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I try not to look at her while her attention is on the menu board as we stand in line for the ice cream truck, but I can’t help it. Her lips are slightly pouted as always, her chest flushed from the heat, and her hair’s piled into an uncharacteristic bun, with wispy waves stuck to the back of her neck. I understand why that guy she hooked up with wrote poetry about her. I’ve understood for a while, if we’re being honest.
‘What do you think they’re talking about?’ she asks, nodding her head back the way we came. If she caught me looking, she doesn’t show it.
I consider lying but decide against it. ‘Whether we’re secretly sleeping together.’
She nods slowly. ‘What do you think their conclusion is?’
‘They think we have. Well, Julien does, at least. I’m almost certain he doesn’t believe me.’
I can’t see her eyes behind her sunglasses and for a second regret giving them to her. She reveals more in them than anywhere else on her face. ‘Why not?’
Because I slip your name into conversation so often even I’m bored listening to myself speak.‘Because we spend so much time together,’ is what comes out instead.
‘That’s all?’ We step forward a few paces in line and she unties her hair and restyles it, the way she often does when she’s thinking.
‘No, that’s not all.’ The heat’s loosened the truth from my tongue, and I give her the smallest amount of it that won’t scare her away. ‘Because you’re very much my type, as Julien is well aware.’
The sun goes behind a cloud and she slides her glasses up onto her head, revealing open curiosity in the slight widening of her eyes. ‘And what’s your type?’
What’s my type? Smart, confident, beautiful. Probably too smart and confident and beautiful to stay interested in someone like me for long. That’s not self-deprecation; it’s just the way it is. I know who I am, and however much she holds back, I’d like to think I know her pretty well too.
‘Brash, kind of rude, perpetually toes the line between tolerating me and wanting to shove me off a bridge.’ She chuckles softly and it makes me want to pull out a full laugh; one of her rare, unapologetic ones that opens up her whole face. ‘Oh, and bangs. Historically, I have always had a thing for bangs.’
There it is; the laugh that releases whatever burden she holds close at all other times. I almost don’t want to taint the sound with my own, but I can’t help it, so I let my laugh blend with hers; two instruments in a symphony.
A smile still tugs at her mouth when she stops, and she’s quiet for a few moments. ‘Didn’t realise ten centimetres of hair could have such an effect on someone.’
‘You have no idea.’ I mean it as a joke, but the truth is, every tiny piece of her has an effect on me, and I’m too needy to walk away.
The following weekend Julien and I head to Tooting Lido a little earlier than the others. A rectangular gem of blue amidst the green of the common, with changing huts in vibrant primary colours lining one length of it, it’s still early enough that we’re not yet packed like sardines in the water. But with the morning sunlight beginning to blaze, it won’t be long before crowds start to spill into the pool.
Julien’s spent the better part of an hour trying to beat my lap times, and while I respect his dedication to failure, I’m glad when he swims to the edge to take a breather at last, leaving me floating somewhere in the middle of the pool. Which is where I am when I spot Josie and Alina approaching from the huts, Josie holding the crook of Alina’s arm as they walk. From behind them, Ava appears.
I’m used to seeing her in her work clothes; dark t-shirt, jeans, an apron. I’m used to seeing her in regular clothes now too; usually a skirt or dress that hints at what’s beneath but doesn’t give anything away. I’m not used tothis.
Not this much skin; slightly sunburnt below her neck, limbs dotted with bruises she no doubt has no recollection of getting.
Not the entire length of her legs where the black swimsuit cuts high up her hips.
Not the way the material hugs every curve and dip of her body, how it alerts me to the fullness at her chest, her stomach, her thighs.Fullness that makes my hands feel suddenly empty.
The person swimming past me looks at me in concern when I let out a groan of distress. And so, like the grown man I am, I swim to the other end of the pool before she notices me. I take my time with it, focusing on every move, every breath, and in doing so come to the conclusion that this lido trip was an awful idea. I’m like a horny teenager who’s never seen a woman before.
By the time I reach the far end of the pool, I grab onto the edge and inhale deeply. Then, like a mirage or a nightmare, I hear her.
‘Morning, Finn.’
I look up to find Ava’s blue eyes sparkling brighter than the sun-flecked water, a smile casting its magic over her face as she perches on the edge. I pull myself up to sit next to her, which may be a terrible decision, but I’m losing my mind not being close to her.
Her gaze slides down my bare torso, neither subtly nor brazenly, and I manage to ignore the hammering of my heart to say coolly, ‘Hey bud. My eyes are up here.’ Ironic, coming from me, because it’s taking every atom of restraint not to move mine from her face. She laughs, and I feel like I’ve won. ‘Why are you so chipper this morning, Ava Monroe?’
She moves her legs in the water, taking her time to answer. ‘I feel like I’m at a crossroads.’
‘What kind of crossroads?’ I watch her kick, hoping her ankles are a safe enough body part to look at.
‘Seeing Josie finalise stuff for her exhibition, watching you go for a job you really want, knowing Max is thriving; it’s made me feel like I should start making changes.’
She looks towards the far end of the pool as she continues, ‘First of all, I’m going to stop hooking up with men I don’t care about.’ She juts her chin out and looks me in the eye, like she’s worried I’m going to berate her. ‘I’m not ashamed. But I don’t think it’s helping my mental health anymore. They filled a void for a while, and now they don’t. I want to meet someone and try something simple.Something that doesn’t leave my head in chaos.’ Her eyes flicker to my mouth for a split second and I feel my jaw go tight.
