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“It sounds like you didn’t think she was leaving.”
“I honestly figured she’d try to stay in town.”
“If she’s not at the clubhouse, it’s better that she’s not in town,” he says. I know that, but Lindell is a lot more complicated to get to than some place across town.
I warned her of the dangers, but there’s a voice in my head saying she hasn’t been connected to the club for very long, so that makes her safe. I was praying she’d be stubborn enough to find a place to stay or get a hotel. That’s what she told Em she was planning to do.
Em found me after our meeting and explained that she had to tell Beth that she didn’t meet the qualifications to stay in one of the rooms at the shelter. Em apologized to me, saying there are rules she has to follow to keep the organization operational.
I assured Em that I understood. Although she didn’t ask a million questions about what was going on between Beth and me, I could tell that she really wanted to, not to gossip but maybe to offer some advice.
“You’re sure you want to head out with us?” Rocker asks. “I can’t have you distracted in the field.”
“I’ll be fine,” I assure him.
I knew I was going to have to let her go. I just honestly thought it would be me getting bored and needing a change of pace. Not once did I imagine that I’d be the one watching her walk away while resisting the urge to beg her to stay.
I told her more than once what we were doing was fun, that there would be no hard feelings when it was over, that either of us could call an out whenever the need arose, but I’m left sitting in the backseat of this SUV thinking that maybe never meeting her in the first place would’ve been so much better. At least then I wouldn’t feel like I’ve left a part of me in her hands, knowing I’ll never get it back again.
***
Despite my assurance before leaving Farmington, I realized that I wasn’t convincing enough to keep Rocker out of my face.
We landed in a small, private airstrip outside of the city because, as Kincaid and Shadow warned us, the people in Ecuador aren’t happy to see us. They equate our arrival with what they can only imagine will be another wave of executions of their citizens.
“I thought I’d be having this conversation, telling you that it’s always hard to leave the first couple of times. I know what you’re going through,” Rocker says. “Once upon a time, there were jobs I had to go on, not knowing if I was coming back to Simone being mine or if she was going to be gone, so I fucking get it.”
I stand a little taller. I hate that I can’t get my shit together long enough to convince my team leader that I’ve got everything under control.
“I’m going to ask you to sit this one out.”
“The fuck I will,” I tell him, standing a little taller. “Fuck, sorry. Listen, I need this.”
“You need a distraction, and like I said, I fucking get it. But I won’t compromise the others because you need to blow off some fucking steam. This isn’t the time or the place. It’s too fucking dangerous here.”
“I know how to do my job,” I argue.
“And I watched Boomer call your name three times on the fucking plane before you realized it and looked up at him. I need more focus than that,” Rocker snaps. “I’m not coming down on you just to be an asshole. I get that you got personal shit going on back home, but you know as much as I do that you’d never forgive yourself if you fuck up and someone gets hurt.”
“I need to work.”
“And you can work. You’re going to stay back at camp with Shadow and Dominic.”
“That leaves my team a man down.”
“Someone else will step in.”
“Sounds like you have it all figured out,” I mutter, feeling a little betrayed that they discussed what was going to happen before bringing me into the loop.
“You can be pissed all you want, man. It wasn’t long ago that I would’ve reacted the same way, but you can’t fight to get her back if you’re dead.”
He claps me on the shoulder before walking away, leaving no room to argue. I knew the second he approached me that my place on Team B today was done. I knew it on the plane when he sat the entire flight staring at me. Hell, he probably knew on the ride to the airstrip in Farmington. He should’ve spoken up then because I could’ve caught Beth before she got on a fucking bus headed to Texas.
I tracked the only bus she could’ve caught. What would take a regular person about fifteen hours to get her back home is going to take over twenty hours with all the stops that have to be made along the way.
