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‘Good morning Ava. I’ve had a great week, thanks for asking.’
‘Fine. What have you been up to?’ I open my mouth to respond but she interjects with, ‘Actually, I don’t care.’ My lips come together with a quiet pop as I approach the counter. ‘I need you to teach me how to be charming.’
‘I can’t imagine why you’d need me to do that.’
Her eyes narrow into slits. ‘I’ve been doing some soul-searching—’
‘I didn’t know you had one of those.’
‘Has anyone ever told you it’s rude to interrupt?’ We settle into our spots; her behind the till, me perusing the snacks. ‘Anyway,I was thinking that if I want to start dating with intention—Google says that’s what it’s called—I need to work on being more agreeable.’
She pauses her spiel for a second to take a breath and it gives me enough time to ask, ‘Can I get three flat whites, please, to drink in?’
She rolls her eyes, because really, how dare I order a drink? ‘I can’t bemefor this hypothetical love interest. I need to be nicer. Warmer.’
‘Ah, changing yourself for a man. That always works out.’
She aggressively tamps coffee grounds in response. ‘This is actually the part where you say “oh no, Ava, you’re already super nice and warm”.’
‘But we both know that would be a bold-faced lie.’ I grab three packets of wafers and slide them onto the counter. ‘You don’t need to sand off your edges. Someone out there will be into the whole prickly thing you’ve got going on.’
‘Right, well, I disagree. I need your tips on how to—’ she moves her hands around in front of her, searching for the words ‘—embrace my natural charm.’
Hernatural charm.Ava has the natural charm of one of those spiders that shoots needles from its body. ‘Why can’t Josie teach you? She’s literally a professional speaker.’
‘She’s busy,’ she says, pouring milk into a jug.
‘And I’m not?’
‘I’m not convinced you even have a job. All I ever see you do is drink coffee, move your notebook from one side of your laptop to the other, and periodically get up to flirt with our middle-aged customers.'
‘The elderly customers too, in my defence.’
‘That’s not a defence. Have you ever completed a piece of work in here?’ She starts steaming the milk and, as always, I marvel at how it’s one of the rare activities she can execute non-clumsily.
‘Sorry boss, I didn’t realise you were keeping tabs on me.’ In the hope she won’t hear me over the machine, I add under my breath, ‘It’s not my fault this place is distracting.’
She turns off the steam and knocks the jug against the counter,swirling it in place. ‘Why do you work here if it distracts you?’
Now is not the time for that conversation. I rub my jaw and reply, ‘I thought this was about you and the desire to unleash your latent charisma.’
‘It is,’ she says. ‘Just tell me how to be charming. Use your super-alpha-male, manly, masculine knowledge—’
‘Don’t love how many adjectives you used there.’
‘—To help me figure out the perfect level of softness to make this guy I’m going out with like me in the right way. Not in, like, a purely sexual way.’ She widens her eyes to emphasise the last part.
‘Hold on, I’m lost. You want the guy you’re dating tonotbe attracted to you in that way?’
‘Yeah. No. I don’t know. I haven’t had much experience dating for any reasons other than sex.’ She lowers her voice so that customers won’t overhear, although frankly I doubt this conversation would be the most scandalous thing Belinda’s ever heard. ‘I want him to view me kind of how you do.’
Because I never view her the way I know I shouldn’t. Right. I really can’t tell if I’m a fantastic actor or if she’s just horrifically unobservant. Both could be true. ‘You want him to treat you like a human, essentially?’
‘Yes, Finn.’ She has the audacity to look at me like I’m the stupid one for not understanding her non-problem. ‘I’m going on a date tomorrow with this guy who likes climbing, or bouldering, or whatever the fuck it’s called, and he seems very nice.’ She spits out the word “nice” like it’s a live grenade. ‘And I really want to try and get a second date. He feels like the kind of guy who’d be easy to date. Easygoing, interesting,nice. Believe it or not, I have never been asked on a second date with a guy I’m actually interested in. The only ones who’ve asked to see me again have been utterly unhinged or, like, eighteen.’
I’m not sure I want to know about the latter. ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not going to tell you to change who you are.’ She rolls her eyes before setting the last mug on the counter. ‘Look, you’ve obviously already decided what you’re doing. But I think you should be yourself.’
Ava looks at me incredulously. ‘That’s a terrible idea.’
