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The next day,Akim drives me to a local doctor to have me checked out. I’m nervous as hell, mostly because there’s no way for me to check the baby’s status without someone’s hands in and on me. If Akim weren’t here, I’d probably sprint out the door naked from the waist down while I wait for a stranger to tell me that I’ve ruined my pregnancy by jumping out of a window.
That part, of course, is something that will have to come with time. I know that Akim wants to know what happened at Luka’s house, but I just can’t talk about it right now. I hope he understands.
We make small talk while we wait for the doctor to come meet us, and when she finally emerges, I feel so much of my anxiety melt away.
Her entire aura is warm and encouraging in a way that I’ve never seen in a doctor before. Before she even sits down, she enthusiastically introduces herself to Akim and me, and she seems so excited to be here to offer us help. From what I’d experienced in the past, I was expecting her to be cold, flat, and clinical.
“So I understand there was some recent trauma,” she says, glancing at me with a non-judgmental, understanding expression.
I nod solemnly, biting my lip to keep the tears from showing up for the fourth time today. Even though I don’t think she’d mind if I did cry, I’m so tired of crying. This is the first thing that needs to go away forever now that Luka is dead.
“I want to let you know that we have an excellent trauma counseling staff here in the clinic, and they specialize in different kinds of trauma to suit your needs better. We’re very familiar with the process of grief that comes with these things, and we don’t want you to suffer alone, especially when you’re going through your first pregnancy,” she says, handing me a card with the phone numbers of a few counselors.
I can’t hold back anymore, and I burst into tears at her empathy and generosity. What was expected to be a long, terrifying pregnancy now has the potential to be beautiful and effortless.
She lets me cry as much as I need to, and Akim comforts me as I try and fail to collect myself at least three times.
After we’ve run a few tests, like a blood panel and an ultrasound, the stress and sorrow fade into a new emotion – excitement. I’ve only been able to experience fear and panic at the thought of a baby, and when I wasn’t overcome by those feelings, it was an inability to feel anything at all.
“You know, I probably would have agreed to have a baby with you the night we met,” Akim says, and I can’t tell if he’s joking.
“What do you mean?” I ask with a clueless smile.
“I felt like something was special about you the night I met you for the first time. I couldn’t place it. But if someone told me I had to, I would have been okay with putting a baby in you,” he says, laughing a bit.
“That’s a weird thing to say, but I guess I appreciate it?” I reply, laughing with him.
In actuality, it isn’t weird at all. It’s the same way I feel, and I’m overjoyed that we’re on the same page.
When the doctor comes back, I try as hard as I can to read her expression, trying to detect any worry or preparedness to deliver bad news.
“So, it looks like everything came back totally normal. It looks like you’re three months pregnant, and you’re right on schedule developmentally,” she says, and another wave of relief washes over me.
“Are we having a boy or a girl?” I ask anxiously.
“Are you sure you want to know right away?” she asks, smiling.
I look at Akim, and he nods emphatically.
“Yes, we would like to know,” I reply, feeling my chest swelling up at the excitement growing.
“You two will be having a baby boy in six months! Congrats,” she says, pulling a small ultrasound photo out of my patient file and handing it to me.
I show Akim, and even though the photo doesn’t look like more than a black and grey ocean, I see him fall in love immediately. I’ve never seen a father more excited to have a baby, not even when my sister was born. That’s how I know he’ll be an amazing father.
How did I get lucky enough to find him?
EPILOGUE
Delilah
The rest of my pregnancy was easier than I ever could have imagined. Since I needed to leave my apartment for good anyway, I moved in with Akim at his penthouse downtown. I had been spending a lot of time there the week after I was rescued, and I realized that when inside, I felt indestructible, like nobody would be able to break in and hurt me ever again.
It didn’t take long before I felt like I belonged there permanently, like it would be against the laws of nature for me to leave.
I started developing morning sickness around the time I moved in with Akim, and even though I was unhappy to have it at all, I was more than grateful to have not experienced it while I was in captivity.
I can’t imagine the kind of unique horror that I would experience if I’d been getting sick all the time under Luka’s watch. It makes me think of the woman he shot, the closest person I had to a friend in that horrible place. Was she sick? Was she able to find any peace during that time?
