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A sharp gasp escapes me when he hits a certain spot, and he slows instantly, chest heaving. ‘Are you okay?’
I lift my hips to meet his in response and he pushes into me again, forcing the headboard against the wall with a thud. Then he drops onto his forearms, and even when we’re pressed together like this, I still wish we could be closer, somehow.
We move against each other with increasing urgency and I know he needs me as much as I need him, because just before my world erupts, he breathes, ‘You.’
And I get it.
You holding the door open for me, you bringing me into the sunlight, you waiting for me to burst into colour and sound before you let yourself unravel too. You, me,two ends of the same thread unspooling as one.
You, you, you.
Finn’s fingers draw lazy circles on my hip as we face each other in the dark, the gap in the curtains casting a cool strip of moonlight over his face.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever liked anyone as much as I like you.’ He kisses my forehead and lets out a sigh before he continues. ‘You don’t have to feel the same. But I had to say it.’
His honesty spears my heart. My own emotions are too tangled up to unpick while he’s still here. I feel the weight of time on our shoulders, and the right words stick in my throat. Instead, what comes out is, ‘You’ve always been very patient with me.’
‘Should I not have been?’
His eyebrows draw together and I reach a hand out to smooth his forehead. ‘I’m not sure I deserve it.’
‘I wanted to know you, Ava. Every version. However long it would take. For months,’ his fingers trail past my waist, up to my shoulder, dusting my skin with sparks, ‘I’ve had to pretend the sound of your laugh doesn’t make me want to fuckingskip. Had to pretend watching your face light up while you do really bad karaoke doesn’t take all the oxygen out of the room. Pretend being near you doesn’t make me feel like I’m in the presence of a star exploding. It’s suffocating.’
‘Sounds painful,’ I offer weakly, stupidly. Right now, enveloped in silver moonlight, I’m an imposter in someone else’s life; a person who lets herself receive forehead kisses and comparisons to the stars.
‘I’m sorry if I keep saying things that are too intense. I just…’ His hand moves to cradle my face. ‘I wanted you to know.That’s all.’
‘I’m sorry for being the world’s worst compliment receiver.’ I turn my head to kiss his palm. I want to live in this feeling. In this possibility. ‘And I’m really sorry this hasn’t worked out the way we might’ve wanted it to.’
‘Me too,’ he says softly. Then he presses his lips against my shoulder and his breath tickles my skin as he laughs. ‘We’re apologising too much. What’s something you aren’t sorry for?’
I let the question sit between us. There’s so much I could say, but even the thought of it weighs on my chest. ‘I’m not sorry for lying to Josie about you being my friend.’
He tilts my chin up and our lips meet, and I wonder how much he knows I’m holding in. How deeply I wish I could be as open as he deserves. How painfully my heart wrenches, knowing that might never happen.
But tonight isn’t about never. It’s not even about tomorrow. So we kiss further, deeper, limbs intertwining, hands and mouths dragging across skin, and we have unhurried, lazy sex in our own bubble, where time doesn’t pass and people don’t leave.
By the time I wake, there’s no imprint on the pillow next to me. I squint against the light spilling through the split in the curtains, groggy but well rested. There’s something twisted about the fact it’s the best night’s sleep I’ve had since Max told me his news.
When I sit up to hunt for my phone, I spot a blue t-shirt folded up on my dresser. I know I shouldn’t do it, I know I should try to make things easier for myself, but I put it on, relishing the way it smells like him. Tomorrow, I’ll figure out what London looks like without him. Today, I’ll let myself miss him.
My phone tells me it’s just past midday,and aside from the usual meaningless notifications, there are two texts from Finn.
I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, it felt too final
I check the time stamp and find that the second one was sent two hours later.
I promise I’ll come back
Despite the walls, despite the defences, Finn worked his way in. He found the soft spots and made a home there. Now, a torn-off piece of my heart is currently miles above the Atlantic, and I feel it like a phantom limb as time and distance stretches between us. No stone left unturned, but plenty left unsaid.
39
give yourself a try
A V A
Max’s treatment is allthat occupies my mind for the next few weeks. He stays in our flat on Monday to Friday so that he can go to his specialist hospital in London, and on days where I’m on the late shift at work I accompany him. When he goes back to our family home on the weekends, I can’t tell if he dreads being coddled by our parents or secretly looks forward to the comfort of it.
