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Cyrus replaced ice packs and rested cool rags on my head that just made my teeth chatter even more.
The bed moved here and there as he climbed out and back in. At one point, I thought I heard him talking to someone, but I couldn’t be sure if it was real or not.
The more time passed, the tighter my lungs felt. I’d been sick before, but never like this, never where I wondered if I would live or die, and all I could think was…if something happened to me, it would devastate Cyrus. It would kill him, and I cared more about that than what happened to me.
“Open your mouth, baby. I have to take your temperature again.” I shook my head and heard his voice break when he said, “Please, Crow. Please,” which made my heart crack down the middle.
I wasn’t supposed to hurt Cyrus. I was supposed to protect him, love him, show him that he was worth more than he believed.
“Crow…come with me. I need to get you into a cool bath.”
I don’t remember making the decision to move. I didn’t make a decision to do anything, wasn’t sure if any of this was really happening, but one moment I was in bed and the next I was in the bath, hissing and flailing because the water felt too cold against my skin.
Then, I was in bed again.
The three boys across the table were looking at me and giggling quietly. The foster parents didn’t seem to notice. I wanted to take my food and go into the other room or refuse to eat, but I was starving because I’d already gone two days without eating. I fought with myself to hold out, to last longer because then maybe if I did, they would let me go home, they would let me go back to my mountain where things made sense and people didn’t stare at me and call me names. Where they didn’t sneak into my room when I fell asleep and dump water on me, take my things, or try to cut my hair.
“Eat up, Crow. Please. You can’t starve yourself,” the woman said. I think she wanted to be nice, but I just wanted her to leave me alone. Wanted everyone to leave me alone. People were so loud here, and they didn’t follow any of the rules. They weren’t Enlightened and—no! I wasn’t supposed to care about that. I hated him. He’d hurt my mom, had killed her, had taken away the only person who loved me. The person who loved me more than anything else, even if that was wrong and it was supposed to be God and Chosen above all else.
She was gone. I didn’t protect her. I hadn’t shown her I loved her the way she loved me. I had failed her.
My stomach growled.
I was so hungry.
I scooped some stew into my mouth. Once I started, I couldn’t stop, bite after bite after bite, inhaling it, devouring, before picking up my bowl and swallowing the rest.
The kids laughed again.
I threw my bowl at them, hitting one in the head.
“Crow!” the man said, then dragged me to the room they said was mine but that would never be mine. I belonged on the mountain, to the mountain.
I wasn’t in there long before my stomach started to gurgle. I ran to the bathroom and couldn’t leave for hours. The boys had put laxative in my food, but I was in more trouble than they were because I’d cut his temple open with the bowl.
“Don’t trust anyone in the outside, Crow. They will poison your mind and your body, give you things they say will protect you, but really, it’s just for control,” Chosen’s words came back. He’d been right. The boys did exactly what he’d said people would do. Did that mean he was right about everything?
No! He killed her. He took my mom away from me!
He tried to kill me too.
…
They took me to another prison they called home. This wasn’t my home. It would never be my home.
Kids took things from me, hid them, threw them out. Laughed at me. They stole the notes I’d written about Chosen…about Mom… Made fun of me for them. When I fought them, it was my fault. Always my fault.
I just…wanted to go home.
“I want to go home.”
“Baby…you are home. I’m right here with you.”
“Cyrus?” I didn’t know if I was talking or if this was in my head. How was he here with me when I was a child, back in the outside world?
“Crow?” a gentle voice said, soft and loving.
“Mom?”
