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CHAPTER 1
MONK
The laughter from the old ladies sitting at one of the tables in the main room of the clubhouse almost brings a smile to my face. I do feel a sliver of joy in my heart, but I don’t smile. Not anymore. Whenever I almost smile, I get a flash of memory and it is always Sofia smiling at me.
My sister had the most beautiful smile. And I’ll never see it again.
How can I smile in a world where she doesn’t exist? The pain she went through, the darkness I lost her in, the way I failed her—it has left me shattered.
Smiling isn’t the only thing I can’t seem to force myself to indulge in since Sofia’s death.
I haven’t touched a woman in the last ten years. I just…can’t do it. I wasn’t there for Sofia when she was abducted. I sure as fuck wasn’t there when she was being brutalized by the traffickers who were eager to sell her and have her disappear.
If it weren’t for the Devil’s Saints MC, I doubt I would have been able to find her. Ever. Let alone as fast as we did.
It still wasn’t fast enough.
All the light was gone from her eyes as she looked up at me when she was rescued. It was like she was already gone. She gave up her soul so it wouldn’t be tormented along with her body. I didn’t need her to tell me what she endured; I could see it in the depths of her eyes.
Those eyes still haunt me. I can’t even think about touching a woman let alone indulge in sex.
I know it’s a mental thing, but it’s not like I’ve met a woman worth trying to push past it. I don’t need to be like my brothers and fuck a club angel just for the sake of it. It’s not a performance issue, at all, I’m very acquainted with my hand. I’m not without desire, just the need to find pleasure with a woman.
Maybe I’m just punishing myself because we were too late when we found Sofia. Far too fucking late.
I failed her.
She couldn’t stand the memories, the trauma, the constant reliving of it all. She just couldn’t fight the demons they unleashed from within her. I miss her with everything in me, but I also understand why she chose to end her life.
Ten years of missing her is nothing compared to her nightmares.
Movement to my right pulls my attention toward one of the club angels, Tiff, as she approaches the bar while giving me a wide berth. I almost snort because when she first came to the club, she tried to climb me like a fucking tree. I shut her down hard and without remorse.
It’s something I’ve had to do with all the angels, and I’ve gotten harsher over the years. I know it’s not their fault that I am the way I am, but, fuck, you’d think they’d warn each other about me. Or maybe there is no honor amongst them.
One skill I’ve honed over the years is observing my surroundings, not only to ensure everyone’s safety, but because I’m fascinated by human nature. The way we push and pull at each other. The way we can bring such joy…and such devastation. Even to those we say we love. Even to those we say we desire.
I’ve watched the angels over the years, and they’ve done some catty shit. Our chapter in New Orleans has learned it the hard way. With more of my brothers finding their old ladies, we’ve learned it here as well.
The angels think they have some claim on a brother if he’s fucked them. It’s all in their heads and the likelihood of an angel ever being draped in a property cut is slim. Though, it’s my understanding it happened in New Orleans. That situation is unique as fuck and not the norm.
But it just goes to show you—nothing is outside of the realm of possibility.
As long as none of the angels here try to get on my dick or fuck up a brother’s future, I’m good.
The laughter from the table of old ladies has me glancing their way. Out of the corner of my eye I notice Tiff curling her lip before she grabs her drink and saunters back to where a few of the single brothers are playing a game of pool.
Shit is changing around here. I’m glad about it. My brothers have needed anchors and they’re starting to find them with their women.
It does remind me just how adrift I am. Lost. Still writhing in the agony of the past.
Robyn, the newest old lady to join us here at the DSMC since Friar claimed her and brought her here from where she was hiding out in Tennessee, gets up from the table with a big smile on her face. She hasn’t been here long, barely even a week, but she’s thriving already.
When I met her for the first time, I recognized the pain in her eyes. It mirrors my own.
Her need for vengeance made her into the woman she is today and led her down the path which brought her here. Her friend was abducted, but never found. She didn’t have the DSMC at her back the way I did when my sister was taken.
Robyn honed her skills and became a hacker who targeted traffickers, and those who hid them and helped them. That’s how she popped up on Friar’s radar. She thought the DSMC was aligned with scum like that. Little did she know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
