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Every time I heard their laughter filtering down the hallway, my fucking chest got warm and tingly.Shit it had to stop doing.My dick could love Oakley.My heart, however, needed to back the fuck down.That wasn’t a ride I could afford.
“Hey, Dad,” Sarah said, walking into the living room.
“You done with your work for the day?”I asked her as she came over to sit beside me on the sofa.
“Yep!Oaky helped me understand my math.She taught me a song to help me memorize my steps,” she explained.
“Excellent.You want to watch something?”I handed her the remote.“Or do you and Oakley have some painting project or baking planned next?”
She sighed and leaned back, pulling her feet under her.“Oaky is taking a shower and washing her hair.It’ll be a while.”
I waved the remote at her.
She grinned and took it from me.
“Dad, can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” I replied.
It had been a while since we’d had a good talk.We used to do it a lot.I missed our conversations.
“Did you love Oaky once?”
I froze.That wasn’t what I had expected.
“I know y’all dated.Oaky doesn’t talk about it, but … Mom did.She said things to Oaky, and so did Grandmother.They would say stuff that made Oaky sad, and sometimes … it made me mad at you.They said you used her.That she wasn’t good enough for you.They were mean to her.”
Dammit.How long had she been holding on to this?
I tried not to let her words get to me, but, fuck, I wanted to know what the hell Cleo and Sylvia had said to Oakley.
“Yes, I did love Oakley once,” I admitted.
Sarah looked solemn as she processed that.“Then, why did Mom and Grandmother say that Oaky was pathetic for loving you?And that you used her to get to Mom?That Mom was the one you loved?”
The pain in my chest was only surpassed by the anger boiling inside me.How the hell was I going to sit here and look at my kid while pure rage for her dead mother was building in me?If Sarah had heard those things said to Oakley, what else had they said to her over the years?Had she been beaten down over what had happened with us for the past nine years?
Sarah reached over and put her hand on mine.“Dad, it’s okay.I’m eight years old.I can handle the truth.”
I wanted to laugh and cry.The truth wasn’t something I could tell her.The fact that I had never loved her mom.That I had gotten drunk and cheated on Oakley was also not something I ever wanted her to know.
“Your mom and Oakley were never close.You brought them together.They both loved you.”
“Oaky loves me.But …” She paused.“I loved Mom, and she … I don’t know if she loved me.”
I rubbed my hand over my chest to ease the agony shredding me from her words.
“Oh, sweetheart, your mom did love you.She loved you so much.She just had some problems that weren’t her fault.She needed medication, and when she didn’t take it, she acted different.That wasn’t her.It wasn’t who she wanted to be.But she loved you.”
Sarah gave me a sad smile.“I guess.But she didn’t love me like Oaky does.Or like you do.”
I reached over and pulled her into my arms.What I wished I could do to change her past.If I could have helped Sylvia be a better mom.Gotten through to her about how important it was to go to counseling and take her meds.That Sarah was only little once and needed her.
“Dad,” Sarah said against my arm.
I wasn’t able to let her go yet.“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“Oaky loves you too.”
