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He whined like a three-year-old getting ready to throw themselves on the floor in the toy section of Walmart. “Leif…”
“It could be worse.” That was going to be one of the important responses I kept at the ready at all times going forward.
And since he couldn’t argue with it, he sighed. “Fine.”
Acquiescing didn’t mean he was going to go fast, though.
So I waited and snuggled and stroked and kissed and he finally let out a deep breath. “I liked the presenting part. The word and the order, but I’m not going to define it or talk about the specifics.”
“Deal.” I’d take what I could get.
My immediate agreement had him let out a long sigh of relief.
“Good. Yes, good.” That seemed to help him reset his brain because the rest wasn’t nearly as hard for him to get out. “I liked the marking thing and the way you handled that part of the scene. I don’t have a stickiness issue so…so leaving me in that state would not have been a problem.”
Okay, a bit vague but we were moving in the right direction.
“But would it have been appreciated?” That might not have made sense. “I understand it not being a problem but would leaving you in that state have made you content or pleased in some way? Would your pup have liked it or would it have made that caveman part of your brain that everyone has happy?”
That had him going very still but it didn’t feel like something I needed to worry about yet. It had a he’s processing feel so I kept cuddling him and tried to radiate confidence and like there was no stress at all. I honestly didn’t have a problem one way or the other about how it made him feel.
People were weird.
There was no way around that, so I just accepted it and moved on, but Ender was more of the worry-about-it type. He seemed to have a love-hate relationship with anything that made him stand out and feel different. But I didn’t want him hiding from something that really affected us both…I wanted him happy so we couldn’t ignore it too much.
“Both, maybe?” The quiet answer had relief rushing through me but I tried to sound relaxed as I hummed.
“I can see that.” I wasn’t sure I was going to get any more from him, but I waited quietly to give him a moment.
And it paid off.
“I…In that headspace, I think I liked that caveman being owned thing.” His voice was slightly shaky, but being able to hide against me seemed to make it easier. “And…and my pup side liked it too. The order. The whole thing.”
Feeling more confident about the scene and how it’d gone at the end, I let him off the hook. “I’ll remember that, but if your feelings on it ever change, you need to tell me. Safeword or email me or text me or something.”
There had to be other options, but that was what came to mind first and somehow made him giggle.
“I can text you?” He was trying to sound like a surprised grown-up, but the giggles kept sneaking out.
“Yep.” I thought he’d like that idea once I thought about it. “As long as it’s clear what you’re talking about, I’ll count that as good communication.”
And it finally clicked.
“I wouldn’t have to talk? It’d count?” The surprise in his voice as his brain got past the silliness of the idea made me smile. “I’d…I’d have to be careful and make sure I didn’t send stuff to the wrong person but that would be easier…and it wouldn’t be cheating or taking the easy way out?”
He worried about the strangest things.
“This is not a competition. There’s no easy or hard way.” Honestly, his logic was better when he wasn’t thinking quite so much. “Some things you want might be harder for you to do in general, but that’s just how BDSM stuff goes. We don’t have to torture you just for the hell of it, though.”
That got a small laugh out of him.
“If being conversationally tortured turns you on I’ll do it the hard way, but other than that, we do what stresses you out the least.” Huffing as he giggled, I tried to sound frustrated. “Do you like being conversationally tortured? Have I been misreading this the whole time? Ugh, were you turned on when we were struggling with picking an apartment? I knew some of those arguments were questionable.”
The giggles had shifted to laugher and he even snorted as he tried to shake his head. “No. I…you were…”
“I knew it. I was turning you on.” Still playing it up, I tried to sound shocked and offended. “You were being a pain in the butt just because you were hard and loving the drama.”
Barely managing to breath, Ender shook his head as he pushed up off the floor and climbed in my lap, still keeping us under the blanket fort. “No, Master. I’m your good boy. I don’t want to talk. Honest.”
