AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘This one said he doesn’t like Parmesan.’Immediateswipe left.
‘Could be lactose intolerant.’
‘This man,’ I play a voice note aloud, ‘is doing an impression of Shaggy fromScooby Doo. And it’s not even a good impression of Shaggy fromScooby Doo.’
He’s six-four though, so I swipe right.
Josie heaves a full-body sigh. Unfortunately, she’s one of those hopeless romantics who’s convinced there’s someone for everyone, even me. But I’ve spent too long battening my heart’s hatches to open them again for anyone, so headboardless one-night stands it is.
‘Don’t you think you could be judging them too harshly?’ she asks. ‘That maybe you’re being a little too… pernickety?’
‘Me? Pernickety?’ I try for an indignant gasp but it comes out as a snort.
‘We live in London. You could be living through an early-noughties romcom and you’re not.’ She leans forward, loose strands of hair swinging past her face. ‘More importantly, I could be living vicariously through you, and to put it plainly,Iam not.’
‘I’m so sorry that me not wanting a relationship is ruining your fun.’
‘Dating apps have killed romance,’ she whines, and her head may as well be transparent, because I can practically see her imagination dropping me into a story where a young Hugh Grant comes into the coffee shop and immediately falls in love with me, floppy hair and boundless charm and all. ‘Where’s the courtship? Where’s the tension?’
‘You met Alina at a musical theatre-themed bottomless brunch. What tension?’
She narrows her eyes but her mouth twitches traitorously. ‘The moment our voices mingled for the first time wasfraughtwith it, actually.’
‘The moment you met, you were singingOn My OwnfromLes Mis,’ I point out.
‘Okay, technically, yes. But this isn’t about me.’ Her phone pings with a text and she’s distracted for a second as the screen reader reads it aloud, too fast for me to understand as always.
Our relationship has always been like this. We were the only two girls in flat 1A in our first year of uni and stuck together amidst the chaos of the boys’ endless drinking games and terrible kitchen etiquette. We’d have movie nights with Baileys hot chocolate and popcorn (she liked sweet, I liked salty, so naturally we both grew to love a mix) where we’d watch all theTwilightfilms in a row, reciting every line word for word.
Not much has changed in our living arrangements since that first term, except nowadays we live in her parents’ so-called investment property in South London, and when we watchTwilightwe fancy Carlisle and Charlie more than Edward and Alice.
‘Have you ever considered meeting someone in real life? Off the apps?’
‘And haveyouever considered doing stand-up? I hear they let anyone in these days.’ For someone so intelligent, this is an absurd thing for her to suggest.
‘What? You could kill two birds with one stone. Get out moreandmeet someone new.’
I could hide my lack of a social life better while I was living with my parents back in Kent, but now we live together again it’s impossible to ignore. It’s not like I’ve ever had a massivecircle of friends, but I used to get out of the house more, at least. Since Josie’s been working long hours at the gallery recently, I’ve been left to my own devices. Devices that are, frankly, guided solely by my libido. Because there’s no other type of socialising that I’m in need of.
‘Ava, people do this all the time. It’s really not that weird.’ She lists the items on her fingers, ‘All you need to do is go out, do something fun, a hobby or whatever, and find someone while you’re there. It’s simple.’
‘But have you met me?’
‘I believe so, yes.’
‘Okay, well, we have two issues here. First, my only hobby is listening to mid-2000s pop punk while staring wistfully out of windows.’
‘You could do something arty. See if you can get uni credits for evening classes on graphic design or something.’ My stomach twists at her words but she continues, ‘Or go pottery painting. I know you’ve always wanted to try it.’
‘Pottery painting classes are exactly where I imagine the most torrid of love affairs to begin.’ No one gives a disparaging eye roll quite like Josie and it’s one of my favourite things about her. ‘Mysecond issue is that if any man out there is looking for a woman with the cheer of a tombstone and the emotional intelligence of a rock, he probably has some issues of his own that he should sort out first.’
She finishes her last olive and says, half fondly, half insultingly, ‘You’re not nearly as unpleasant as you think, you know.’
‘Josephine, flattery will get you nowhere.’
‘Oh my god, can we focus?’ I am extremely aware of how I’ve interrupted her evening of relaxation. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way—’
‘This feels like something I’m going to take the wrong way.’
