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Jess is dressed in a tight black dress. I feel unease creep in my throat as I realize that one time, before she got pregnant, I made a comment about how I loved when she wore her little black dresses. Is it a coincidence that she’s wearing one tonight? I fucking hope so.
She needs to know those days have passed and I have no interest in what she’s wearing.
“Nol, I just asked how you were doing, no need to start being hostile.” She shifts in her seat, clearly, I’ve made her uncomfortable, but my job isn’t to make her cozy. It’s to co-parent, and part of me feels like none of this has to do with Aria.
Our waitress comes over and takes our drink order. I simply ask for a water, and she asks for a diet coke. Silence and awkwardness spread between us like a wildfire, causing me to get very impatient. But I let a few moments pass before our waitress is back with our drinks and she asks for our food order.
If I wanted to, which I do, I’d say that I’m not ordering anything. Because I don’t want to stay. But I look over at Jessica who looks to be pleading at me for a little courtesy and though her eyes don’t have that kind of power over me anymore, I can’t help but realize I’m being a total ass.
I glance at the menu quickly and decide on the black pepper bacon burger. Jess orders a chicken spinach pasta and a kids meal cheese pizza to be packed up to go with the check.
I look up from my menu at her and I’m sure she can decipher the questionable look on my face.
“Aria,” she says, and I smirk, just a little. Aria loves her cold pizza. And of course, her mother would know that, because she’s her mother. And despite me hating the idea of being here with Jessica, disliking the constant attempt to get my attention she plays at, she’s my kid’s mom at the end of the day. I need to be more respectful toward her of that.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” I take a sip of my water, forcing myself to relax in the chair.
She just gives me a light glance that hints at my impatience again.
“Jess, we ordered food. And I’m not going to get up and leave to let you pay for my bill. So might as well just tell what you have to tell me.”
“Okay.” She clears her throat. “I’m thinking about moving.”
I sit back in my chair, analyzing her posture mixed with tone to decipher what the meaning this is. But I can't come up with anything.
“Moving, like across the street?”
“No, Nolan. I want to move states. For school.” She lifts her diet coke up to her lips and they quiver as she takes a sip. I also don’t miss the way her eyes start to tear up a bit.
“Wait? For school? What school?” I shoot off my questions, not giving her much of a chance to respond before coming up with something else to add on.
“Don’t you think it’s a little too late for that, Jessica? I mean, you have a kid. Are you planning on just leaving her behind?” I lean forward and rest my elbows on the table, trying to be present in the conversation that I’m a little shaken by to be honest.
“Yes, keep reminding me of what a bad mother I am. Thank you for really telling me how you feel,” Jessica speaks in a cracked, weakened tone obviously hurt by what I just said to her.
I blow out a breath and shift in my chair swallowing down my pride, because I know that I do that to her. But how can she tell me that she’s going to leave the state knowing that her daughter lives here? Does that not bother her?
“Listen, Jess. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. But Aria lives here. She needs you here. Despite the fact that we can’t get along, you’re the mother of my child, and it’s important to her that you’re in her life so it’s important to me.”
“I know it’s not ideal. But I think you of all people know that I actually haven’t been the best mom, and I’ve expressed to you that I wanted more out of this life. And I just really feel dejected after the divorce. I never knew how not present I was in our lives, and it affected you and Aria. And I’m sorry for that. But I’ve since realized that I need to get my shit together. I wish we could work things out. I really do. But I know we can never go back to that, because of me.” She lifts her drink to her lips and closes her eyes as she sucks in a large gulp.
I can see the hesitation on her face, like having this conversation is hard for her to have and she’s struggling with admitting that she needs to do better.
I’m patient in waiting for her to pick up where she left off, trying to process myself how to handle her admission.
The waiter comes by and drops off our entrees creating an unintentional awkwardness across the table.
“Thank you,” I say as I nod her direction and turn back to face Jess who looks lost in what she wants to say next.
“I just think that I need to do this for myself to be better for Aria. I’m struggling with my job right now, and I keep feeling like I have to choose between being a mother and being financially stable, and it’s not fair to her or me, honestly. I admit, I did take advantage of you when we were married, and I fully regret that now. If I could go back, I would. It wasn’t worth destroying what we had. And you did everything you could to make it work for us. And I’ll always love you for that, but I really need to do this, Nolan. It’s not final, but I’m looking at options. I want to be better for our little girl.” She twirls her fork in her pasta, looking down from me.
I feel conflicted. On the one hand, I think it’s selfish of her to want to put herself first when it means leaving behind her daughter, assuming that’s what she’s intending to do. On the other hand, I appreciate that she can see how screwed up she’s been since we had Aria, how detached she’d gotten and that she recognizes that she needs to be better.
“It’s a lot to process, I know. But I was kind of hoping that there’d be a chance that we can make this work? I know you’ve moved on, but I wouldn’t feel right making this decision knowing that I didn’t try to fix this between us. I love you, Nolan, and I know what I need to do going forward.”
A slight feeling of unease creeps up my throat, making it hard for me to swallow.
I can see the sincerity on her face, I can hear it in her voice. But I don’t feel that way for her anymore.
