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“What do you want?” I don’t know if he can hear me; my voice is muffled against his chest.
He does. And without hesitating for a second, he answers, “You. I wantyou. You and Willow.” He tightens his embrace around me. “I want us to be a family. I want… I want all of that with you. And I’m so fucking terrified that I don’t deserve any of it.”
I don’t move from my spot, mainly because it’s too comfortable. But also so he doesn’t see my face just yet. “You don’t want me to leave?”
“What?” Demyen eases me back so he can squint at me in the moonlit dark of the bedroom. “No. Of course not. Never.” He smooths my hair back and tips my face up to his. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because…” I clear my throat; I don’t have enough tears left to start crying all over again. “I’m damaged goods. I’m fucked up in the head. I’m… tainted.”
Demyen cuts off my explanation with a kiss. Nothing pushy or overly passionate, but more solidifying and permanent. “Shut the fuck up, baby. You arenottainted.”
I don’t know how, or why, but that somehow makes me laugh a little. “Right.”
“You are beautiful. Incredible. Smart and strong and brave and?—”
“I’m your father’s sex slave.” I suck in a shuddering breath. Better lay it all out now so we don’t have to drag through it later. “I did… things. He did things to me. I don’t know… shit, I don’t even have memories half the time of what all he actually did to me. I’d just wake up and be covered in… in… I don’t know!”
The memories are flooding back. I’m clinging to Demyen to anchor me into the here and now, so I don’t go catapulting back to the nightmares of the past.
“Hey. Hey, shhh…” He pulls me back into him and slowly rocks me in his arms.
My stomach clenches again. He’s going to be an incredible father to our baby.
And still, I don’t have the guts to tell him.
“You did what you needed to do in order to survive. I know. Fuck, Clara,I know. A few weeks in his household is terrible enough, but I spent sixteen long years under his thumb. So when I say I know, I get it, I understand… I really, truly do.” He draws in a long, shuddering breath. “Oleg doesn’t just want to ruinyour body; he wants to control your mind. He’s always been like that. It’s never enough to physically break someone. He enjoys playing all these sick mind games until you don’t even know which way is up.” Demyen nuzzles my hair with a sigh. “I know what it’s like to hear him call you kind things, to praise you for random accomplishments and treat you like a human being. And then he yanks it all out from under you and reminds you of the demon he really is.”
Only a few moments ago, I was clinging to Demyen for comfort. Now, I’m holding him to give him comfort. Not because he’s asking for it, or necessarily because he needs it.
Simply because my heart is breaking for the little boy who just needed his daddy to love him.
“I kept telling myself, my whole life, that my mother didn’t care about us.” Demyen’s voice cracks slightly. “I’ve been telling myself she was a terrible mother. Gone all the time. Having parties and sleeping around. But… sometimes? I wonder. And I don’t want to know the answer. But I wonder if Oleg used her the way he uses everyone else. The way he planned on using you.”
Now, we’re both clinging to each other.
And it’s okay. Because I’m here.
I’m here and I’ve got him.
I will always be here for him.
“The whole time I was with him, I…” I almost choke on the words. “I thought you hated me. But I didn’t care. I just wanted to get back to you. I fought to get back to Willow, but I… I prayed to get back to you. Maybe your mom did the same.”
I never met the woman. It’s a stretch, I know. But after seeing the way Oleg is and how completely different Demyen is, and tries to be? I have to believe that the good in him, that glow that exists even when he’s trying to be intimidating, comes from the other half of his parentage.
And I want to believe that, no matter what, she’d be proud of him.
We run out of words to say. It’s fine by me—sometimes, our kisses, our touches, convey more than anything we could say. So that’s what we do; we kiss and caress and hold each other as moonlight dances through the window, speckled by the branches of the trees.
I don’t realize I’m straddling him until I come up for air. Demyen simply strokes my sides, feeling my hips before smoothing back up. He gazes at me with eyes full of love and promise.
They quickly darken with lust when I sink myself onto him.
His shirt is quickly tossed to the side; I need to feel him on my skin in the most direct way possible. I don’t have to wait, either, because his hands quickly envelop my breasts and massage me there while I push down more.Fuck, even now he feels so big inside me.
Everything is a heady blur, like I’m drunk on his love and thirsty for more.
But right now, I just need him. Like this.
