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After rubbing my forefinger and thumb against my forehead, I reopened my desk drawer and picked out the matte-black gift box that I had bought before I picked up Sierra earlier from her dorm. I set the contract inside, nerves gnawing at my insides, and closed it before I had the chance to stop myself.
“Steven!” Sierra called from the bedroom, her voice groggy, as if she had just woken up.
And I hoped to God—a God that I didn’t even believe in—that she hadn’t heard my conversation with Thornton a few moments ago.
“Come cuddle.”
“I’ll be there in a second, Sierra,” I said, walking to the door and glancing down the hallway at the door open ajar, just how I had left it. I walked with the black box to the living room and set the box underneath the sparkling Christmas tree.
Honestly, I didn’t know if I believed that I was worthy of anything. I didn’t know if I would even have the courage to give this to her tomorrow. But I hoped that I did. Because I wanted to be happy. I wanted it so badly.
“Steven,” she murmured from the bedroom again.
I walked down the hallway and slipped into the room with her, my heart swelling at the sight of her in my bed, her hair a mess of frizz and curls against the pillows and the moonlight flooding in through the floor-to-ceiling windows, making her pale skin glimmer.
“Come to bed,” she mumbled, eyes half open.
Once I pulled my shirt over my head, I crawled up into bed with her, curled my arm around her waist, and cuddled her from behind. She moved against me to get comfortable and snuggled into the pillow. I sank my nose into her hair and closed my eyes.
Maybe Thornton was right. Sierra was my peace.
And I might even love her.
40
steven
“Merry Christmas!” Sierra beamed at me, her head on the center of my chest and her fingers strumming across my naked abdomen. She was wide awake, which meant that she must’ve been up for at least a while now.
“Morning,” I mumbled, my stomach twisting. “Merry Christmas.”
“I’m so excited for today,” she said, lifting her head off me and resting it on her pillow.
While I had been excited last night, this morning … I didn’t feel good. I had twisted and turned in bed all night until very early this morning and could barely swallow the bile heavy in my throat. All I could think about last night was … how she’d react to my present.
Thornton had said that I deserved to be happy, but did I really? And if I did, what would it even feel like? Would I always fear that it’d be ripped right out from underneath my fingers for the rest of my life? Would I always fear that this was all an act, that Sierra would never truly care for me?
“Do you wanna make hot cocoa with me and open gifts?”
“Sure,” I whispered, wiping the sleep from my eyes.
“Wait!” Sierra exclaimed, jumping up naked and rummaging through her bag. “Before we go out to open gifts …” She tugged out a wrapped box and handed it to me. “Technically, I was supposed to give you this last night, but I fell asleep after your present to me.”
Sitting on the edge of the bed with a thin sheet over my lap, I arched my brow and ripped off the blue wrapping paper to see two pairs of matching red-and-black holiday-themed pajama pants and black shirts.
She hopped onto the bed next to me and grinned. “It was a tradition in my family to dress in the same pajamas on Christmas Eve.” She glanced away and blushed, kicking her legs back and forth. “We don’t have to do it, but …”
“Love,” I murmured, tucking some hair behind her ear, “I’d love to match with you.”
She gazed at me through wide eyes filled with excitement. “Really?”
I slipped out of bed and pulled on the fluffy pants, wishing that I had a tradition to share with her, too, but I had never celebrated the holidays like she had. More nerves bubbled up in my belly. Hopefully, we could do this again next year too.
But maybe she’d be onto bigger and better things, new opportunities, other men.
I winced at the thought. Fuck, that hurt.
Once we made hot cocoa and began opening the small gifts we had gotten each other, I leaned against the couch near the gift I’d boxed yesterday. All week long, I had been looking forward to today, but now that we sat in front of the tree, unwrapping gifts, my stomach gurgled, my muscles were tight, and I was thinking the worst.
