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The idea of being at home when Derek arrived, as if I’d been patiently waiting for him, made me sick to my stomach.
He didn’t say bye this morning, he didn’t text me all day, he was cryptic with Hawk, and I’m supposed to be curled up on my couch with a book pretending I’m not pissed off when he arrives?No thank you.
Technically I did go home. I changed my clothes, grabbed my purse and keys, and left again pretty fast. I didn’t really know where I was going. I didn’t have a destination in mind when I locked the apartment door behind me. So the first thing I did was stop at my favorite local watering hole. I said hello to a few people I know, had a beer, then left.
It didn’t take me long to realize I was clearly walking in the direction of the shop, and more specifically, Hawk’s loft above it. I can’t exactly tell if I want to be alone or with friends but my legs seem to have the answer I don’t.
I knock, wondering if I should’ve called ahead. But then Drew answers, smiling at me with surprise.
And then I burst into tears.
She grabs me into a hug, pulling me into the apartment and pushing the door shut behind me.
“Everything is so messed up,” I manage to say between sobs.
“What happened?” she asks.
“Nothing yet, but I know it will,” I say.
“Let’s sit down,” she says as she pulls back from me.
I grab a stool as she walks into the kitchen, retrieving wine glasses and a bottle from the chiller.
“What’s up?” Hawk’s voice carries over us from the direction of the hallway and I turn to see him emerging, hair still wet from what I assume was a shower.
“I’m sorry,” I say. They’re all the words I can manage but Hawk looks at me with confusion.
“For what?” he asks.
“For being in love with your brother. For not telling you I was in love with your brother. For everything. For the mess,” I say.
“Don’t do that,” he says, taking a seat next to me. “Honestly, I understand why you didn’t tell me. When we were kids, I probably would’ve blabbed to him. I might have even poked fun at you. I get it.”
“You do?” I ask.
“Of course,” he says. “And as for loving him, don’t be sorry about that either. You can’t help it. You can’t control it. I know I couldn’t.” His eyes shift from me to Drew across the counter. He smiles and winks at her.
“And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry Derek is…fuck, I don’t know what he’s doing. But mark my words, I will punch him for you if you want,” Hawk says.
I laugh, knowing he’s not lying. Hawk loves his brother. But he loves me too. And he’d definitely do it if he thought it was warranted.
“Why don’t you stay here tonight,” he says. “We can all get something to eat, relax, try to take your mind off everything for a couple of hours.”
“That sounds good,” I say. “Thank you.”
Drew calls in some food for pick-up and Hawk leaves ten minutes later to grab it. I kick off my shoes and Drew and I take the bottle of wine to the couch, where we tuck our feet beneath us and patiently wait for the grub.
“You know you two can’t take turns avoiding each other forever. Someone is going to have to be the bigger person,” Drew says.
I immediately think of Derek naked. I don’t know why.Don’t judge me, I’m emotional.But there he is in my mind, naked and wet after a shower. Perhaps the word ‘big’triggered me.
“I know,” I say, shaking the less than relevant thoughts from my head. “I just don’t know how to do that yet.”
“I would say waiting for him at your apartment would’ve been step one,” she teases.
“Yeah, yeah,” I say, taking another sip of wine.
My phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out, fully prepared to throw it on the table and forget all about it. But then I see Derek’s name lit up on the screen with the little picture I saved to his profile. I took it when we were eating one day. It’s nothing special, just a grinning Derek in all his perfection.
