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“Are you still having those dreams about hurting your captors?”
I nod.
“Have they become more frequent since the murders began?”
No, they became more frequent when I found out about the traffickers coming back. Maybe even coming for me.
I nod.
“I thought so. It’s not uncommon for similar events to trigger you and cause the nightmares to increase.”
“They’re not nightmares,” I clarify. “They’re more like fantasies.”
His eyes narrow thoughtfully. “Yes, I can see that. Nevertheless, I think it’s imperative you’re aware of the impact the murders have had on you. I also think it would be good if we increased our sessions to twice a week.”
“Okay.” I shrug. “I can do that as long as it’s on Fridays. Other than today, my schedule is busy with school.”
“That’s right. How is that going?”
“As okay as it can be.”
When I decided to go to college, something those monsters took from me, everyone supported me. Though my parents worried about how I would do on my own, especially with having my own place now, they allowed me space.
I couldn’t live with them anymore. They hovered too much. Watched me every moment as though I’d disappear.
I get it. If I were them, I’d probably do the same.
When I first began to live with my parents, I entered a dark place. I barely ate. Barely showered. I could hardly get out of bed. I’d stay awake all night remembering everything.
And I cried. I cried so much my tears would drench the pillow.
My mother knew. She cried too when she thought I wasn’t listening. But I heard. I was breaking her heart all over again.
I wanted to die. Imagined how I’d kill myself. It’d have been easy. Take a bunch of my mother’s pills and drown in them.
The pain would have gone away then. I’d have been…empty. Numb.
There’d have been no more tears.
No more memories of what was.
I’d have been gone. And good riddance.
I couldn’t tell anyone about my thoughts. They’d have institutionalized me. Called me crazy and thrown me in some solitary room for God knew how long.
I’d never allow that.
But one day, when I was with Elsie and Jade, I let it slip, thinking I was talking inside my head. And that was all it took for me to start therapy. To start caring for myself the way I should’ve. Because those monsters? They want me to suffer. They want to take all the good and strip me bare until I have nothing but my demons.
So I ripped those demons from my soul, and I watched their flesh burn until all that was left of me was who I am today.
But their remnants still linger, still corrupt and enrage me.
Once I got a little better, I moved out. My parents weren’t thrilled with the idea. Who could blame them? They moved to New York from our home state so that I could be near Elsie and Jade. If they hadn’t, I’d probably have had to leave here.
I was staying with Jade and Enzo for a bit after I was rescued, then Elsie and Michael. But I didn’t want to continue to impose on any of them, and I didn’t have money for a place of my own. Once my parents got here and found a place, I moved in with them.
But I wanted freedom. I needed to prove to myself that I could do this alone.
