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Stepping forward, I wrap my arms around Dash and give him a brief but sincere hug. I’m sorry for his loss. For the pain his family is feeling right now. “Come home soon,” I whisper.
I know that in the grand scheme of things, some guys paying and watching me to get off is so insignificant considering that Jamie lost his life, but I’m still devastated because Dash betrayed my trust more than anything.
And I want to forgive him. I do.
I just don’t know how.
DASH
Come home soon.
The phrase spins endlessly in my mind, the imprint of her strong yet fleeting embrace still etched into my bones. I yearn for the familiarity of my brothers, for the solace of home, and above all, for the chance to seek her forgiveness. However, I don’t even know where to begin. It’s like the path to redemption eludes me like a shadowy labyrinth, and I stand at the doorway of my own making, uncertain of the first step I need to take.
Closing the door amplifies the weight of remorse, settling on my shoulders like a heavy shroud. Running a hand through my hair, the recent events replay in my mind’s eye, a relentless loop of my choices unravelling everything I hold dear. The living room, stripped of Candy’s presence, seems desolate, the silence echoing louder than before. My mother has moved to the kitchen, choosing to keep busy to keep her grief at bay. Family photographs on the wall gaze back at me, their frozen smiles from happier times, symbols of the fractures I’ve created.
I slump down onto the couch, staring at the empty space before me. My mind is consumed with thoughts of Candy. It feels like a lifetime ago that we were together, wrapped up in each other’s arms, and I dared to dream of the future. Now, I’mleft with nothing but the memories of what was, and the weight of my mistakes.
As I sit there, wallowing in my own self-pity, the sound of my mother’s voice breaks the silence.
“Are you going to keep sitting there feeling sorry for yourself, or are you going to do something about it?”
“Mum.”
“Mum, nothing,” she replies, closing down what I was about to say. “Enough with the guilt trip, Dash. Your step-brother chose his path. I know you tried to shelter the rest of us from the worst of it, but I’m not stupid. I know he made bad choices. But they were his and his alone. Nothing I learned today has shocked me – even discovering you are in love with his girl. You can’t keep carrying his burdens and you can’t take on the guilt of his death. It’s not yours to shoulder, nor was her involvement by the sounds of things.”
Her words sting, but she’s right. I sigh. I can’t keep living in the past, replaying my mistakes over and over. I need to take action, make things right, and find a way back to the life I once knew. With another deep sigh, I get up from the couch and head to my room, a plan already forming of what I need to do. This time I’ll learn from my mistakes. I won’t try to do it alone. I know that I need my brothers’ help.
I just hope that it’s not too late to repair things with them and Candy.
The memory of her fleeting embrace gives me hope.
NEW YEAR’S EVE
‘IT’LL BE OKAY’ – SHAWN MENDES
‘STAY ALIVE’ – JOSE GONZALES
‘LOVE IS A VERB’ – JOHN MAYER
‘YOU AND I’ – JERUB
CANDY
I’m apprehensive about tonight. It’ll be my first time going back to the club since I ran from Dash and got abducted, and I’m not sure how to feel about that. It’ll be strange to be back there without him, and I just know that I’ll be looking into the faces of every member I serve wondering if they were one of the people who paid to watch me.
I seriously considered quitting. But despite North’s Christmas offer of a place to stay and work for as long as I need, I can’t help but feel his generosity would expire if I was no longer working for them. And I actually like my job. Not just for the money and the perks of having sex with my bosses.
The guys have been amazing about not pressuring me to come back to the club, but I overheard Wint on the phone earlier, stressing about being short staffed tonight, so I wanted to step up and do my bit. It’s the least I can do after everything they’ve done for me.
Yesterday I met with Odile, the girl who rescued me, and she explained exactly why Jamie had to die. I felt sick to my stomach discovering what he was involved in – that he hadn’t racked up two hundred grands’ worth of debt ondrugs –but at least some of the guilt surrounding his death and the lies I told his stepmother have eased. She doesn’t need to know. No-one needs to know how despicable he really was. I’m just glad that the worst he did to me was steal from me and get me kidnapped. Odile explained that things could have been much, much worse.
She also hinted thatmy guys –her words, not mine – had enlisted the help of her guys to tackle the root of the problem and to take down the main kingpin of the sex trafficking ring Jamie was tangled up in.
Like I said, I’m fucking lucky.
All in all, it’s a lot. It’sbeena lot to deal with. One hell of a December, and a Christmas I’ll never forget – for good reasons and bad. I’m ready to draw a line under this year and leave the baggage behind as I step into the next.
But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to step into the club.
