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I watch his gaze glue to a mother and son as they walk past, both laughing hysterically. ‘Are you close with your mum?’
‘I try to be. But the fact we live on different continents means it’s difficult to organise calls and visits. She’s so busy all the time.’ He pulls his eyes from the pair and clears his throat before adding, ‘Always has been.’
‘Does it bother you?’ I prod.
‘I’m used to it,’ he says. He blinks a couple of times like he’s surprised he said it, and his leg starts to bounce.
‘And your dad?’
‘I don’t get to talk to him as often as I’d like either. But he’s a really busy man too, so that’s why. He does amazing work. He soldhis first company and is now high up in this organisation that focuses on sustainability in tech.’ I notice the way his words spill out when he talks about his dad, like he wants to say as much as he can to convince me. ‘Both my parents have spent a lot of time on their careers. It’s healthy, I think, for parents to live their own lives, without being around their children too much.’
‘Yeah.’ I don’t really know why I lie, but it feels like that’s what he wants to hear.
I have distinct memories of my dad coming into mine and Max’s room late at night after a twelve-hour shift at the hospital while I was half asleep on the bottom bunk, brushing my hair from my face and whispering that he’d missed me. Or, years later, when I was at uni, FaceTiming me while I was mid-movie marathon with Josie just because he wanted to tell me about a band he thought I’d like on his way to a night shift. He’s always made the effort.
‘I’ve started looking for new jobs for when my contract ends here and there’s one in San Francisco that I’m interested in. I’ve wanted to work at this company for years, and the role seems like it’d almost perfectly fit my skill set. If I get it, I might end up seeing my dad more often.’
‘That’d be nice,’ I say, though I have no idea if it would be. I barely know Finn, but a part of me feels like I should be careful with how I respond. It seems to be the right answer though, because his face lights up.
‘He’s really cool. Like, we’re probably more like friends than father and son. He just doesn’t give a fuck.’ He tilts his head and says, ‘Maybe a little like you.’
It sounds like a compliment, but something about it niggles at me. Both his knees are bouncing now, so I stand up, knowing he’ll follow and can start walking off some of his restless energy.
‘You’re not like him?’ I’m aware that the more I ask him, the less likely he is to ask me questions.
He inhales deeply and releases it even slower. ‘In the way we live our lives, yeah I am. But I’ve always admired the way he knows who he is. When he moved away, he really found who he was meant to be.Wherehe was meant to be.’ I don’t think he knows I can hear the unspoken words.And it was away from me. ‘I want that too. I want to find the thing that really speaksto me, you know?’
He runs a hand through his hair and I catch the way the sun reflects the red strands there. He must’ve got that from his mum.
‘That’s why you move around so much,’ I discern. ‘To find it.’
We amble around the fountain, already on our second loop.
‘I suppose,’ he says, shooting me a rueful smile.
I can’t quite figure this man out. I’d expected him to be an entirely open book, but apparently there are some pages he’s either not willing to share, or doesn’t even want to read himself. Fine with me. It’s not like I’m going to share every secret I’m harbouring either.
‘Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for.’ I’m surprised by the earnestness and I immediately feel the urge to lighten the mood. ‘Because when you do, you might actually leave me alone.’
He laughs and the sound hits somewhere deep inside me, but I’m soon distracted trying to dodge a loud group of neon orange-clad summer school kids that runs across our path.
‘I’ll be gone before you know it, and all you’ll have to remember me by will be the cavernous hole in your heart where I used to live.’
‘I think you’ll need a full-blown military strategy to get anywhere close to my heart, but please, try your best.’
‘You underestimate my capacity for stealth.’ I raise my eyebrows and he points at my heart. ‘I’ll find a way in. Make friendswith the people who live in there.’
Befriending the few people I care about seems like a surefire way to wedge himself into my daily life even more than he is already. I’m once again glad he’s not in London for long.
We’re close to the statues again and my brain unearths those memories of Max and me from that summer day, years ago. Even then, as he climbed the lions, I was worried for him. Worried he’d slip and hurt himself, worried our parents would tell him off. He told me to stop being a baby so I joined him, because at least we’d both get in trouble together. Or, if it came to it, at least we’d fall together. On equal footing forever, neither of us with better luck than the other.
Just as Finn and I finish another loop of the fountain, something stops me in my path.
‘Oh my god. I thought that guy was about to propose.’ I draw his attention to a couple over by the foot of the stairs. I shudder and mutter, ‘Horrific.’
His mouth twitches. ‘Grand gestures are fun.Fun,Ava Monroe.’
‘They’re embarrassing.’ I make an effort to wipe the disgust off my face.
