AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Uncertainty creases his forehead. ‘Am I making the right decision?’
‘There’s no such thing as the right decision. It’s just a decision.’ Everything in me wants to avoid eye contact, but I fix my gaze onto him. ‘You make it, you nurture it, and eventually you find out what it grows up to be.’
‘Then why does it feel wrong?’
‘It’s a big change.’ I analyse him; messy curls, ridiculous t-shirt, eyes like velvety espresso, curious and playful and thoughtful all at once. ‘Are you excited for this job?’
‘Yes.’
‘And are you ready to explore a new place?’
He sighs, scratching his jaw. ‘Yeah.’
‘So what’s stopping you?’
The silence stretches between us into something physical. It presses against my lungs, an ocean opening its jaws. His voice is low when he says, ‘I think you know.’
I let the next wave of quiet roll over me before I speak again. ‘You can’t pin your happiness on someone else.’ The words surprise me. Because really, haven’t I been doing the same? I gain momentum, remembering what Josie said ages ago about how she and Alina take the time to work on themselves individually so they can become better for each other. ‘It feels good, but it’s not healthy. And it’s not the right time. I think we both have things to prove. I need to know I’m okay. That I’m not broken.’
He curls an arm around me and pulls me to him, his face in my hair as he murmurs, ‘You’re not broken.’
‘I have to confirm that for myself.’ I relax into the security of his hold and give him some of the truth I’ve been unpicking over the past few weeks. ‘Being aroundyou made me forget, but it didn’t get rid of the stuff in my brain, underneath. That’s still there.’
His chin rests on top of my head and I feel him nod, feel the urgent, anxious pace of his heartbeat. ‘I want you to feel better. More than anything.’
‘And I want you to feel settled. You won’t be satisfied until you’ve proven to yourself that you can do this job.’
‘I just hope I’m good enough for it.’
You will be. But you have to give this decision the attention it deserves,’ I say, closing my eyes and imagining a world where I can spend more time tucked against Finn like this. ‘A couple of months ago, San Francisco was all you were talking about. Maybe it’ll become your favourite place you’ve ever lived.’
I don’t say I’ll visit, because it feels too close to a lie, and because he might do what he’s always done and cut contact completely with his old life as soon as he settles in his new home. There’s no way of knowing.
His pulse slows and finally, he gives a long, low sigh. ‘A decision is a decision. I’ve got a new job and I’ll make friends, and it’ll be fun.’ It feels like a mantra.
‘It’ll be fun. And you’re excited,’ I remind him. That’s when the idea comes to me. ‘Let’s make a San Francisco bucket list. Tonight.’
As we scroll through pages and pages of tourist websites and travel blogs, I could almost forget he’s leaving. We get sucked into bizarre Reddit threads and readAm I the asshole?posts aloud like they’re slam poetry, making our way through a good chunk of Finn’s secondhand snacks in the process.
It’s still fairly early when he notices thetime; the sky a dusty violet, wisps of clouds only just visible through the living room window. But this man is not me, and I watch him do the maths to make sure he can get enough sleep. ‘I don’t really want to sleep yet, but I probably should finish getting ready for bed.’
I join him in the bathroom and we stand next to each other at the mirror as we brush our teeth, taking part in that silent contest you do in other people’s company where you spend far longer brushing than you normally would. I don’t know how many minutes it’s been by the time he caves.
‘Jesus,’ he says after he’s spat out the toothpaste and rinsed it away. ‘I thought I was gonna end up having to swallow that.’
‘It wasn’t a competition,’ I say through my toothbrush, the words garbled. ‘I won though.’
‘Where’s your spare bedding? I’ll set up the sofa.’ I point towards the airing cupboard as I spit out my toothpaste and he says, ‘I hope I’m not being a stereotypical man here, but I can’t see anything.’
I wipe my mouth and go to the cupboard, sure I’m going to find our spare set right in front of me. But he’s right, it’s not there. And I know I washed it after Max used it recently. I open Josie’s bedroom door and there, in the corner, is a pile of bedding. Grabbing my phone from its spot on the side of the sink, I see a text on my home screen from Josie from over an hour ago that I must’ve missed.
just remembered that rudes peed on the spare bedding so it needs to be washed, sorry!!!
As far as I’m aware, Rudy hasn’t had an accident since he was a puppy, but I don’t think too much about it after that. I spin around and Finn’srunning a hand through his hair, still squinting into the cupboard like the sheets might materialise if he looks hard enough.
‘Sorry, Josie’s used it recently so it’s dirty.’ I wish we still had the sleeping bags from the museum, but Alina took them back already.
‘I can just sleep without a sheet or anything, it’s fine.’ He closes the cupboard door and I can feel the warmth coming off him, he’s that close.
