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I snorted, then after a moment of thought, said, “I don’t know what I’m thinking with Istil, Makoa. This whole situation has me all fucked up.”
“How’s that?”
“How am I supposed to know whether what I feel is a physical need, or if I really want him, or if I’ve just managed to convince myself it’s what I want because he’s carrying my baby? It goes from one to the other and back again.”
“That’s a tough one, Ari,” Makoa said.
“It is. Especially when I can never get a clear read on him. One moment it feels like this relationship thing might actually go somewhere, and then the next it feels like we’re only near each other because of this baby.”
“I’m sure Istil is in the same boat you are, trying to figure things out. And who can blame him? He’s pregnant, and he hasn’t even told anyone from his clan, aside from Visir. He’s got way more to deal with than you.”
“I know that.”
“Nothing much you can do about that, except decide exactly how you feel about him. It sounds to me like you’re afraid to commit to one thing. Why is that?”
I smirked at Makoa. “Look at you. Maybe you should be sitting in this chair.”
He shrugged. “Hey, I’m trying, brotha.”
“I suppose I am afraid. I’ve never been in this position before. Turns out a tolerance to physical pain doesn’t equate to a resistance to being hurt.”
Makoa dug around in his pocket and pulled out a gold coin. “You know what I do when I need to get to the heart of what I want? I flip a coin. Say, heads, you and Istil will end up together. Tails, you take care of your part with the kid, but otherwise go separate ways.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I’m not leaving that up to a coin toss.”
“When that coin is up in the air, you’re gonna wish for it to go one way or another. That’s your answer.”
I leaned back in my chair. “You truly leave such important decisions to that system? What if you still can’t figure it out when it’s in the air?”
“Then I think you’ve got deeper issues to work out,” he said. “It’s never failed for me.”
Makoa flicked the coin with his thumb, sending it spinning through the air across the room at me. I shot my hand up and snagged it with my fist.
“Give it a shot. Maybe you’ll learn something.” He went to the door. “You know what would help? Hitting the waves. You wanna join?”
“No. I appreciate the offer, but I still have work to take care of.”
“Alright, brotha. If you change your mind, I’ll be out there.”
“Yeah. Thanks for the talk, Makoa.”
He gave me a thumbs up and left.
I stared at my closed fist and felt the cool metal pressed into the skin of my palm. I didn’t even need to flip the coin myself. The moment I’d caught Makoa’s toss, my head filled up with one single answer.
Heads, I thought.I want it to be heads.
I tossed the coin into a drawer without looking at it. Knowing what I wanted didn’t help with the fear of the unknown. If anything, it made it worse. There was so much more at risk by letting myself tread down that path. I just didn’t know if I could let go.
And then there were the dreams I’d been having—nightmares, really. I didn’t believe that dreams carried any more meaning than what we ascribed to them, but it was difficult not to pay attention when I saw him leaving every single night. It was Istil standing in front of the mahinui, holding a precious bundle in his arms, and the disappointed look he gave me before stepping through and disappearing forever. I didn’t know what it was I’d done, just that I’d failed them. That I was destined to fail them.
* * *
“I want to learn how to swim,” Istil said the moment I walked in through the front door.
He was sitting impatiently in the branches of a small tree that seemed about to bust a hole through the thatched ceiling, and he climbed down with incredible dexterity. I hurried forward to catch him, worried he might be put off balance because of his belly, but he dropped lightly to the floor.
“So suddenly?” I said.
