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The immediate deflation I felt wasn’t because I didn’t want to do those things.I adored being with Sarah.I’d just let myself think for a minute that it was because he wanted me here.
I managed a forced smile and a nod.“Sure.Yes.Of course.”I had to get out of this room before I embarrassed myself.“I’ll go, uh, get ready for bed.”I stammered out my words, then spun around quickly to flee with as much grace as possible.
“Oakley!”His stern tone stopped me.
I took a deep breath, composed myself, then turned back to face him.“Yes?”
He set his drink down beside him and straightened his stance.“What’s wrong?Do you want to leave?”
I almost laughed.That had to be a joke.“No.”I shook my head.“I would love to spend the month of December with you and Sarah.I’m normally alone most of the holidays.Especially the years it’s your turn to have Sarah for Christmas.”
His dark eyes studied me.“Then, why are you leaving to go get ready for bed?You’ve been showering with me the past two nights.”
I wanted to scream,Because I don’t know what we are or what you want.I refrained and managed to stay calm.“Your reasons for me staying were all for Sarah.I assumed that meant you, or we, or whatever we were doing was done.”
He raised one lone eyebrow.“Did you want me to say I’d like you to stay because I want to keep fucking you for hours every night or that I’m not ready to stop waking up with you, sweet and willing, in my arms?Because I can promise you, both of those are reasons.”
I licked my lips as I stood there, slightly dazed by his words.He wasn’t done with me yet.This wasn’t ending.“So, you won’t get tired of me if I’m here for the month?”That was a logical fear.
He shook his head slowly as he started walking toward me.“No, Oakley.I doubt any man could ever get tired of you.Although it would be best if I could.”He stopped and brushed my hair back from my face.His eyes roaming over me, as if attempting to absorb every detail.“I try not to want you.I try not to think about you.I try real hard not to be so fucking happy when you walk in a room.But it’s proving to be as impossible now as it was then.”
“Really?”I breathed, scared to believe him.
“Yes.”
“I’m afraid of losing you,” I blurted out.“It’s just.I … I can’t seem to keep sex and my feelings separate.Not with you.”
I watched as his nostrils flared and the veins in his neck stood out.
“I don’t want to make a mistake with Sarah.You understand that we can’t hurt her?”
“I would never hurt her,” I told him.“You know that.”
“I saidwe, Oakley, not you.”He ran the tip of his finger down my cheek.“I want you.But I’m not sure if I trust myself to love you.”
I wanted to tell him that if he was going to love me, then he wouldn’t be able to control it.He’d just love me.It would be a force that took over and roared to life.The fact that he thought he could keep from loving me meant he never really would.
That was a sorrow I would carry my entire life.One that trumped all other losses I’d faced.
But for now, I had him.He was mine.
“I understand,” I replied, then reached up to cup his face as I brought his mouth down to mine.
He didn’t want my love, and saying the words would drive him away.So, I told him the only way I could—with my body.Every ounce of love I had for him, I poured it out in that kiss.I would make my memories with him, and when we were done, I would suffer in silence.I had to—for Sarah.
Thirty-Seven
Wilder
My mom had never called to check in on me so much in my life.I had almost ignored her call this morning, but I had given in, for fear she might actually need me.
“I want my granddaughter for the day.We are decorating the tree.What time can you bring her?Shall I come and get her?”
Sighing, I leaned back in my office chair and reached for my coffee.Mom and Porter had been home for a week, and I knew her house was safe.Sarah could use an outing, and I was sure Oakley wouldn’t mind some alone time.
“I’ll bring her in an hour.She and Oakley are painting some clay ornaments they made yesterday.”
“Have you told Oakley you love her yet?”Mom asked.
