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I know I should go, too, but I’m not in the headspace. Besides, just because we’re a big blended family doesn’t mean Jessi and Lewis won’t want some one-on-one time with the kids, just like I do.
Laura sighs. I look over at her, and she’s twisting her hair around her fingers. It’s a nervous habit I’ve noticed, and it makes me want to grab her hand. I look away instead.
I only make it for a second before I’m looking at her again.
“You’re sullen,” I say. It comes out too firm, too judgmental. I meant it as an opening, but I see her flinching.
She takes a long moment before she replies, and that, more than anything, makes it clear that I’ve messed up.
“Well, we’re preparing for a breakup, aren’t we?” Laura says. She looks at me, but it’s different—it’s like she’s looking right through me.
When her eyes flicker away, she stands up, muttering some sort of excuse. I watch her go, and a slow feeling of dread creeps through me.
This… This is the future I’ve created.
Laura, on the periphery of my life. Looking at me, but not lookingatme. Seeing through me.
I’d known—I’d thought I was prepared, for this. For the future where she was just out of reach.
I never thought we’d end on such terms that she’d cease to be… mine, I suppose, even after she was truly and officially off limits.
I can’t imagine a life like this. A life where Laura is always there, except not.
I stand, and my hands shake enough that I spill the coffee I’m letting grow cold. I take it to the kitchen, wash my hands, and my head swims.
What do I do?
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? What do I?—
“Dad!” Benji’s voice breaks me out of my spiral.
I turn, smile plastered on.
“Woah, you look creepy like that, Dad,” Benji says. I snort, and itdoessort of help alleviate the tension in my neck. “Lewis is about to… you know!” He looks around, then, in a whisper that actually isn’t quiet at all, “…Propose!”
I gasp. It’s instinctual and I can’t help it. Benji nods eagerly. He points towards the back yard, and I go to look out the window.
“Get Laura,” I tell him, squinting through the small window pane. I can see Jessi and Lewis walking around the perimeter of the yard.
“Angie is!” Benji says. It makes me feel warm, and terrible, that they already thought of her.
Laura arrives just as Jessi and Lewis are turning back to the house. Jessi sees me, squints, and waves. I duck my head, and Benji sighs.
“Nice going,” he mutters.
“Did I miss it?” Laura whispers in that same too-loud voice. Benji shakes his head, and slowly, all three of us peak our heads up.
Angie has climbed onto the island, fully just standing in full sight of her mother and Lewis.
We all watch.
Lewis drops to his knees, and I see Jessi’s face drop as well in surprise. But then she’s grinning. Laura leans against me, just to see better. Outside in the snow, Lewis is clearly pouring his heart out—Jessi’s eyes are wide and she’s clearly crying as Lewis’ mouth moves rapidly.
“Wow,” Laura whispers.
I want to wrap my arm around her. I want to hug her. To hold her. Tofeelher.
I want her.
