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Panic fills my chest and my horror-filled eyes meet hers. “I’m so fucking sorry. Lilly, fuck.” I grab a handful of my hair. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. Fuck. I was just so out of my mind with rage from losing, what that fucker said to me on the ice, and seeing you kiss Ryan. All I could think about was claiming you, making you mine. Proving to myself that you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I didn’t realize my strength. Fuck. I’m a monster.”
“Toby.” She places her hand on my arm, but I jump back from her touch. I’m a monster. I’m a god damn monster. She shouldn’t be anywhere near me. This, this is why I’ve stayed away. I’m no good for her. I’m no good for anyone. I’m broken and fucked up. A danger to anyone around me.
Her face flashes with hurt as she lowers her hand. “It’s just a little blood. It’s fine. You didn’t hurt me. It was amazing. It felt good. So damn good. Toby, you're not a monster.”
“But I hurt you,” my voice cracks, tears filling my eyes. “There’s blood.”
“Well...” She laughs nervously. “I hear sometimes that happens when you lose your virginity.”
I blink at her, mouth parted in shock. Sure as hell doesn’t happen to guys, so that means... “Lilly.” My breathing starts to pick up again. “Please don’t tell me that was your first time.”
Her cheeks turn bright pink, making me curse. “Then I don’t know what to tell you. Because, ah... yeah, it was.”
“What the fuck!” I shout, grabbing at my hair again, pacing back and forth. If someone walks in, they’re going to see a naked man with a bloody dick and think I’m fucking nuts. And maybe I am. I don’t feel exactly sane right now. “But you were with Jonas for two years.”
“So?” She watches me, eyes staying on mine as she reaches down to grab her clothes. She gets dressed as she talks to me. “Jonas and I, we never did more than kiss a few times and hold hands. It never felt right. He wasn’t the one I wanted to do those things with. It was you, Toby. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything more. So, what we just did? It’s what I’ve been waiting for.” She laughs nervously again. “Maybe not in the hockey locker room, but at least it was with the right guy.”
“How can you be so calm right now!” I growl, grabbing my own clothes. I can finish my meltdown clothed. “I just fucked you like a savage against the lockers, took your fucking virginity in a blink of an eye. You deserved better than that.” I shake my head. “You deserve better than me.”
“No,” she states with force. “Don’t. I know what you're doing right now, Toby, but stop it. Don’t push me away, not after what we just did. I love you. I want to be with you. You told me I was yours.”
There are so many things going through my mind that I can't think straight. I shake my head, over and over. She is mine, she will always be mine. But I can’t be hers. I’m too broken, too fucked in the head. I can’t and won’t put her at risk of being hurt. If I hurt her, I would literally kill myself. “That was before I hurt you!” I shout. “I don’t regret it, Lilly. I never could. You're everything to me. That was everything to me. But...”
“Stop it!” she shouts, tears streaming down her face. “Stop saying those things. I don’t think you're a monster. What we did was everything to me too. So stop saying those things about yourself.”
“But they're true! If you knew the things I’ve done, you would agree.”
“Then tell me! I don’t even know you anymore.” Her crying makes me feel like trash. I’m upsetting her. I’m doing this to her. It’s all I’m fucking good for.
“No.” I shake my head, moving towards the exit.
“Tobias Munro, if you leave me here alone, if you walk out that door, we’re done. You will lose me forever,” she screams on a broken sob.
I look at her, eyes filled with pure agony, and give her a broken smile. “Maybe that’s for the best. You deserve the world, Lilly, and all I can offer you is pain.”
I turn around and shove the locker room door open.
“I hate you!” she screams before breaking into a sobbing mess.
I feel sick. I’m shaking with anger, with sorrow, with every fucked up sensation you can think of.
“Hey, man. What's wrong?” Jonas walks around the corner. “Bishop sent me to check on Lilly because he’s tied up with your dad right now.”
Rushing over to him, I grab his shoulders. “I’m trusting you, Walker. I’m trusting you to go in that locker room and take care of my girl. Because I can’t.” I hate how tears are spilling down my cheeks. I’m fucking weak. “Please, take care of her.”
“Y-yeah, of course. What's going on? Is she okay?”
I don’t answer him, I just take off. I need to get as far away from here as I can.
I’m on autopilot, unsure where I’m going until I reach my car. People are shouting my name from behind me, but I ignore them.
With shaking hands, I reach into my jeans and grab my car keys. Slamming the door shut, I put the keys in the ignition and start the car. I put it into drive, give it a rev, and take off. My eyes flick up to the rearview mirror to see Jax, Brody, Chase, and my dad standing there, watching me go.
If they knew what I just did to their daughter, they would kill me.
Going back to the dorm is out of the question—it’s too close to Lilly—and the hockey house isn’t an option. The team is not happy with me, not that I blame them. They have every right to be pissed. I fucked up big time tonight.
So I drive until I find the first shady motel. I’m crashing, the adrenaline dwindling down to the point that I just feel numb.
