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Even though I’ve only been up less than half an hour, and I haven’t even got out of bed yet, I can feel my body trying to draw me back into sleep. My whole being just feels exhausted. I don’t run marathons—or run at all—but I imagine this is what people feel like when they’ve run too far too quickly. It’s an exhaustion you can feel deep in your bones, and I can feel my eyes starting to droop. It’s like I don’t have any choice, I have to go back to sleep.
As I let sleep pull me under, I pray to whoever is listening that when I wake up, this will all be a distant memory. Something caused by not enough sleep, and that the pills I’ve just taken will help take away the pain. Mostly, I just want to wake up and have my vision back.
* * *
“Morning… or should I say, afternoon, sleepyhead,” Lee says, as he gently strokes the hair out of my eyes, sweeping it off my face to tuck it behind my ear.
The feel of his warm fingers as they sweep across my skin feels delicious, and I try to smile at him, but once again I’m hit by that impending feeling of doom. I try to push it away, and blink a couple of times to try and get my eyes to focus, but the more I blink, the more my eye starts to hurt.
That's when I’m flooded with the memory of how I felt when I woke up earlier, and I realise, not only is my eyesight still missing in my right eye, but other parts of my body feel weird too. Specifically, my right leg. I can feel it, but it feels so unusual, like it’s not really my leg. Like it’s an alien leg that doesn’t actually belong to me. I know that sounds crazy, but there’s no other way to describe it.
I think if I tried, I’d be able to move my leg, but it wouldn’t be the same. It feels heavy in places, but also numb in others. I can feel a numbness around my hip area, and that gets me thinking whether I’ve ever been able to feel my hip area before or not? It’s one of those things that have always just been there. I get pain in my hips when I’ve over extended my legs, or pushed myself too far, but that’s pain. This isn’t pain, it’s numbness.
As a result of the numb joint, and heavy feeling in my leg, my foot has this weird pins and needles sensation going on. How the hell can one leg have all three separate situations going on at the same time?
I say good morning to Lee, giving him a small smile, and I try to pretend that everything is normal. I don’t want to freak him out by telling him how I feel. Besides, he’s made it really clear that we’re just friends-with-benefits. If I tell him about this, he’ll feel like he has to look after me, and I don’t want that. I don’t want him to feel pressured into anything.
As I talk to Lee about yesterday, my brain is on autopilot as he tells me about how things have been at his work, my brain is somewhere else entirely. I’m running through every abnormal feeling I have in my body, and I’m trying to switch on as much of my medical brain as I can in an attempt to work out what the hell is wrong with me.
I’m not stupid. I know my ass should already be in the hospital where a real doctor can examine me and tell me exactly what the hell is going on. But, when they say nurses make the worst patients, that’s not an understatement.
I know how busy hospitals are, and there’s no way I'm wasting valuable time and resources if this is just a really severe headache. Personally, I feel as soon as the staff in the emergency room learn I’m a nurse they expect me to already know what’s wrong. Maybe that’s all in my head, but it’s one of the reasons I haven’t already dragged myself to the hospital, despite being sure something is really wrong.
I’ve ruled out major things like heart problems or a stroke. I have to admit, at the moment, I’m stuck on a brain tumour. But I know that’s fear talking. The problem is, without more tests, it’s impossible to tell what this is. The symptoms are wide and varied, meaning only more tests will give us more information to add to help make the diagnosis.
Lee touches my arm, pulling me back into the moment, as I notice his brows furrowed and he’s looking at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, of course. Why do you ask?” I try to sound as casual as possible, but I can hear a quiver in my voice that I hope he can’t pick up on. Though, given the way his beautiful blue eyes are assessing me, I can tell he is trying to work out what I’m hiding.
“I’ve been talking to you for the last ten minutes, and it’s like you’re zoning in and out. Normally when you wake up, you are up and talking. It’s me who usually takes ages to wake up. I’ve never known you to sleep in this late. Are you sure you’re okay?” I can hear the concern in his voice, as his finger lazily strokes my forehead, in the most soothing of ways.
Fuck, for just a few second, I really wanted to tell him everything. I don’t want to lie to him, or keep things from him. But that’s just what I’m like with these sorts of things. I’m the same with my family. There’s no fucking point worrying everyone if it turns out to be nothing, and that I just need some more sleep and pain killers. Deep down, I know it’s more than that, but I guess, ignorance really is bliss. When nobody else knows I can pretend it’s not real.
“I’m so sorry, Lee. I guess it’s just been too much for me lately, with all the stress and lack of sleep these last couple of weeks, as I prepared for the strike, and all the other things I had going on. I think maybe I just need a day to catch up on my sleep. I know you took the day off work to spend it with me, and I really do want to, it’s just—”
Before I can finish my sentence, Lee interrupts me by pressing his lips to mine. It’s only a short, sweet, chaste kiss, but it’s perfect. I’ve noticed this is something he’s started doing whenever he thinks I’m talking too much. He silences me with a kiss—and I’m okay with that. I hate when I get verbal diarrhoea like that, so kissing me to shut me up is the perfect way to get it under control.
“Hey, don’t you worry about me. You look really exhausted. How about I get us both some breakfast, then I will head home and you can get a bit more sleep. I know you have work tomorrow, and so do I, but how about I come over Friday after work and we can spend the weekend together. We still have to plan our London trip. I know we were supposed to be going next weekend, and I know it’s my fault we haven’t planned it. But, how about we get together this weekend, look at our days off, and get something booked?” The bright smile on his face, like he really is looking forward to going on holiday with me is infectious. I can’t help but smile back at him.
“I would love to. And don’t blame yourself about next weekend. You had your reasons for needing space, and I will always honour that. So, if you want to wait a while until you’re sure you want to go away with me, then we can do that.” I don’t know why I’m encouraging him to back away, but I want him to know that the ball is in his court. He’s the one with the decisions to make. I’ve made mine. I’m all in. I know my heart is on the line, and I will most likely get really hurt, but I can’t walk away. I know the way I feel about him is dangerous, and that waiting for Lee to realise he likes me and wants a relationship with me could be the wrong move, but it’s far too late now. My heart is already all in.
Maybe I need him to walk away because I’m not brave enough to? Maybe that’s why I’m encouraging him to walk away because I can’t? Either way, it’s all on Lee.
“As long as you know we’re just friends, and you’re okay with that, then I’m happy to just keep going as we are.” I don’t know what it is, but he has this almost hopeful look in his eyes, like he’s really hoping I don’t say no. And it’s the cutest fucking vulnerable look I’ve ever seen on his face, and so of course I say yes.
Lee gets up and heads into the kitchen to make breakfast, and while he’s not in the room, I know I have to try moving to see what the hell is going on with my leg. I’m really hoping it’s just dead from the position I’ve been sleeping in, but as I try to stand at the side of the bed, it quickly becomes apparent, this really is serious.
It’s so fucking alien, it’s like I know my leg is there, but I can’t get it to work the way I want it to. The movements I make seem almost exaggerated, and even then it’s like my leg doesn’t quite lift up fully and I feel like I’m dragging it along behind me. I can move, with a bit of a limp, but it’s hard— like really hard—and I feel really unsteady on my feet, like at any moment, I’m going to topple over.
I manage to drag myself into the bathroom to get cleaned up, and then into the living room so I can have breakfast with Lee. Luckily, he’s got his back to me buttering the toast as I enter the large open plan kitchen, living room, dining room, and so he doesn’t see my limp. I would never hear the end of it if he does.
I manage to have breakfast without him knowing anything is wrong, and I force myself to keep up with the conversation. No point dwelling on how I feel, it’s not going to get better on its own, and I’m not suddenly going to work out what the hell it is without getting more tests done at the hospital. I’ve already decided that’s my next stop, I just have to wait for Lee to leave first.
How I manage to behave as normal for the next hour while we have breakfast and Lee gets ready to leave is a fucking miracle. I try to move whenever he’s not looking, hoping if he does see me, I can pass off the very obvious limp I have as a dead leg from all the protesting yesterday. But, I see him watching me with those piercing blue eyes of his, and I think he can tell there’s something wrong, but thankfully, he doesn’t say anything.
He leans against the side of the front door, getting ready to leave, and he takes my hand in his, clasping our fingers together. My heart races and my stomach does a little flip that even a school girl with a cheesy crush would be impressed by. Even just the slightest of touches from him has me behaving like a lovesick teen.
With his other hand, he reaches forward and sweeps my hair out of my eyes, pushing it behind my ear. I try not to panic as his hand disappears from view completely when he gets closer to my right eye. It’s the scariest fucking feeling in the world to have a whole portion of sight just gone, yet it was there just a few hours ago.
