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I just needed to figure out how to explain that, but figuring out how to talk to Owen about it was hard. I wanted the closeness and the laughter back. I wanted to see him smile and feel him touch my hair again. And I needed to know if he wanted it too.
I was home before I was ready to be, but I had a feeling that no matter how many times I drove around the block, more time wouldn’t help. Owen’s car in the driveway didn’t help my nerves either. He had a pretty regular schedule, so it shouldn’t have surprised me, but knowing he was home made everything feel more urgent.
We couldn’t keep avoiding each other, even if it wasn’t as bad as it had been before. I wasn’t sure what kind of a relationship I wanted from him, but I knew if we didn’t stop the cycle, eventually I wouldn’t have any.
I parked the car in the driveway, walked up the sidewalk, and let myself into the side of the house. The house was always quiet lately, but it felt even more oppressive than usual. All I wanted to do was to go up to my room and hide, but I knew I couldn’t.
“Owen?” I called out softly as I entered the house, but it quickly became obvious he wasn’t in the kitchen. It was so quiet I knew he couldn't even be downstairs.
When I passed the table in the low afternoon light, I almost missed the note and a little bag from the pet store. It shouldn’t have made my heart race like it was flowers on Valentine’s Day, but it did.
I forced myself to open the note first, trying to get my hopes under control. It didn’t help.
You had fun playing tug-of-war the other night, so I had to grab it.
What had he grabbed? Setting down the sweet, unsigned note, I looked in the bag to find a rope toy. My stomach whirled as I looked at it, and I couldn’t decide how I felt. Maybe it would be easier if I knew what he was trying to tell me. Was it just that he was okay with what we’d done and he didn’t want it to be weird anymore? Did he want to try it again? Had he pictured playing with me?
It wasn’t a toy I could use on my own. He had to have realized that when he’d bought it. He’d gone to a store designed for pets just to get it for me. That had to mean something, right?
Taking the toy and note in my hand, I started heading through the house.
By the time I reached his room, my resolve was starting to fail, but I refused to go back to the weird no man’s land where we ignored each other and the elephant in the room. Taking a deep breath, I raised my hand to knock, only to have him open the door and leave me standing there looking like an idiot.
“Um, hi.” Every thought went out of my head.
His lip quirked into a semblance of his usual smug smile, but there was something different enough about it that I didn’t immediately think he was mocking me — not that I could place what it was to save my life.
“Hey,” he greeted me, letting the door swing all the way open.
I never went into his room, and he rarely left the door open. I’d assumed it’d be a mess in there, and it sort of was. But it was more “lived in” than “pigsty.” I wanted to get more of an idea of what he liked from it, but it felt rude to stand there and gape.
“I, um, wanted to talk to you about something.” I’d had everything planned out in my head. It had made sense, and I’d sounded functional. But now it was gone. He let me stand there stupidly for a moment before he broke the silence. “About what?”
I looked down at the toy. Starting there might be the easiest until my brain caught up. “Thank you for the toy. It’s going to be fun to play with.” I took a breath and tried to gather my courage. “Can we play with it this weekend?”
Now it was in his hands. What would he say?
“I didn’t get it for you to put it on a shelf and stare at it,” Owen replied lazily, but there was a flicker of uncertainty in the way he bit his bottom lip that made it clear he was nervous too. “I guess you could use it as a dreamcatcher,” he added, deadpan.
Maybe he wasn’t as nervous as I was, but there was definitely something there. It made me feel a little better knowing I wasn’t alone in that.
“Good, okay.” Yup, still sounding like a moron. “I was wondering if you’d like, well, if you wanted to go out and get something to eat. There’s a little bit of wiggle room in the budget, so I thought it might be fun.”
The words came out forced and in one long breath that didn’t make me sound any smarter, but I felt a little proud that I’d managed to get them out at all. But now it was back to him, and I had no idea what he’d say. Was it weird that I’d even asked him? It probably should have come out more casually, but it was never like that with us. We’d gone from formal to puppy play without much in between. Hopefully we could change that though.
It caught him off guard, and his eyelids flickered. He met my eyes, and I almost felt like I could see into him then, like he wasn’t so distant as always.
“Um.” He ran a hand through his hair, and my eyes went to the tattoos on his arm.
I wanted to touch them, but I held back, knowing I was probably already pushing my luck enough as it was. “We don’t have to,” I added hastily, before the moment could get too awkward.
“Nah, it’d be nice to eat something we don’t have to clean up after,” he said, flashing a grin at me. “When and where?”
I hadn’t actually thought he’d agree to go anywhere with me, so I had no idea what to say. I had a feeling fast food was out, and expensive places were definitely off the list. “Um…”
Not too nice, but not too casual. I wanted to let him know that this was important to me and not just something I was throwing out there. “How about we look for something over by the mall?”
There was everything from fancy to simple on that side of town, and it was a fairly common place to go on a date. I just hoped we could find something in our price range.
