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“Em…” I look up into Lee’s eyes, and there’s so much pain there. His emotions are so strong, I feel like I’m suffocating. But he has every right to feel them after what I put him through. He doesn’t say any more, and I know it’s because he can’t find the right words. Lee’s the sort of person that if he can’t find the right words, he won’t say anything at all.
I owe him to be the one to speak, to try and make this right. “I’m sorry, Lee. I know this isn’t much of an excuse, but I really didn’t intend on harming myself. It’s just that the darkness took hold, and I didn’t even realise it.”
I tell him everything, how it started with the tuna, right up to how I’m feeling in this moment, and we both cry with each other, overcome by so much emotion it almost feels too much for me.
“Em, you have to promise me you won’t ever do that again. If you feel the darkness coming, you have to ring me, or anyone. Is it okay if I ring Kate to get some advice? I think this is bigger than we can deal with, just the two of us. I know you hate asking for help, but this is you hitting rock bottom, Em, and if you don’t get help, there’s only one step further down, and that’s death. I feel like I’ve only just found you, and I sure as fuck am not ready to lose you yet,” Lee cries, opening up to me about his feelings.
I agree to him calling Kate, and she tells us we need to get an appointment with my GP to start medication for my depression, and she will make a referral to counselling.
I absolutely don’t want to do any of those things. I’m still the same old stubborn me, hoping I can fix myself. But, I don’t want to see that pain in Lee’s eyes ever again, and so I agree to do whatever it takes, for him. He keeps telling me not to do it for him, to do it for me, but I can’t. I hope soon to get my self-confidence back, but for now, I’m happy living for him.
I’ve been working through that particular memory, as well as so many other issues in my counselling sessions. I went to the counselling appointment by myself, though I would have preferred Lee to be there. He wanted to come, but Kate told him it would be better for me if I did this alone, so I don’t have him as a crutch to lean on. She was right.
The more I talked to the counsellor, the more I realised I’m the person holding me back. I’m scared to accept that I have MS, because then I’d have to let go of that ‘why me?’ feeling. I would no longer have that as an excuse, something to blame. I also would have to admit that the fear I have over Lee leaving has very little to do with my MS.
Don’t get me wrong, MS will always play a part in most of my decisions and will affect how I feel, but it’s not the only factor. When the counsellor dived into it, I realised I was scared about Lee leaving me long before he even committed to me, and before I was ever diagnosed.
The self-confidence—or lack of it—has been there for a long time. I know Lee has been working on building it up, and I couldn’t be more fucking grateful for that, but in a way, it’s just been papering over the cracks. I needed to look seriously at why I don’t feel I’m worthy of being loved.
Laying in bed that night, Lee is here again, as he has been the last couple of nights since he found me with the knife. I love falling asleep enveloped by his warmth and his scent, and well, everything that makes him Lee. I’m still terrified to fall asleep, but having him here helps a little. The problem is, now I’ve been faced with addressing every thing in my life, and I realise I’m using Lee as a crutch. I need to be able to get to sleep and to generally survive without him holding me up—no matter how fucking terrifying that is.
“Lee?” I ask, turning my head just enough that I can look up at him while still keeping my cheek on his chest. “I love you being here, but I think it’s time you went home. Just for a night or two. I need to know if I can survive on my own.”
Lee reaches over and turns the bedside light on a little. It’s one of those touch lamps where the more you touch, the brighter the light gets. He turns it on to the lowest level, but it’s enough to see the cautious look on his face. “Is that why you think I’m here? To make sure you don’t hurt yourself again?”
I close my eyes, not having the courage to look at him as he talks about that night. Even when I was talking to the counsellor, I can’t call it a suicide attempt, because I wasn’t actively trying to kill myself. Or at least I don’t think I was. That’s the problem, I don’t remember what the hell I was thinking. But I did self harm myself, and it could have been so much worse. That I can’t deny, but I also can’t say that weird black out moment where I’m overcome with the sensations of the moment won’t happen again. I hope I’m learning the tools to deal with it, but I can’t make any promises.
“Yes,” I admit.
Placing a hand over my cheek, he swipes his thumb under my eye, stroking at the skin until I look at him. His touch is so tender and soft, it causes tingles to spread across my face. “Em, I’m not still here because of that. Obviously I want to make sure you’re okay, but that’s not the reason. I’m here because I want to be. Because the idea of going home fills me with dread. I don’t sleep properly in my own house any more. It doesn’t feel like home. You feel like home,” he explains, as he presses his lips to my forehead and my heart starts to race.
“You feel like home too,” I admit, giving him the most genuine smile I have. “But, after talking with the counsellor, I realise I’m using you as a crutch. So I don’t have to stand on my own, and I need to know if I’m strong enough to do this by myself.”
Lee tilts my face to make sure I’m looking at him, and the fire in his crystal blue eyes has my heart skipping a beat. “Em, I will do whatever you need, but I already know the answer to that question. You are so fucking strong, even when you don’t know you’re being strong. We can have some space, but not too much. I’ve been apart from you, and I never want that to happen again.”
Using my hand on his chest to lift myself up slightly, so I can look at him fully, I give him my sternest glare. “This is not us breaking up, Lee. No fucking way. This is just me saying we need to go back to how it was before where you would only sleep over on weekends. We can talk on the phone, or meet for dates, if you’d like. But for me, night time is the hardest. I need to learn to sleep again, and I need to do that without you here to hold me. I want you here, but I have to be sure that I don’t need you. That I could survive on my own, if I really had to. Does that make sense?” I ask, hoping he understands where I’m coming from and doesn’t see it as any kind of insult because it’s not.
He strokes his thumb over my cheek, giving me that gorgeous smile of his. “We can do that. We can do whatever you need, but I want to make something very clear. I already know that you don’t need me. You are so fucking strong, Emmaleigh, and you will beat this. You will realise how strong you are, and when you do, you will be a force to be reckoned with. So you can bet your ass I’m never letting you go.”
CHAPTERTWENTY-SEVEN
LEE
EM
Are you sure you want to do this?
Iread the text on my phone and chuckle to myself. I don’t know which of us is more nervous. This is about the fifth text I’ve received from Emmaleigh in the last few hours. I thought I was nervous, but it’s nothing on her.
LEE
Of course I do. What time will you be getting here?
I look down at my watch, and see there’s only about half an hour before the party starts. It’s my parents fiftieth wedding anniversary, and to celebrate we’re hosting a family gathering in the garden at my parents house. The sun is shining, and I can’t keep the ridiculous grin off my face.
It’s been well over two months, almost three, since that awful day when I found Em with the knife. We agreed just a couple of days later that we had to go back to our original arrangement of me only staying with her on the weekends.
Her counsellor felt we rushed into our relationship, since we weren’t properly dating before Emmaleigh’s diagnosis. Then when she pushed me away, it made me realise how I really felt. I didn’t ask her to be my girlfriend because she was diagnosed with MS. I did it because I realised during our time apart that I really did like her, and that I wanted us to be together.
