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Cyrus
“Tell me where it hurts.”
Two months later, I couldn’t get the rough, gritty sound of Crow’s voice out of my head. It was all I’d thought about. Well, that, and the feel of him touching me, the gentle way he’d stroked my face as if I were something precious to him and he didn’t want to break me, though not in a way that made me feel like he thought I was weak. Plenty of men had made me feel that way, but with Crow it felt like I was something to cherish, like I meant something to him.
Which was absolutely ridiculous. The two times he’d been to town since I’d left his place, he’d proven that I was out of my mind and that him caring about me was just wishful thinking. Both times he wouldn’t even make eye contact. He’d ignored me when I’d tried to speak to him, to tell him I got confirmation it was a bad sprain, no fracture, and I just had to wear one of those special boots. I’d used the crutches I’d gotten from the doctor and had tried to give Crow’s back to him, but he’d only pushed them away and walked out.
And I was the idiot who had my feelings hurt about it. When would I ever learn? I had never truly mattered to anyone except my mom, and I never would.
I was off my crutches now and out of the boot. Would he care?
Sometimes Eddie made you feel like you mattered. He at least made you feel wanted.
I rolled over in my bed, hoping somehow the movement would make those thoughts fall out. I’d been having them more and more lately. Crow might not want me, but Eddie would, his friends as well, and it would help, even if only for a moment.
“That’s the dumbest thing you can do. When will you ever learn?” I asked myself, my words echoing in the empty room.
I wondered if Crow ever did that. Did he speak to himself? Just talk out loud in the cabin or in the woods? His voice had been rough, but I figured he’d had to use it some for him to still have it. But what did I know about those things?
With a sigh, I forced myself to sit on the edge of the mattress. I didn’t want to go to work, just wanted to sit in my bed all day, but I knew I had to go.
I plucked my antidepressant and mood stabilizer off my nightstand, took the pills with my water bottle, and was already waiting for the day to be over.
*
I couldn’t stop pacing. I’d done something really fucking stupid, and now that mistake was about to show up on my doorstep.
I wrung my hands, my stomach in knots. But I needed this. Needed something. Was it so bad to want to feel good? And Eddie was easy. Eddie always came because he knew that once he had me again, he could get me high and all that would matter was him and the drugs.
My eyes shot to the door when there was a knock.
Don’t do this. Don’t answer.
But how could I call him, then let the man jump on a plane, only to ignore him now? I reminded myself I’d told him I didn’t want drugs, that I didn’t want to fuck, that I just needed a friend. After everything we’d been through, Eddie should be able to give me that much.
I cleared my throat, made sure I had my happiest smile on my face, and opened the door. “Hey, you.”
He was dressed in slacks and a button-up shirt, as usual. Eddie had money. A lot of it. And he used that money to have a lot of fun.
“Jesus, Cyrus. A small town called Tranquility? What the fuck are you doing here?” He stepped inside, held my face in his hands, and kissed me, but I pulled back.
“I like it. The name is cute, and I needed a change.”
“Well, this is certainly a change.”
I went deeper into my living room, and he closed the door.
“It’s dark in here. This apartment is…let’s say old.”
“Christ, Eddie. Don’t start already. I didn’t call you here to critique everything about me.”
His blond hair was perfectly styled, again, same as always. He gave me the grin that always got him his way. His smooth skin was flawless, no stubble on his face. He looked like he belonged on a runway, and I never understood why a man like him had paid me any attention.
Because he can get what he wants out of you. Because he knows you’re dying for attention, and he uses that to control you.
“You’re right, babe. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insult your little apartment here. It suits you.”
A thinly veiled dig. This was definitely a mistake.
