AllFreeNovel
Share Us
He heaves a sigh, a smile I don’t believe pulling at his mouth. It’s not been that long since the first time, but he looks so much older now. He’s lived so much more. Lived throughso much more.
‘I will be. It might be a false alarm anyway. It might be nothing.’ He doesn’t need to saybutit’s probably not. I hear it anyway. ‘I always knew it was a possibility. The hip replacement should’ve been enough to stop it returning, but that was never a given. Guess it couldn’t stay away.’ He attempts the kind of joke we haven’t used in years, the ones we pushed between us in our delirious, fear-driven panic, the ones our parents could never laugh at because it hurt too much. ‘I’m irresistible, apparently. Which I completely understand.’
I nod slowly, trying not to let him see what’s going on behind my eyes. ‘When do you find out more information?’
‘I had a bunch of tests last week—’
‘I could’ve come with you.’
‘You didn’t need to. Seriously,’ he nudges me under the duvet, ‘it’s not like this thing is new to me. I go for scans and tests all thetime anyway. I should find out the results soon, and if it’s what they think it is, they’ll probably put me on a course of radiotherapy and specifically target the spot on my pelvis.’
‘No chemo? Or surgery?’ I ask, my fingers curling in on themselves, nails digging into my palm as the memory of what happened last time takes over my vision in high definition. My body tingles like I’m coming down with something, and my skin feels like it doesn’t quite fit anymore.
Max understands why I’m asking. Of course he does. ‘It’s unlikely. So don’t panic.’
‘I’m not panicking,’ I say instantly, ironing out my features. While Max is in front of me, I can’t let him see the truth. My only job is to be here. No distractions.
‘I had a hunch something was wrong a little while ago but didn’t want to admit it,’ he mumbles. ‘My leg’s been feeling weird. I assumed it was my hip starting to play up because I’ve been doing too much physical activity. It’s always been a bit more sensitive to pain ever since everything happened. But I knew I had a scan coming up anyway, so I waited.’
‘Max,’ I chastise softly. Why didn’t he push for an earlier appointment? How could he be so careless with his health, knowing what’s at stake?
He shrugs and suddenly he looks five years old. ‘I know I’m an idiot. I get it. Trust me, I’ve heard it all from Mum and Dad.’ He catches my expression. ‘I told them the other day but I wanted to tell you in person. And I wanted to have fun last night. I wanted to be normal for a bit longer, before it fucks things up again.’
This is what he struggled with last time. Depending on people, bearing their pity, disrupting the vibrant life he loves so much. An inconvenience as much as it was a nightmare.
I squeeze him and it all comes back to me; everything I’ve spent years trying to forget. The fear that kept me awake every night. The dread any time Dad’s contact info appeared on my phone screen, knowing he was calling with more bad news. Having to consciously avoid the bandage-wrapped PICC line in Max’s arm whenever I hugged him, how he looked in thehospital bed with his life in the metallic hands of machines, the way my heart has never quite healed from that one terrible day.
I shake my head to clear the image, to banish the fog to the corners of my vision until I’m alone. If he wants to feel normal, that’s what I’ll give him. ‘What do you need me to do?’
‘Can you not tell anyone?’ he asks, voice quiet. ‘I mean, you can tell Josie, and Finn I guess, if you’re together, but the more people who know, the more real it is. It feels like I’m jinxing it or something. I dunno. It sounds stupid, but I just want to pretend, for now. If that’s okay.’
My heart grows ten sizes. I know better than anyone how it feels to want to put your faith into something bigger than yourself, to ask it for help even if you’re not sure you believe it can. Jinxes and wishes and prayers never felt more real to me than the last time he was sick. ‘It doesn’t sound stupid. Whatever you want, I’ll do it.’
We continue watching our generically funny sitcom, and by the time he packs up his stuff to leave, it’s only the hug that lasts a few seconds longer than normal that alerts me to what must really be going on in his head.
‘Can you promise me something else, Col? Don’t worry until you need to worry. I know that’s easier said than done. But until then, please just,’ he squints like he’s reading the words in the air, ‘be normal.’
‘I promise,’ I say, my head beginning to throb as it unpacks the boxes I’d long since shoved to the back of my brain.
‘I’ve been dreading telling people, but not you. I can always count on you to be okay. You’re the only person in my life who doesn’t give those stupid trite platitudes that make me want to throw up.’
‘God gives his hardest battles to his toughest soldiers,’ I say, droppingmy voice to make it sound more dramatic, which sends his eyes rolling. I bump against him. ‘You’re alright, as far as brothers go.’
He scrunches his nose in distaste, adjusting the bag strap on his shoulder. ‘That was alarmingly close to sentimental, for you.’
‘You’re alright, as far as brothers go, but I’d drop you the second a better option came along?’
He grins and says, ‘Much better.’
We both know he’d still be my favourite, though. And I’d do anything for him; even act like I’m not shitting myself too.
34
excuse my French, but everything’s going to shit
A V A
I don’t snooze myalarm for work like I usually do. I’ve already been awake for an hour. Or longer, I don’t know. I’d crawled into bed after Max left and lay there for hours with the fading daylight, tears burning my cheeks, muscle memory dragging the old fears back to the forefront of my mind and sending me into a fitful sleep.
