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‘Oh Ava,’ he picks up his drink and takes another slow drag, ‘there’s a lot more that I’ve been holding in, trust me.’
I don’t know what to make of that, so I simply say, ‘I miss when you spent your days only being nice to me.’
He analyses me over the top of his mug. ‘No, you don’t.’
I wiggle under my duvet and sigh in agreement. ‘No, I don’t.’
17
who knew I was capable of thinking with my head?
F I N N
Shovelling a few slicesof toast into my mouth and downing almost a litre of water before I went to bed last night saved me this morning. Thank you, drunk Finn, for being smart.
After I’ve spoken to Ava and let my heart rate settle, I call my mum on my walk to the leisure centre, letting her congratulate me on my job interview.
‘It’s still only early in the process,’ I say. ‘I might not even get it.’
‘You will.’ There’s a pause before she asks, ‘Does your dad know?’
‘I told him I got an interview but I haven’t told him specifically what for yet. Or where.’
Another pause. ‘And this is definitely something you want?’
We always gloss over the fact she doesn’t like my dad, and for the most part it’s not an issue. But I wonder if she’s worried that being closer to him will take me figuratively further from her. I’m my dad’s only child, so we both know that his attention doesn’t have to be split three ways.
‘You know I’ve always wanted to try living in San Francisco,’ I tell her, avoiding a pile of fried chicken on the pavement. For years, San Francisco has always felt like a distant dream. Something was holding me back and I could never quite bite the bullet to apply for jobs there until now. Maybe it’s because I finally feel like I have enough experience to go for a role that feelsright.‘The position seems like it was made for me. It was one of those job ads where I could check off every single item on their requirements list and then some.’
‘Of course it was, you’re so—’ her voice is muffled for a moment and I can hear someone else in the room before the sound sharpens again, ‘I’m sorry chick, I’ve just realised I should’ve left to drop Ali at robotics five minutes ago, can we chat later?’
I push down the heaviness in my chest. ‘Yeah, of course. Tell him I say hi.’
The twins have so much going on all the time and she’s there for all of it. It makes me feel like it’s a good idea to focus on my relationship with my dad for the next few years, knowing she’ll be focused on Aisha and Ali for a bit longer.
Just before I slam my locker closed in the changing room, I notice I’ve received an email from my dad’s assistant. He’s having a hectic time at work, so I don’t expect much direct contact at the moment. I haven’t mentioned anything specific about the job yet, but I can’twaitto tell him I’ll be moving closer to him soon, if it all works out.
Now, in the pool, choppy water tumbles around me the way thoughts crash against the inside of my skull and my brain goes somewhere else entirely. To that same place it’s been going a lot, recently, any time I’m alone.
It goes to a beautiful woman with a near-constant scowl.
When Ava answered my FaceTime earlier, sleep-deprived and hungover and prettier than anyone should be in that state, I didn’t wish I was next to her instead of a screen away.
When I gave her the glass I stole from the bar and her face lit up, I didn’t almost blurt out that I felt like I was standing alongside living, breathing moonlight.
And when there was lightning in the air and she was looking at me like I might be able to answer every question she’s ever had, if only I closed the distance, I didn’t want to kiss her.
Okay. I didn’t want to kiss herlike that, after she’d just shown a vulnerable side of herself, still reeling emotionally from telling me about her brother being sick.
I almost fucked it up last night. Almost.
I think she’s beginning to trust me, and I won’t jeopardise that. There’s also the glaringly obvious fact that she as good as told me that whatever that moment was last night, that almost-something we almost had, was an embarrassing, alcohol-fuelled mistake. So thank god I listened to my brain, especially when other parts of my body were begging for attention.
I was never quite enough for what Léa needed, and I doubt I could be for Ava, either. Even if shewerelooking for something else, I know I won’t be around for much longer. I refuse to start things I know I won’t finish. The simpler, the cleaner, the better.
What I can get from her as a friend is far more valuable than a drunken night that ends with her never talking to me again. Because I know what she does with the men she hangs out with, and I don’t want to be discarded with them.
As much as I tried to push against it, before Ava came along I was beginning to feel the brushes of loneliness, the special kind that only exists in a city like this one. So many people, so many lives, yet you can’t quite touch any of them. But since starting the bucket list, London’s felt a little more welcoming, a little more familiar, a little more liveable. That’s too important to lose.
