AllFreeNovel
Share Us
This conversationbeing that I need to tell him I can’t do anything else. I can’tbeanyone else.
His fingertips brush against mine where I’m resting my hand on the counter, and he dips his head to say, ‘Please?’
I wish the touch of his skin against mine didn’tsimultaneously ground me in comfort and send my heart cartwheeling. It’s this kind of complication I can’t handle right now. But I need to rip off the plaster.
‘Dylan,’ I call her name, already untying my apron. ‘I’m going for lunch.’
I don’t know if either of us outwardly suggested it, but we find ourselves back at the rooftop we went to months ago. This time, we have iced coffees instead of wine. This time, we aren’t strangers.
‘Is this awkward?’ he asks eventually, after a few minutes sitting on the bench in silence, the incessant noise of cars down below barely covering my racing pulse. ‘I’m never awkward around you.’
‘Then let’s get it out of the way. Let’s talk.’ I’m a coward, because I say, ‘You go first.’
He nods and brings his cup to his lap. ‘Okay. I need you to listen to all of it before you say anything. I think we should talk about what happened on Saturday. But I need to say something else first. I heard back about the San Francisco job yesterday.’
‘On a Sunday?’ I try to keep my voice even. ‘The legendary American work-life balance.’
He shrugs. ‘Yeah. I found out I didn’t get the one I applied for—’
‘Really?’ My heart forgets a beat or two, discordant and stuttering.
Finn’s knee starts to bounce as he continues, ‘There’s more. I didn’t get that job because they’ve decided to hire internally. But it turns out someone else in the company leftunexpectedly and they need a replacement ASAP. They were impressed by my interviews and really liked me and think I could bring good things to the team, so they’ve offered that position to me instead. It’s better pay, more opportunity for progression. They somehow found out who my dad is, even though I have my mum’s last name, and I think that swayed them. I have big shoes to fill.’ He swallows and watches my face as he says, ‘They offered me a job that starts in three weeks.’
Oh.I let out a weak, ‘Congratulations.’
‘I haven’t accepted it yet.’ A siren passes below.
‘You should.’ My voice sounds like it’s coming from someone else. Wasn’t this what I was hoping for? There I was, looking for a way to tell him that whatever was brewing between us couldn’t work, and here he is, with exactly the kind of opportunity he was looking for, but better. Serendipity.
A dent forms between his brows. ‘I should?’
‘This is what you wanted, isn’t it?’ I need to read the signs. Max’s news reminded me why I can’t take risks. Finn’s news is showing me a way to send him away with minimal hurt. The universe wants me to stay on the path of least resistance, and I’m going to listen.
‘Itwas.’ He seems to be looking for something in my expression. He doesn’t find it. ‘But recently I’ve felt less sure.’
‘You were sure when you applied.’
‘That was before… everything.’
I don’t know how to tell him that the portcullis has dropped, the drawbridge is up, and the fortress is as closed as it’ll ever be. What comes out is, ‘This is the real world. You don’t just drop your whole life plan because you had one good night with a woman.’
‘One good night?’ He clenches his jaw, the lack of stubble drawing my attention to the muscle there.
I wave a hand dismissively. ‘Fine, two if we count the nightbefore.’
‘Stop.’ His voice reverberates through me, dangerously low, and the command sets off goosebumps along my skin. He meets my eyes, and if my gaze is steel, his is a blazing furnace. ‘Don’t act like what happened this weekend is all we are. As if it doesn’t feel like we’ve been laying the foundations for something, even if we don’t know what it is. Lie to yourself all you want, but not to me. Not about this.’
There’s a beat of silence, then two, before he speaks again. ‘Now is the first time in a long while that I’ve wanted to see what could happen if I try.’
It’s not enough just to want and be wanted. I need to be able to give back, and I can’t. ‘You know what would happen? We’d fuck it up. You think we’d be able to start and maintain that kind of relationship over the phone? You think you’d be able to do long-distance again? You think I’d be able to give you everything you need?’
He shakes his head, and I think it’s less to disagree, more to shake the thoughts loose. ‘You’re still assuming I’m taking the job.’
‘You’re taking the job, Finn.’ Exasperation coats every word. ‘You want to prove yourself. And that’s okay. This was your goal. You say I’m lying to myself, but so are you. You wanted a new job in a new city, and then this one shows up, better than you even imagined.’Maybe one that’s enough to impress your dad, I silently add.
‘Come with me,’ he says in a bout of desperation, eyes wide, hands raking through his hair and reverting it to the messy curls I’m used to.
Anger pulses through me. ‘I’m sure my life seems small in comparison to yours, but I can’t uproot it. I’m needed here. Iwantto be here.’ As if to remind me of what’s at stake if I take any more risks, the familiar shadows skulk at the edges of my brain. I set myjaw too, lifting my chin. ‘You have a habit of investing too much of your heart into people who can’t give you any of their own.’
