise and funny and irreverent.Shewas the best friendIever had…andIcouldn’t save her.’Hisvoice caught, and he continued to stare at the ceiling as he spoke. ‘Wemet at a hotel bar inKabulwhen we were both new to the job.Wewere in this room full of hardened photojournalists, legends of the industry and we were just these new kids…still wet behind the ears.Oneof the other guys—he was known for being a sex pest—he put his hand on her ass andIstepped in to say something.Butshe had it covered.BeforeIeven opened my mouth, she kneed him in the balls and lit a cigarette.AfterthatIbought her a drink and that was it.Wewere a team.’
Jesspictured this beautiful, vivacious woman who ate risk for breakfast and saw opportunity in disaster.Thekind of womanJesswished she was more like.Wasit possible to be jealous of a dead woman?Becausethat’s the only way thatJesscould describe the slippery feeling in her belly, and she felt guilty for it.
‘Wedidn’t always get to work on the same assignments, but we did whenever we could.FatimaandIalways pushed each other to be better photographers.Sheencouraged me to go in myown direction with my style, not to follow the herd.Asusual, she was always one hundred percent right.’Hisvoice hitched, and he descended into silence.Jessdidn’t say a word.
Hedrew a shuddering breath. ‘Exceptthe one time she wasn’t.’
Everythingwas hushed.Jessbarely dared to breathe, afraid to interrupt him telling the story he needed to get out.
‘Wewere in the mountains in the northeast ofAfghanistan.Therewere three of us: me,JohnsonLee—a journo fromLondon—andFatima.Shewas on assignment withLeMonde;Iwas there forTheNewYorkTimes.Wehad heard about a village that theTalibanhad decimated, but no one had the story yet.Johnsoninsisted his intel was good and we were sharing a driver, so we all went or none of us went.Iwanted to turn around.Usually, it was me pushing us to the brink of danger, but this time…my gut just said we should go back.ButFatima’stold her we should keep going.Shesaid, let’s just drive forward another kilometre and see if we could find anyone with more info.’Hebanged his head backward on the cushion. ‘Ishould have listened to my own intuition.
‘Itwas my second time being kidnapped.Adownside of the job.Asit was happening,Inaively thought this time would be similar to the first.Afew days of getting the shit beaten out of us, then negotiations, and release.But…’ he paused, ‘…Iknew pretty quickly that this was different.’
Hequietened, his gaze shifting inward.Jessshuddered to think what atrocity he was watching, the movie in his mind.ElodietoldJessthatGabrielnever spoke about what happened inAfghanistan.Shecould see why.Ittook a lot of courage to go back there.
Aftera minute of silence,Gabrielwent on. ‘Theseguys who took us, they were young…angry…untrained.Didn’tcare that we had value for a trade…they just hated us.Keptcalling us dogs.Tauntingus.Theyespecially hatedFatima, because she was brown like them.BornMuslim, although she didn’t practice.
‘Theykept us hostage for four days.’Heshook his head and laughed with no humour. ‘Atleast that’s how long they told me it was…after.It’shard to know when you’re wearing a blindfold.Everyso often they’d move us to a different location in the village.They’dtake off our blindfolds, tie us to the tail of a donkey in a row, always in the same order:Fatima,Johnson, me at the back.Andthen they’d parade us around.Ikept thinking, surely, word would get back to somebody that this is going on.’Breathingdeeply, he said, ‘Somevillagers threw rocks at us.That’showIgot this.’Hepointed to his eyebrow.Jesslonged to kiss the scar, but suppressed the urge.Shedidn’t want to interrupt his flow.
‘Theplaces they kept us were always dry and dusty.Nothingto sleep on.Noblankets.Thedays were warm—maybe 70 degrees—but the nights were freezing.Atleast they let us lie next to each other at night, for body heat.Somebodywas always watching us or nearby.Usuallyin pairs.Theywould take it in turns to hit us.Fatima—’ he choked on the word. ‘Theydid their worst to her.Iactually heard her arm snap.Afterthey did it, one of them called his wife on his cell phone, to…tobrag…’
Jessdidn’t need him to say any more.Tearswere leaking from his eyes, hers as well, and she could just picture what they’d done to his girlfriend.
‘Iheard her pleading with them not to touch her.Itried to stop them, but my hands were tied behind my back.Sotight,Icould barely feel my fingers.Idislocated my shoulder trying to get myself free.Theyjust laughed.AndFatima…she told me to stop.Didn’twant me to get myself killed.’Heran his thumbs under both his eyes, as though by wiping the tears, he might also wipe away the memories.
‘Onthe fourth day,Iremember the children stopped playing.Outsideour cell.Usuallywe could hear them through the window.Itwas the only pleasure we had.Theseyoung voices, laughing.Thesound gave me hope.Anyway, on this day, they disappeared andIsensed that something was up.Thensuddenly all hell broke loose.IheardAmericanvoices shouting, and then machine gun fire.Thinkingwe were alone in the hut,Imanaged to wiggle over toFatimaand bit off her blindfold with my teeth.Shedid the same for me.Herface…both her eyes were black and blue.Shehad bruises up and down her arms.Johnson’slips was split and his nose, completely busted.Secondslater, one of the kidnappers came in, eyes crazy, waving his gun around, shouting.Fatimatried to reason with him—she spoke fluentPashto—but…’Hepaused for a moment. ‘…Buthe shot her.Rightin the heart.Istarted screaming, so he shot me too.Blewmy foot right off.Thensomebody shot him.AndIpassed out.
‘NextthingIknew,Iwas in a hospital inKabul.Aweek had passed.Myfoot and half my lower leg was gone.Fatimawas gone,’ he whispered.
Jesssaid, ‘Ican’t imagine what it’s like to lose someone you love like that.It’shorrible.’Nowshe completely understood his nightmares. ‘Butthere was nothing you could have done to save her.’
Gabrielsqueezed his eyes tight. ‘Icould have insisted we turn back.’
‘Youdidn’t know the future any more than she did.’Jessdidn’t want to say what she was thinking, that it was a dangerous job, andFatimawould have known the risks.
Helifted his head and looked down atJess. ‘Yesterdaywas her birthday.Ispent the day with her wife and daughter, marking it, like we do every year.Johnsonusually comes, too, but he’s on assignment.Hedidn’t quit, likeIdid.’
‘Wifeand daughter?’Jesssaid in surprise. ‘Ithought…Ithought she was your lover.’Shehad assumed that best friend meant soulmates.
Hehuffed a laugh. ‘Areyou kidding me?Thatwould have been like sleeping with my sister.’
Warringemotions rolled through her: relief thatFatimawasn’t the love of his life, and self-reproach at even thinking that it mattered.Itdidn’t affect the pain he felt.Butwas it wrong thatJesswas glad thatGabrielwasn’t pining for a lost love?Itwas hard to compete with a ghost.NotthatI’mcompeting, she reminded herself.
Shereached up and cupped his cheek in her hand. ‘Thankyou for telling me.’Herthumb stroked the shadowy line of his stubble.
Theireyes connected as their breathing grew louder.Hiseyebrows furrowed, and he searched for something in her gaze.Herlips parted.
Rememberinghow skittish he’d been after they’d kissed earlier, she thought she’d better take this slow, ask his permission before she acted on her desires. ‘Isit alright ifImake love to you now?’
Hegulped and nodded.Removingher hand from his face, she pushed herself onto her knees and swung her leg over his lap.Sheshook her mane of hair behind her and cupped his jaw between her hands.Leaningover, she kissed him tenderly on his scar, repeating it on the other side.Next, the top of his cheekbones, his nose, his ear, his neck.
Hisfingers sank into her hips, pulling her down where she felt him growing hard.
‘Gabriel,’ she gasped. ‘Letme take some of your pain away.’
Shepressed her lips to his.Atthe same time she leaned back to lie down, pulling his body with her, so that his weight lay ontop of her.Shehad been right; this sofa was a great place to make out.
