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Nick jogs over to talk to her. Susan turns off the snowmaker. She gets in the truck and drives off with the machine still on its trailer, leaving a pristine blanket of untouched snow covering my yard. Nick comes back over to me and we watch the glistening snow reflect the twinkling lights along my eaves for a long moment. The crisp night air has my nose and ears tingling with the chill.
“Ready for bed?” Nick squeezes his arm around my shoulders.
“Yes.”
I take his hand and lead him inside and up to my room. We kiss, and for the first time in ages, I think that might not be all I want, but it’s late and we’re both exhausted. I let the impulse to rub my body against his pass.
Nick follows my lead until our kissing turns into snuggles. I fall asleep next to him as the first rays of dawn lighten the room with the promise of a bright new day. Hopefully, the first of many Christmas mornings that I’ll wake up to this man in my life and my arms.
Chapter 15
Nick—December 25th
Abuzzingphonewakesme from a sound sleep to light streaming across Carl’s bed. I look at the clock and groan. Almost noon.
“Sorry, you can go back to sleep if you’re still tired,” Carl says, tapping a message into his phone before setting it on his lap.
“It’s fine, Merry Christmas, babe.” I kiss his cheek and he flushes, turning to kiss me properly.
“It is now. The merriest Christmas.” Carl favors me with his full wattage grin. His phone buzzes again between us.
“Need to get that?” I ask through a yawn.
“Nah. I was just catching up on the family text thread. Eliza has been teasing Gail that it’s her last year to sleep in, now that she’s got a baby on the way. So she sent pictures of my niece—bright-eyed and begging for presents—around the time we went to bed. And Saint says we should get up and come over for brunch; he’s given us enough time to sleep in.”
My stomach grumbles, reminding me that the last thing I ate might have been gourmet, but it’s been almost a full day since lunch with my boss and our client.
“I could definitely eat,” I agree. “And Mom will be antsy for the play-by-play on whether you took me back.”
“Did she help you make that sweater?”
“Yes? Sort of. She told me to let you know I made it all by myself with only a little help.”
“It’s good for a first attempt.” Carl laughs.
I snort. “You don’t have to sugarcoat it. I know my talents lie elsewhere.”
“It’s the thought that counts, Nick. Honestly. I love the sweater and that you thought of me and gave me the perfect apology to top off the perfect holiday season. I guess there are a few things we should probably discuss now that we’re both awake?”
“Like what?” I ask. I have my guesses, but I want to hear his most pressing concerns before I spill my guts to him. The recent revelations he’s helped me accept about myself are still fresh enough to be hard to put into words. Let alone to bring up out of the blue. It’s easier to let him initiate this conversation, but I’m glad we’re talking about it.
“Like how I’m not going to suddenly want to have sex all the time just because we’re boyfriends. Sometimes I like it. I enjoy touching you and kissing, but sex is messy and awkward and not my favorite way to spend our quality time together.”
“Good.” I smile at the surprise on his face, eyes wide and lips parted, but really, that sounds perfect to me too.
If Carl hadn’t mentioned being ace, I’d never have looked into it. He’s shown me it’s possible to have a connection this deep without compromising on my low libido.
I’m not sure that I would have ever admitted to myself that the label fits me if it weren’t for him. Literally stumbling into someone who opened my eyes to something so fundamental about myself makes the two of us finding each other seem miraculous.
“Well, that’s a first.” Carl rubs the back of his neck, not quite meeting my gaze. “I can’t tell you how many times that has been a deal breaker.”
I shrug and nudge our legs together under the covers. “Well, it’s a perk as far as I’m concerned. I’ve been thinking about it since you told me that you’re ace. I did some reading. Turns out, I’m thinking I’m some sort of gray ace too. I’ve always been less interested in sex than most of my boyfriends. Before you, I didn’t realize that it was even possible to find someone who feels the same way. It’s validating knowing there’s a word for this, and I’m not just weird for thinking there are better ways to connect. It’s freeing not to have to weigh the pressure of meeting my partner’s desire to have sex against being lonely. I’ve held back my heart for years, knowing my lack of interest would always become an issue, so this seems really special.”
“It is special.” Carl gives my leg a squeeze through the blankets. Our eyes lock and I could lose myself in the warmth of his gaze. It’s like he really sees me past all my defenses. “I’m honored to be a part of helping you figure that out about yourself. We don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”
“Thanks,” I choke out past the tightness in my throat. His words hit the center of my chest like a punch. I have to squeeze my eyes shut against the emotions welling up inside me. I’ve never given myself that permission before, and it brings stinging tears of relief to my eyes for that insidious pressure to be gone between us.
“Hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” Carl soothes me. His hand is warm on my back as he rubs a comforting circle while I try to gather myself.
