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He took an audible breath. “Good. That was my,” he gave me a wry smile, “hope. That you would. I wasn’t sure what else to do. I was going to try magazines next. And then morning shows.” He visibly swallowed. “Surely you know that you’re safe now. That the mob isn’t looking for you. You could go back to your hair color, even, if you wanted to.”
I knew that, yes, but how did he know? “It was you? You made them leave us alone.”
His nod was fast as he poured two glasses of wine. He set one in front of me and one in front of himself. The waiter appeared, and Max shook his head. “There’s a set menu for Hope. She doesn’t need that. Just bring out what Anna gives you.”
“Yes, Chef.” The poor, scared waiter scurried off. I almost felt bad for him, but I had no room for anyone’s emotions but my own at the moment.
Anna was there? They came with him when he moved to Portland. That must be wonderful for him. “All you’re going to do is nod? You don’t want to say more on that subject?”
“I…I didn’t listen to you. I tried to find you. Right away. I yelled at my sister for being an asshat, and then I realized what I’d done. That you were gone. That I’d fucked the whole thing up.” He cleared his throat. “I don’t know that I really understood things yet. How…how much I had destroyed, but I thought I could find you, stop you. You were gone already. Then you weren’t in New York.” He took a long sip of his wine, and I did the same thing. He watched me drink mine. “I’m glad you can do that now. Have alcohol in public. I worried about you drinking alone, among other things.”
I stared at the red liquid and then noticed the bottle. “That’s Zeke’s brand.”
“Yes. We serve it here. He won’t talk to me, but I buy his stuff. Michael won’t talk to me either. Wouldn’t tell me where you were and then blocked me. Then you sold your apartment. I think by then, I understood.”
I leaned forward. “Understood what?”
Max touched my wrist. One long swipe of his hand across my butterfly. I caught my breath, my body buzzing from the brief connection. He really was like a drug to me—one I desperately wanted to take.
“That I love you. Deeply. Profoundly. It’s different for me than it is for other people, but you were right—I can love. At least, I can love you.”
I could hardly form words. “Different?”
“I couldn’t find you, not anywhere. You stopped posting online. You vanished. No internet searches. You were just gone. So, I…I became consumed with getting you safe. If I couldn’t be with you, I could at least make sure you were safe wherever youwere. So yes, among other things, I found the man who owes me favors, even though he is all but findable, and I cashed in.”
I took his hand. “Thank you, Max.”
There was such warmth in his eyes when he looked at me. “You don’t ever need to thank me. Not ever, my Hope.”
“No, I need to apologize to you.”
He winced. “For what? I think you have that backward.”
“For placing you in that position, with the mob coming and no time, demanding answers. It was my way or no way at that moment. Your back was against the wall. It wasn’t at all the emotionally appropriate way to do that.”
He scooted his chair closer just as the waiter arrived, setting down two bowls of soup. Max couldn’t possibly expect me to eat that?
“Hope, I wasn’t wrong—I don’t love like other people. I…I am more obsessive than I have any right to be, but that is how I need you, how I love you. It’s not just a void to be without you, but a total absence of sunlight and anything good.”
Was I crying? “Max…”
“You paid off my restaurant. I know it was you. How did you do that? Even you aren’t walking around with that kind of cash.”
I wiped at my face with a laugh. “I’m not nearly as rich as I once was, trust me on that.” Although both Bridget and Zeke were investing my money, so it was better than it was. “I sold my mother’s painting. Remember the sad one?September?”
“Fuck.” He reared back and closed his eyes. “You didn’t have to do that, love, you really didn’t. You didn’t owe me anything. You didn’t fuck up my life. I could have done any number of things I didn’t do. I could have hired a PR firm. I could have approached you and asked you to say something publicly. I could have even responded myself. I did nothing but sink. That’s on me, not you. Please stop thinking you screwed up my life when youaremy whole life, and I cannot do without you.”
Now it was my turn to scoot closer. “Max, I didn’t do it only because I screwed up your life.”
“Then why did you do it?” We were just a breath away from each other.
“Because I love you, and you needed it, and it felt like goodbye. Like I could give you something that you could have for the rest of your life. And sure, yes, there was some element of me wanting to fix what I’d broken. Yes, that was there. That’s always going to be a part of me. I’m not ashamed of it.”
He squeezed my hands in his. “I want to be worthy of you, Hope.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” Worthy of me? I wasn’t anything particularly special.
He shook his head. “I need you to let me make up this year I took from us. Can you do that? Can you let me make you so happy every day that you’ll eventually forgive me for taking this year from us? Please, baby.”
