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Alfie's hand was soft on my cheek, his lips even softer on my forehead. He lifted my chin, and when I opened my eyes, the raw pain in his eyes cut all the way down to my bones. I wanted nothing more than to fall into his arms and let him fix this, but I couldn't.
"I'm not," he said.
"Not what?" I whispered, hating how much I was shaking.
"Sorry."
His lips brushed against mine. It was gentle, but it wasn't tentative. Alfie kissed me like it was his first kiss. Like it was his last. Hands tangled in my hair, lips burning against mine. A kiss that would last forever. My body melted against him, and he trembled beneath my fingertips.
He kissed me like his heart was breaking.
I knew, because mine was breaking, too.
"I'm not sorry. I could never be sorry for this," he said softly. "Not for one second."
He brushed the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs, and I let myself drown in his eyes for a moment. The pain was enough to tear my heart in two.
"I'm not going to say it's okay,” he said, “because it's not. You're right. There's every chance that we might get caught. Today, tomorrow...we could get hurt. We could get killed. I'm not stupid enough to think this is going to be easy, but I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us. No matter how many times you push me away, I'm going to keep coming back to you."
"I don't want you to." The words tumbled out before I could stop them. Firmly, I pushed him back. "I don't want this. I don't want any of this. I never did."
Alfie reeled like he'd been slapped. "But...I thought...."
"What I need is for you to leave me alone." The words burned in my mouth like the lies they were, but I forced myself to continue. "There is only one way this is going to end up, and both of us know that. You need to find someone else."
"There is nobody else! Not for me." The raw panic in his voice was tinged with anger. "I love you, Emilia--"
"Alfie, you don't know what love is."
"I know how I feel when I'm with you. I know that you're the only one who can make me smile when I'm at my worst, and the only one I want to be at my best for. And Iknowthat I'd ratherhave one more day with you than a lifetime without. That's what love is. Love is you."
He was close enough to feel the heat of his body. The air between us was magnetic, an electric current running through us that neither one of us could resist forever. I closed my eyes.
"Love is a fool's game, Alfie. It's a fairy tale that people tell each other because they don't want to admit that the real world is a cold, dark, harsh place. The reality is that people get hurt, and people die."
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "And I've lost too many people I care about already."
His expression softened. "Emilia..."
I reached up and brushed my thumb along the curve of his lower lip, along his jawline and up his cheekbone. Alfie leaned into my touch, but I saw in his eyes he understood what was coming. "I want you, Alfie, but I can't keep you. Don't make me watch you die."
Alfie's eyes fluttered shut, and he turned his face to kiss my palm. His stubble was rough against my skin, his lips warm and soft as they moved across my wrist. A tremor ran through me, and I knew I had to end this before it went too far. Before I couldn't walk away.
I stepped back and wiped my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. Alfie stood motionless, eyes still closed. Lost and alone, like a wounded animal. He didn't move until I spoke.
"Goodbye, Alfie," I said, barely more than a whisper.
He took a shaky breath and nodded once, slowly, without looking back at me. Then he was gone.
The door clicked shut behind him, and the sound of the latch was like a gunshot in the silence. I crumpled to the floor and buried my face in my hands, unable to stop the sobs from tearing me apart.
The tears ran out after a while, but the pain still rolled through me, an aching hole in my chest where my heart had been. I pulled myself to my feet, hollowed out and numb, and stared at the wall, my back pressed against the door. My gaze drifted to the shelf, and I noticed the book he'd left me.
I picked it up, tracing my fingers across the cover. Pride and Prejudice. I opened it to the inside cover. There was an inscription on the inside.
A promise that I will always return to you.
This isn't over.
